Yeah maybe it has been a while. Like the last post, not a whole lot of motivation. Nothing really new to even talk about. Haven't really been happy for long cause of being single... haven't really been healthy... haven't even really been outside of the house aside from being hospitalized except maybe a rare occasion or 3. I even missed my birthday some of thanksgiving from diet restrictions and christmas because I was away in the hospital. And yet I still don't think life is all that bad.
I refuse to give into depression. Despite all thats gone wrong in my life in the last year and a half, I can still survive to live another day. I don't think I'm living day to day like I used to... but I don't really have much of any goals for myself or anything to keep me motivated other than my own stubbornness to give into being anyone but my happy-go-lucky self and attitude. Not sure if its a good thing or not... to be the typical male who can't show his true feelings or emotions to the real world... and not completely sure if thats even my case. I'm still emotional and I still get frustrated and talk to others I trust with those issues that do come up. I'm not an introvert by any means of the word... But as I said... I'm really just too stubborn and pig-headed to really thing of any other way to live my life.
I really hate being single though... that is and has been my number one gripe since Britt vanished into thin air. I'm actually mostly on here because of her surprisingly. I was wanting to check another blog, Another Metriod 2 Remake, and saw the last few entries by Britt... and made me wonder when was the last email I got from her... and read that... and then got sorta love sick. I still have feelings for her if she even exists... as much as I hate to think that way or even admit I have feelings for someone that more than likely duped me into some false reality. For this long after the fact and knowing there were more than one occasion where the stories just kept coming and got more and more ridicules from hindsight. Well... even before hindsight I knew things were sketchy at best. But now I can allow myself to beat me up over not doing anything sooner.
Sadly I think its for the best still that I'm not dating anyone. Health has been crappy. In and out of the hospital on regular intervals... At least this was the case. I'm convinced I won't be back for an unscheduled visit to the hospital for a good long while. And the previous stuff was just the normal thing... infections and needing to remove some foreign object out of my body and replacing it with a new one... be it a stent change or removing and replacing a IV line of one form or another. Even though these things should be simple to avoid and/or fix... they get me often... and being sick so often does one of two things. Either they scare off the potential dates I could have... or they make it so being a companion and being available for the other a bit difficult... and honestly I would feel bad to put someone through that. I felt bad enough with Amber doing that, and that wasn't terribly often then. Health hasn't been all bad news, thankfully. I have started a new kind of chemo these last few months. And what do ya know! They actually gave some results! I mean, what a concept! I do what the doctors say, and it actually does what its meant to do! Its only been minor changes and shrinkage, but results are results and I'll take any good news I can possibly take. For right this moment, I'm not on any chemo because the dr wants me to be healthy and good before continuing another round of treatments.
When I am healthy enough to be outside a hospital... I get bored too easily. I quit FFXI a long while back... I tried FFXIV, even joined a fan group of it and became a mod for the site... but as soon as the game came out... maybe a week after I installed it, I quit. The game did not hold my interest because of how boring it was. It came with too many patches and bugs and it made it so everyone could be lazy and play through single player without much of any problem. Most of which choose this option, leaving out the best part of FFXI... interaction with others... on a MMO. Shouldn't that always be the case? Its MMO for a reason. But yeah, only got to maybe level 5 in 2-3 single quests... cause you level friggin fast. Which I also didn't like. There was no strategy. No difficulty that I saw. Maybe its better in later parts of the game... but I didn't see it and lost interest quickly. So instead I've spent most of my time watching anime of various sorts. Some good... some really... really bad. But I had a small interest in some of em and spent enough time to get into the show... I had to finish. Actually I joined a group online that meets up to watch anime and just hang out. I haven't gone to any of these meetings... BUT I AM GOING TO!!!! >< I'm very determined to this next one on the 16th. It'll be awesome to just get out and meet new people myself. No one else has to introduce me, no one else has to show me where to meet people with similar interests, where I can be myself without ridicule... I am going and going to be "normal" for once in my life. Reminds me of a joke on this video. Hilarious stuff. Team Four Star's DBZ abridged. They take... maybe 4-6 episodes of DBZ and condense it into 10 minutes with their own dubbing. Its pure genius. But yeah. Talking about Gohan, Krillin asks Goku what Chi Chi expects of him... "being a productive member of society". Goku replies, "Thats it. Lame!". So yeah. I'm gonna be lame... I need to be lame... I crave it. Been too long just being bored around the house doing a lot of nothing but internet surfing and gaming on ps3 and wii. Yeah... finally broke down and got one, but for a good price.
Even though I've been lame, I've still made some friends at home through online stuffs. On that FFXIV site I was talking about before, I made a few good friends with people. The best of the bunch would be Aquacoma, or David. Was kinda bizarre, we started talking about music and we instantly became fast friends over it. He knew all the odd music I loved and I knew the odd music he loved... and the little bits that we didn't know from each other... we wondered why we hadn't heard any of that before because its pretty amazing stuff. But yeah... was pretty interesting and if I was gay, I'd have the biggest crush on the guy... XD awful but true. Hes one of my best friends now and pretty sure it works both ways. Though he does have a cute girlfriend that keeps him more busy lately, but I still fit into the busy schedule sometimes.
My brother, Chris, is actually getting married shortly. The wedding, according to the "save the date" magnet I have is actually just an hour away from where David is living, in New Mexico, so I've got plans to go to the wedding and hang out with my friend there for a week or so and just enjoy life and be "lame" again being social and all that jazz. So thats exciting for me to get out again and do something different.
But yeah... thats my life in a nut shell as for this moment in time. Maybe I'll get better at posting in here, cause earlier I was way bummed out cause of the Brittany thing... Talking it out, or I guess writing in this case, I feel has helped a bit. So yeah... next minor crisis that happens in my small world, or lets hope for a major break through in the good end of my life, I'll come back to talk about it. One can only hope that after all this bad, I can find some more good to talk about than the negative... one can only hope...
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Monday, January 11, 2010
been too long...
So. No feiht. No motivation. Too much grief and time on my hands.
I want to be mad at someone. I want to be mad at the people that have loved me with a knife in my back. I want to be mad at those who can't even look me in the eye to be honest for a moment. I want to be mad at those who I try my hardest for... only to have them never notice me and have myself lost in the process.
"It feels cold..."
I am a small insignificant person behind a plate of glass looking at those that are trying hard to be happy. I can't be happy. I just want to hold. I want to be held. I want whats behind the glass... but there is the glass. Its always there. Instead of my focus on the smile behind the glass. I see the tears and the sad face in the refection.
There is something horribly wrong with me. That I can't be happy... that I can't find someone who can love me as my equal. My love is always fleeting. My love is a false one. My love is unlasting... and I hate it. I hate myself. I hate everyone for making me who I am.
I am constantly reminded of my failures... the goals that I was told I should be making that are so instilled in my brain that I can't be sure if the goal is mine or is someone elses. That my goals for being happy is the "white picket fence"dream... and how I can never reach that. No job. No school. no one to love... and its the worst feeling in the entire world.
no love
no gentle eyes that speak volumes of how much I'm needed. No beating hearts to radiate its warmth as I pull them close to me. No soft lips to whisper endearing words or speak what can't be spoken, but shown as they reach my own lips.
I don't have any of that. I'm not sure if I am capable... if there is anyone who might be able to fill that role... that spot in my heart. I worry that I ask for too much... that maybe thats why I am so unlovable... because no human has that capacity for love. These voids are actually black holes that cannot be filled.
So... the only thing I'm able to do is write. No one cares to read it. No one knows who I am, so I do it for myself. And its strange how it does help numb the pain. I know the holes are still there. The scars are left and the pain slowly fades until they are reopened by some unknown event... and so I continue. I strive to live just to see the next day until I figure out what I want. What I need.
But I still want the impossible. I want love that cannot be returned. I'm not even sure why it can't be. I'm not sure what I've done to fuck up so bad. But I want it more than anything... I try to move on... but I'm reminded so much of how things were.
God I miss those days.
All I wish for are more days similar to those... in one way or another. Days where I had something to look forward to. Those were good days.
I want to be mad at someone. I want to be mad at the people that have loved me with a knife in my back. I want to be mad at those who can't even look me in the eye to be honest for a moment. I want to be mad at those who I try my hardest for... only to have them never notice me and have myself lost in the process.
"It feels cold..."
I am a small insignificant person behind a plate of glass looking at those that are trying hard to be happy. I can't be happy. I just want to hold. I want to be held. I want whats behind the glass... but there is the glass. Its always there. Instead of my focus on the smile behind the glass. I see the tears and the sad face in the refection.
There is something horribly wrong with me. That I can't be happy... that I can't find someone who can love me as my equal. My love is always fleeting. My love is a false one. My love is unlasting... and I hate it. I hate myself. I hate everyone for making me who I am.
I am constantly reminded of my failures... the goals that I was told I should be making that are so instilled in my brain that I can't be sure if the goal is mine or is someone elses. That my goals for being happy is the "white picket fence"dream... and how I can never reach that. No job. No school. no one to love... and its the worst feeling in the entire world.
no love
no gentle eyes that speak volumes of how much I'm needed. No beating hearts to radiate its warmth as I pull them close to me. No soft lips to whisper endearing words or speak what can't be spoken, but shown as they reach my own lips.
I don't have any of that. I'm not sure if I am capable... if there is anyone who might be able to fill that role... that spot in my heart. I worry that I ask for too much... that maybe thats why I am so unlovable... because no human has that capacity for love. These voids are actually black holes that cannot be filled.
So... the only thing I'm able to do is write. No one cares to read it. No one knows who I am, so I do it for myself. And its strange how it does help numb the pain. I know the holes are still there. The scars are left and the pain slowly fades until they are reopened by some unknown event... and so I continue. I strive to live just to see the next day until I figure out what I want. What I need.
But I still want the impossible. I want love that cannot be returned. I'm not even sure why it can't be. I'm not sure what I've done to fuck up so bad. But I want it more than anything... I try to move on... but I'm reminded so much of how things were.
God I miss those days.
All I wish for are more days similar to those... in one way or another. Days where I had something to look forward to. Those were good days.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
I despise the human race...
I'm so livid... my blood is boiling. And I'm mostly just pissed at myself. I feel useless... feel like I am dealing with too much of problems that aren't even mine. I'm at the point of choking back tears right now... because of the way we treat others. The way we treat ourselves. I feel there is no hope for us some days and I dont know what to make of it. I feel like changing myself is not enough.
I have been in this situation for too long of being a nice guy. I have no idea what the right answer might be... I have no idea how to carry myself...
all I know is that I'm pissed off to no end... that hell hath no furry... because I know the way people treat their loved ones. I am crying right now too... I'm too fucking nice. I'm getting pissed off... and I really wish I knew what I could do.
But yeah. I just heard that my ex gf is getting beat again by her dad... maybe not severe, but its still physical beatings on top of his metal ones. I feel like she is only opening up to me... and I feel its my duty to call someone who can fix it. Who can take that awful man away. and I'm just bawling... idk if its cause I have some residual feelings for the poor girl... if its the fact that these bastards are doing this to their wives/children... if it reminds me of how much I despise my own father for putting his family through a mental hell.
But I decided... I didn't care what my actions might bring... I didn't want to be that person that could have done something but sat on their hands...
I feel its the hardest thing I have done in my entire life... but I called the child protective service for that area. Just got off the phone... I just dont want to have this stress be placed on my shoulders. I dont want to have anymore to do with it... I'm done. I'm finished. I dont want any more to do with her or her family and I intend to do just that. I really just hope I did the right thing....
But after all thats said and done... I want to never see that happen to my wife... my children. my family. I will not be that person, I only hope I can make it happen. I know how easy it could be to do something I'd regret... I just... I dont know anything. I feel very small. But I also feel a weight lifted off my chest.
Might just be the few shots of vodka I took tho... I'm not sure.
I have been in this situation for too long of being a nice guy. I have no idea what the right answer might be... I have no idea how to carry myself...
all I know is that I'm pissed off to no end... that hell hath no furry... because I know the way people treat their loved ones. I am crying right now too... I'm too fucking nice. I'm getting pissed off... and I really wish I knew what I could do.
But yeah. I just heard that my ex gf is getting beat again by her dad... maybe not severe, but its still physical beatings on top of his metal ones. I feel like she is only opening up to me... and I feel its my duty to call someone who can fix it. Who can take that awful man away. and I'm just bawling... idk if its cause I have some residual feelings for the poor girl... if its the fact that these bastards are doing this to their wives/children... if it reminds me of how much I despise my own father for putting his family through a mental hell.
But I decided... I didn't care what my actions might bring... I didn't want to be that person that could have done something but sat on their hands...
I feel its the hardest thing I have done in my entire life... but I called the child protective service for that area. Just got off the phone... I just dont want to have this stress be placed on my shoulders. I dont want to have anymore to do with it... I'm done. I'm finished. I dont want any more to do with her or her family and I intend to do just that. I really just hope I did the right thing....
But after all thats said and done... I want to never see that happen to my wife... my children. my family. I will not be that person, I only hope I can make it happen. I know how easy it could be to do something I'd regret... I just... I dont know anything. I feel very small. But I also feel a weight lifted off my chest.
Might just be the few shots of vodka I took tho... I'm not sure.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
District 9
Wow... that movie was actually... amazing.
Not a spoiler, so no worries about any of that... besides... I hate it when people do it for me. Not gonna be doing the same to others.
For the first time in... who knows how long... I enjoyed a movie. I enjoyed that it was an original idea/story for a movie even more. It really was simply amazing. I didn't catch the first 5 minutes of it unfortunately, but my friend that I went with saw it before, and just told me... the aliens arrived, were taken from their spaceship and put into a shanty town. So yeah... stuff everyone knows anyways. I'm not picky with movies usually... but with the things that have been coming out... just... want to hurt myself... but what a great fresh breath of air this was. Started off documentary like sort of film but progressed to less of someone watching/filming to what actually happened to the storys "hero" in the way you'd see more of the GOOD action/sci-fi genere films out there. I honestly cannot find a single thing to say bad about it. But yeah. Go see it if you can. I liked it so much, I'd go see it again.
Anywho... today was my first day of being off work. I got to lay down, relax some and just enjoy life. I got nothing done, spent some money, got complimented twice on my T-shirt that I'm wearing for the first time ever (pink shirt with maroon lettering: Meat is Murder (and underneath) Tastey, tastey murder) and I got to eat at Arby's. God I love that place... got my jamocha fix and I'm a happy little camper. ^_^ So yeah, hope I can get more good days like the same of today.
I know I need em.
Not a spoiler, so no worries about any of that... besides... I hate it when people do it for me. Not gonna be doing the same to others.
For the first time in... who knows how long... I enjoyed a movie. I enjoyed that it was an original idea/story for a movie even more. It really was simply amazing. I didn't catch the first 5 minutes of it unfortunately, but my friend that I went with saw it before, and just told me... the aliens arrived, were taken from their spaceship and put into a shanty town. So yeah... stuff everyone knows anyways. I'm not picky with movies usually... but with the things that have been coming out... just... want to hurt myself... but what a great fresh breath of air this was. Started off documentary like sort of film but progressed to less of someone watching/filming to what actually happened to the storys "hero" in the way you'd see more of the GOOD action/sci-fi genere films out there. I honestly cannot find a single thing to say bad about it. But yeah. Go see it if you can. I liked it so much, I'd go see it again.
Anywho... today was my first day of being off work. I got to lay down, relax some and just enjoy life. I got nothing done, spent some money, got complimented twice on my T-shirt that I'm wearing for the first time ever (pink shirt with maroon lettering: Meat is Murder (and underneath) Tastey, tastey murder) and I got to eat at Arby's. God I love that place... got my jamocha fix and I'm a happy little camper. ^_^ So yeah, hope I can get more good days like the same of today.
I know I need em.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Prepare for a wall of text.
So yeah, I haven't kept up with anything of this sort in forever... mostly cause I'm not terribly happy with my so called life. Mostly cause I'm lazy. Mostly cause I'd rather be putting down something worth while instead of just how I feel is my pointless day to day life. Some things have happened... some not so great, some even worse... but all in all, I think its safe to say that my life is in a constant downfall and near impossible to get momentum enough to get working on climbing back up what will be a uphill struggle.
Some fun things to mention... I was speeding in my car to help Steve get a stolen item back... was fun... and interesting... was certainly a crazy rush.
Getting my gaming habit outta my system. Started this web site called Goozex. Peer 2 Peer game trading system thats inexpensive and works for me, all very afordable. ummm free passes to 6 flags the other day... was lots of fun. Batman Batman ride was the best. It was actually called the batwing, but I dubbed it Batman Batman ride for no good reason. Has to have at least 2 Batmans for it to be official... but more Batmans are just as good. Had a full length conversation of just "Batman Batman" over and ever again with the peoples I went with. Made me laugh. Actualy that day made me laugh alot. Good times.
Though, Biggest things to happen to me lately... well are pretty bad in my eyes.
My best friend from high school killed herself early june. Struggles with her long time boyfriend, as I understand it, finally became too much for the both of them, and they broke up. I'm not sure what else was happening in her life, sadly, but apparently it wasn't the only thing that misfortune gave to her. However, it was the straw that broke the proverbial camels back. Aurellia took her own life by ODing on sleeping pills to be found alone and no longer in pain the next morning.
The "funeral" was nice however. Aurellia's mom held a decent sized... for lack of a better term... Farewell party at their house. Alot of familiar faces came out to see it. Seth, Bobby, Jessie, Charis, Scott, Tomas, Miranda, Kristen (biggest shock there seeing shes been missing off the face of the earth since the end of high school) and the regular hometown crew were all there. We ate food, talked, enjoyed ourselves as much as we could and cried alot, including myself... which I never thought I'd hurt so much after a lost one again after dad... but I bawled like a baby on a number of occasions, but we had each other and I wasn't alone, so things were ok.
Seeing everyone together again was good and even brought out something better.
Funny how my family works and how my friends work in a similar fashsion.
My dad dies, my family realizes how much we don't spend with each other. How little we made outselves available for family. It opened our eyes. We agreed to make each other a priority and spend as much time as possible with one another because we care.
Sure enough, the death of our closest friend brought out the same feelings. We dont talk much. We dont hang out enough. We dont do nearly as much as what we could for each other.
Now this is changing.
Holly is taking charge in being super organizer for all of us slackers. She is making sure everyone is in the "in crowd" and knows what the others (if the so choose to say) are doing. We even have our own monthly gatherings just like the family did. Its yet to really take off. 1st month was sorta... her funeral... 2nd month was just a simple bbq at my place. Was alot of fun actually, but nothing really exciting and mostly just us talking. Was really all we needed, so it was good. We've got ideas and events coming up for the next coming months too, so should get better and more interesting.
Also on the up and up... while I've been waiting to attempt to be able to figure out how my life is going to change and figuring out more about me and my chronic stupidity that is my body, I've taken up work again... at least partially.
Working for mom is always... interesting. Decent pay, pretty much get my own hours... Life is managable. Problem is... I hate work. haha... Call me lazy... call me whatever you want. I'm it. I know I am. But I'm working regardless. Many a times through pain and stupid crap of a headache others leave for me. I agreed to help mom out with fixing her FLOORS. I've finished the FLOORS in one of her appartment and somehow... this was a free invitation to do 50 other things that my mother didnt even ask me to do. Its been the other siblings who say... you know, we should do this. And of couse by "we" they mean, I should do that. I'm getting quite pissy and tired of what they have in mind for me. I've done what I've said I would, the FLOORS(!!!!!!!) I'm not a cabinet fixer/painter/patio decorator/handyman for every frickin little job you think you see... and its funny... cause I'm the lazy one in my family. I've got no motivation to do jack shit. You have to tell me 100 times before it gets through my head to get started on something, and even then, I need to be babysat to continue to work on what I need to. Thats how they see me... and makes me pretty sick to my stomach. makes me want to hurt some of my family and tell them off in a big way. Whats worse is they give me the list of things to do... but when I'm busy with something else and they call me "Hey, wondering if your free to do work on the appartment" guess what happens... N-O-T-H-I-N-G-! Apparently I'm lazy... yet they cant do crap on their own when they have the time... I want to hurt someone... very... very... VERY badly.
*breaths*
I finished the floors with Steve like I said I would. Tile. no fun... lemme tell ya. Felt like it would never end. So after I'm done with those floors... here is Bryan telling me about this other place he is fixing up for his work... and its more tile. Fun... But, it is money. Today was my first day over there... and I worked friggin hard. I got 2 nasty no fun blisters, hurt neck, sore back, cramping legs... annnnnnd I agreed to help him tomorrow... Why? Cause I'm a glutton for pain... and money I desperately need. Spent all of the money I made with mom on fixing my car. 900 bucks... all down the tube... and I'm broke again. This wasn't how it was suposed to be really... but yeah... gotta put some money away for various reasons... most of which are of the Brittany related categories. I'm ok with that... So I'm working through pain and crappy feelings for a girl I cant see or talk to... what of it? -_-;
It should be all good. I've got ideas for 2 other part time jobs ontop of what work mom and Bryan give me. Part time work that is SUPER flexable. I'm pretty much a shoe in at one of those jobs. Being a working camera man for a local business/studio. Actually looks like it could be alot of fun. The other idea for part timer would also (I immagine) be quite available as a substitute teacher around the county.
Downside of everything... I'm not sure if I can do all that work and keep my healthcare benifits. I'm being paid without reports from mom and Bryan. Those 2 I've got nicely and dont have to tell anyone... the other 2 will be a different story. I'm really not even sure what to make of it. I've been healthy for about 9 months now, and feeling great. But I'm also going to the hospital next week for stent changes. Just annoying how everything works that way. bleh. SO! I'm gonna have a talk with some people on the inside very very soon... being my mom. hah. Nice to have people you can talk to for this sorta thing who can actually help!
So anyways... other than that, the only thing thats worth much of mentioning is that, yes, Brittany and I are still together. sorta... if you can call it that... ><><)
She is my soulmate and best friend and I love her.
IF it was ment to be... September is going to be the best month of my life. If not... at least I'll know that I can move on and try to be confusing and conflicting with someone else... haha.
So time will tell.
Some fun things to mention... I was speeding in my car to help Steve get a stolen item back... was fun... and interesting... was certainly a crazy rush.
Getting my gaming habit outta my system. Started this web site called Goozex. Peer 2 Peer game trading system thats inexpensive and works for me, all very afordable. ummm free passes to 6 flags the other day... was lots of fun. Batman Batman ride was the best. It was actually called the batwing, but I dubbed it Batman Batman ride for no good reason. Has to have at least 2 Batmans for it to be official... but more Batmans are just as good. Had a full length conversation of just "Batman Batman" over and ever again with the peoples I went with. Made me laugh. Actualy that day made me laugh alot. Good times.
Though, Biggest things to happen to me lately... well are pretty bad in my eyes.
My best friend from high school killed herself early june. Struggles with her long time boyfriend, as I understand it, finally became too much for the both of them, and they broke up. I'm not sure what else was happening in her life, sadly, but apparently it wasn't the only thing that misfortune gave to her. However, it was the straw that broke the proverbial camels back. Aurellia took her own life by ODing on sleeping pills to be found alone and no longer in pain the next morning.
The "funeral" was nice however. Aurellia's mom held a decent sized... for lack of a better term... Farewell party at their house. Alot of familiar faces came out to see it. Seth, Bobby, Jessie, Charis, Scott, Tomas, Miranda, Kristen (biggest shock there seeing shes been missing off the face of the earth since the end of high school) and the regular hometown crew were all there. We ate food, talked, enjoyed ourselves as much as we could and cried alot, including myself... which I never thought I'd hurt so much after a lost one again after dad... but I bawled like a baby on a number of occasions, but we had each other and I wasn't alone, so things were ok.
Seeing everyone together again was good and even brought out something better.
Funny how my family works and how my friends work in a similar fashsion.
My dad dies, my family realizes how much we don't spend with each other. How little we made outselves available for family. It opened our eyes. We agreed to make each other a priority and spend as much time as possible with one another because we care.
Sure enough, the death of our closest friend brought out the same feelings. We dont talk much. We dont hang out enough. We dont do nearly as much as what we could for each other.
Now this is changing.
Holly is taking charge in being super organizer for all of us slackers. She is making sure everyone is in the "in crowd" and knows what the others (if the so choose to say) are doing. We even have our own monthly gatherings just like the family did. Its yet to really take off. 1st month was sorta... her funeral... 2nd month was just a simple bbq at my place. Was alot of fun actually, but nothing really exciting and mostly just us talking. Was really all we needed, so it was good. We've got ideas and events coming up for the next coming months too, so should get better and more interesting.
Also on the up and up... while I've been waiting to attempt to be able to figure out how my life is going to change and figuring out more about me and my chronic stupidity that is my body, I've taken up work again... at least partially.
Working for mom is always... interesting. Decent pay, pretty much get my own hours... Life is managable. Problem is... I hate work. haha... Call me lazy... call me whatever you want. I'm it. I know I am. But I'm working regardless. Many a times through pain and stupid crap of a headache others leave for me. I agreed to help mom out with fixing her FLOORS. I've finished the FLOORS in one of her appartment and somehow... this was a free invitation to do 50 other things that my mother didnt even ask me to do. Its been the other siblings who say... you know, we should do this. And of couse by "we" they mean, I should do that. I'm getting quite pissy and tired of what they have in mind for me. I've done what I've said I would, the FLOORS(!!!!!!!) I'm not a cabinet fixer/painter/patio decorator/handyman for every frickin little job you think you see... and its funny... cause I'm the lazy one in my family. I've got no motivation to do jack shit. You have to tell me 100 times before it gets through my head to get started on something, and even then, I need to be babysat to continue to work on what I need to. Thats how they see me... and makes me pretty sick to my stomach. makes me want to hurt some of my family and tell them off in a big way. Whats worse is they give me the list of things to do... but when I'm busy with something else and they call me "Hey, wondering if your free to do work on the appartment" guess what happens... N-O-T-H-I-N-G-! Apparently I'm lazy... yet they cant do crap on their own when they have the time... I want to hurt someone... very... very... VERY badly.
*breaths*
I finished the floors with Steve like I said I would. Tile. no fun... lemme tell ya. Felt like it would never end. So after I'm done with those floors... here is Bryan telling me about this other place he is fixing up for his work... and its more tile. Fun... But, it is money. Today was my first day over there... and I worked friggin hard. I got 2 nasty no fun blisters, hurt neck, sore back, cramping legs... annnnnnd I agreed to help him tomorrow... Why? Cause I'm a glutton for pain... and money I desperately need. Spent all of the money I made with mom on fixing my car. 900 bucks... all down the tube... and I'm broke again. This wasn't how it was suposed to be really... but yeah... gotta put some money away for various reasons... most of which are of the Brittany related categories. I'm ok with that... So I'm working through pain and crappy feelings for a girl I cant see or talk to... what of it? -_-;
It should be all good. I've got ideas for 2 other part time jobs ontop of what work mom and Bryan give me. Part time work that is SUPER flexable. I'm pretty much a shoe in at one of those jobs. Being a working camera man for a local business/studio. Actually looks like it could be alot of fun. The other idea for part timer would also (I immagine) be quite available as a substitute teacher around the county.
Downside of everything... I'm not sure if I can do all that work and keep my healthcare benifits. I'm being paid without reports from mom and Bryan. Those 2 I've got nicely and dont have to tell anyone... the other 2 will be a different story. I'm really not even sure what to make of it. I've been healthy for about 9 months now, and feeling great. But I'm also going to the hospital next week for stent changes. Just annoying how everything works that way. bleh. SO! I'm gonna have a talk with some people on the inside very very soon... being my mom. hah. Nice to have people you can talk to for this sorta thing who can actually help!
So anyways... other than that, the only thing thats worth much of mentioning is that, yes, Brittany and I are still together. sorta... if you can call it that... ><><)
She is my soulmate and best friend and I love her.
IF it was ment to be... September is going to be the best month of my life. If not... at least I'll know that I can move on and try to be confusing and conflicting with someone else... haha.
So time will tell.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Burning at the stake, or castration?
/begins rant -_-
Slow agonizing death? Or just chop off their reproductive organs? What is the solutions for stupid people? I would dare to say it is one of these 2 options... I honestly don't care which it is, just THE CYCLE NEEDS TO STOP HERE!!! STOP THE STUPIDITY!!! STOP THE DISEASE! NO MORE BREEDING!
I feel like I belong in Washington D.C. with a rioting group with posters or something... >.>
Its not stupidity like how a retarded child is mentally challenged. These people are just dumb because they are ignorant from themselves and the rest of the world. The mentally challenged have an excuse. These people just choose to be morons for the rest of their lives... and it makes me sick. It is rotting what good we have in this world. Cut off the rotting festering problem before it spreads. This is what you do with anything that is destroying whats good and whole and pure. Yet with idiots, they wander around spreading their infectious ways to others. The worst part about all of this is, the more infected and worse off you are... the more you want to find someone to breed with and spread your filth around. Maybe a natural phenomenon of wanting to prolong their race/species whatever you would like to call it.
What ever happened to common sense? Its no longer common losing all meaning of what it was intending to in the first place. Fame and fortune and putting others down or cheating the "system" to reach those 2 objectives have replaced anything that once may have even resembled common sense. It is the world we live in now and no one is willing to do anything about it.
We live in a nation where any ideals is accepted or at least tolerated. It is a "free" country to do as you please. Forgive me for somehow thinking that his form of "free" is more like organized anarchy than anything else and the worst possible structure you could hope to live in because anarchy is still anarchy... drives me fucking insane
/ends rant
*breaths deeply*
Explanation:
I just had to deal with an adult. 22-23 at least, probably more. He does not like me because I ask him a number of times to just change subjects on him talking to himself about foot fetishes. He yells at me and says its none of my fucking business what he says and continues to feel arrogant and proud enough to think he has some mission to let everyone know 10 times over that he loves feet.
I ran into this guy in FFXI. He decides to slap me. I'm a proud guy myself sometimes too... I hate it when I am.
But I dont want people to feel comfortable making me their doormat, walking over me as they please.
I laugh at him saying his big mouth got himself in trouble enough to get kicked, and glad to see it happen to him as well. This guy isnt going to let that stand. He says "Your momma kicked me foo"
/facepalm
He then continues asking for me to talk to him on xbox. He really really really really REALLY needs to tell me something. I dont need someone to harass me whenever they feel like it even if I had an xbox. He then asks for my cell number so I can talk to him. He REALLY needs to say something. Again.. I tell him, No thanks. Said he just wanted to hear me cause I talk like a faggot, that I'm a homo, that I sound like a hot girl.
This goes on for a while. Insults back and forth... and if you didn't already know... I'm awful at being quick witted and throwing insults at others. I don't do it often, and I don't make it a habit.
This guy is just bad tho. Just keeps saying: "Your momma is my girlfriend." then when I say hes pretty pathetic and not worth the effort, he moves to "Your sister is my girlfriend." and does not stop with your mom, your sister, your mom, your mom... I let loose on him and he shut up. Probably /blisted me... but don't care really. He wants to try to insult me like a 2nd grader, he can pull all the your momma jokes or I'm rubber, you are glue or sticks and stones he can muster. Isn't going to bother me only for the lost time and lost brain cells it took to talk to him.
Stupid people really really annoy me to high hell.
-_-
Slow agonizing death? Or just chop off their reproductive organs? What is the solutions for stupid people? I would dare to say it is one of these 2 options... I honestly don't care which it is, just THE CYCLE NEEDS TO STOP HERE!!! STOP THE STUPIDITY!!! STOP THE DISEASE! NO MORE BREEDING!
I feel like I belong in Washington D.C. with a rioting group with posters or something... >.>
Its not stupidity like how a retarded child is mentally challenged. These people are just dumb because they are ignorant from themselves and the rest of the world. The mentally challenged have an excuse. These people just choose to be morons for the rest of their lives... and it makes me sick. It is rotting what good we have in this world. Cut off the rotting festering problem before it spreads. This is what you do with anything that is destroying whats good and whole and pure. Yet with idiots, they wander around spreading their infectious ways to others. The worst part about all of this is, the more infected and worse off you are... the more you want to find someone to breed with and spread your filth around. Maybe a natural phenomenon of wanting to prolong their race/species whatever you would like to call it.
What ever happened to common sense? Its no longer common losing all meaning of what it was intending to in the first place. Fame and fortune and putting others down or cheating the "system" to reach those 2 objectives have replaced anything that once may have even resembled common sense. It is the world we live in now and no one is willing to do anything about it.
We live in a nation where any ideals is accepted or at least tolerated. It is a "free" country to do as you please. Forgive me for somehow thinking that his form of "free" is more like organized anarchy than anything else and the worst possible structure you could hope to live in because anarchy is still anarchy... drives me fucking insane
/ends rant
*breaths deeply*
Explanation:
I just had to deal with an adult. 22-23 at least, probably more. He does not like me because I ask him a number of times to just change subjects on him talking to himself about foot fetishes. He yells at me and says its none of my fucking business what he says and continues to feel arrogant and proud enough to think he has some mission to let everyone know 10 times over that he loves feet.
I ran into this guy in FFXI. He decides to slap me. I'm a proud guy myself sometimes too... I hate it when I am.
But I dont want people to feel comfortable making me their doormat, walking over me as they please.
I laugh at him saying his big mouth got himself in trouble enough to get kicked, and glad to see it happen to him as well. This guy isnt going to let that stand. He says "Your momma kicked me foo"
/facepalm
He then continues asking for me to talk to him on xbox. He really really really really REALLY needs to tell me something. I dont need someone to harass me whenever they feel like it even if I had an xbox. He then asks for my cell number so I can talk to him. He REALLY needs to say something. Again.. I tell him, No thanks. Said he just wanted to hear me cause I talk like a faggot, that I'm a homo, that I sound like a hot girl.
This goes on for a while. Insults back and forth... and if you didn't already know... I'm awful at being quick witted and throwing insults at others. I don't do it often, and I don't make it a habit.
This guy is just bad tho. Just keeps saying: "Your momma is my girlfriend." then when I say hes pretty pathetic and not worth the effort, he moves to "Your sister is my girlfriend." and does not stop with your mom, your sister, your mom, your mom... I let loose on him and he shut up. Probably /blisted me... but don't care really. He wants to try to insult me like a 2nd grader, he can pull all the your momma jokes or I'm rubber, you are glue or sticks and stones he can muster. Isn't going to bother me only for the lost time and lost brain cells it took to talk to him.
Stupid people really really annoy me to high hell.
-_-
Saturday, May 16, 2009
I'm on Youtube!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/SquireMuldune3rd
Yeah... so nothing really has been going on. Been tyring new things and picking up new hobbies and this youtube thingie is one.
What I've been doing on youtube is something called "Lets Play" or LPs for short. Basicly, you play a game and add your own comentary beind it as you play. Pretty simple. I like the sound of my own voice and get a kick outta some things I say/do and get myself to laugh so this is almost theraputic for what I've been going through last month.
lol I guess I haven't posted or say anything lately because nothing bad has happened and thats usually when I want to write something. Still dating Feiht and very happy with her. Still haven't made the appointments I need to with the doctors I should go see. I'm pretty much being a slacker and happy in my own little slacker world I supose ^^
Being a real life slacker has its benifits though. I have a 75 PLD in XI now!!! And I've been trying to get into tanking/sub tanking in Dynamis which is quite the challenge. I love PLD just for that reason alone. It really is challenging. Sort of like being a leader even of your party. Everyone relys on a good tank. If you have a bad tank, your party can go to crap in a hurry. I guess I sorta like being in the spotlight. My little pride I have grows with each time I do well as PLD too... its pretty addicting. Still does not compare in terms of loving a job as my MNK does. Me and MNK go together like peanutbutter and bananas! (if you dont believe me... try it... cause your missing out!! lol)
Next on my list of things to level... is actually Merits/Guard skill ups. Then I'm not quite sure if I've decided yet or not... Either BLU, DRG, or THF. And sorta leaning towards DRG atm, just cause it looks to be amazing. It already is at 40.
But yeah. Life is pretty good right now and I'm generally stress free ^^
So hope everyone is doing well and till next time.
Yeah... so nothing really has been going on. Been tyring new things and picking up new hobbies and this youtube thingie is one.
What I've been doing on youtube is something called "Lets Play" or LPs for short. Basicly, you play a game and add your own comentary beind it as you play. Pretty simple. I like the sound of my own voice and get a kick outta some things I say/do and get myself to laugh so this is almost theraputic for what I've been going through last month.
lol I guess I haven't posted or say anything lately because nothing bad has happened and thats usually when I want to write something. Still dating Feiht and very happy with her. Still haven't made the appointments I need to with the doctors I should go see. I'm pretty much being a slacker and happy in my own little slacker world I supose ^^
Being a real life slacker has its benifits though. I have a 75 PLD in XI now!!! And I've been trying to get into tanking/sub tanking in Dynamis which is quite the challenge. I love PLD just for that reason alone. It really is challenging. Sort of like being a leader even of your party. Everyone relys on a good tank. If you have a bad tank, your party can go to crap in a hurry. I guess I sorta like being in the spotlight. My little pride I have grows with each time I do well as PLD too... its pretty addicting. Still does not compare in terms of loving a job as my MNK does. Me and MNK go together like peanutbutter and bananas! (if you dont believe me... try it... cause your missing out!! lol)
Next on my list of things to level... is actually Merits/Guard skill ups. Then I'm not quite sure if I've decided yet or not... Either BLU, DRG, or THF. And sorta leaning towards DRG atm, just cause it looks to be amazing. It already is at 40.
But yeah. Life is pretty good right now and I'm generally stress free ^^
So hope everyone is doing well and till next time.
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