been too long...

So. No feiht. No motivation. Too much grief and time on my hands.

I want to be mad at someone. I want to be mad at the people that have loved me with a knife in my back. I want to be mad at those who can't even look me in the eye to be honest for a moment. I want to be mad at those who I try my hardest for... only to have them never notice me and have myself lost in the process.

"It feels cold..."

I am a small insignificant person behind a plate of glass looking at those that are trying hard to be happy. I can't be happy. I just want to hold. I want to be held. I want whats behind the glass... but there is the glass. Its always there. Instead of my focus on the smile behind the glass. I see the tears and the sad face in the refection.

There is something horribly wrong with me. That I can't be happy... that I can't find someone who can love me as my equal. My love is always fleeting. My love is a false one. My love is unlasting... and I hate it. I hate myself. I hate everyone for making me who I am.
I am constantly reminded of my failures... the goals that I was told I should be making that are so instilled in my brain that I can't be sure if the goal is mine or is someone elses. That my goals for being happy is the "white picket fence"dream... and how I can never reach that. No job. No school. no one to love... and its the worst feeling in the entire world.

no love

no gentle eyes that speak volumes of how much I'm needed. No beating hearts to radiate its warmth as I pull them close to me. No soft lips to whisper endearing words or speak what can't be spoken, but shown as they reach my own lips.

I don't have any of that. I'm not sure if I am capable... if there is anyone who might be able to fill that role... that spot in my heart. I worry that I ask for too much... that maybe thats why I am so unlovable... because no human has that capacity for love. These voids are actually black holes that cannot be filled.

So... the only thing I'm able to do is write. No one cares to read it. No one knows who I am, so I do it for myself. And its strange how it does help numb the pain. I know the holes are still there. The scars are left and the pain slowly fades until they are reopened by some unknown event... and so I continue. I strive to live just to see the next day until I figure out what I want. What I need.

But I still want the impossible. I want love that cannot be returned. I'm not even sure why it can't be. I'm not sure what I've done to fuck up so bad. But I want it more than anything... I try to move on... but I'm reminded so much of how things were.
God I miss those days.


All I wish for are more days similar to those... in one way or another. Days where I had something to look forward to. Those were good days.