A whole year... huh?

Yeah maybe it has been a while. Like the last post, not a whole lot of motivation. Nothing really new to even talk about. Haven't really been happy for long cause of being single... haven't really been healthy... haven't even really been outside of the house aside from being hospitalized except maybe a rare occasion or 3. I even missed my birthday some of thanksgiving from diet restrictions and christmas because I was away in the hospital. And yet I still don't think life is all that bad.

I refuse to give into depression. Despite all thats gone wrong in my life in the last year and a half, I can still survive to live another day. I don't think I'm living day to day like I used to... but I don't really have much of any goals for myself or anything to keep me motivated other than my own stubbornness to give into being anyone but my happy-go-lucky self and attitude. Not sure if its a good thing or not... to be the typical male who can't show his true feelings or emotions to the real world... and not completely sure if thats even my case. I'm still emotional and I still get frustrated and talk to others I trust with those issues that do come up. I'm not an introvert by any means of the word... But as I said... I'm really just too stubborn and pig-headed to really thing of any other way to live my life.

I really hate being single though... that is and has been my number one gripe since Britt vanished into thin air. I'm actually mostly on here because of her surprisingly. I was wanting to check another blog, Another Metriod 2 Remake, and saw the last few entries by Britt... and made me wonder when was the last email I got from her... and read that... and then got sorta love sick. I still have feelings for her if she even exists... as much as I hate to think that way or even admit I have feelings for someone that more than likely duped me into some false reality. For this long after the fact and knowing there were more than one occasion where the stories just kept coming and got more and more ridicules from hindsight. Well... even before hindsight I knew things were sketchy at best. But now I can allow myself to beat me up over not doing anything sooner.

Sadly I think its for the best still that I'm not dating anyone. Health has been crappy. In and out of the hospital on regular intervals... At least this was the case. I'm convinced I won't be back for an unscheduled visit to the hospital for a good long while. And the previous stuff was just the normal thing... infections and needing to remove some foreign object out of my body and replacing it with a new one... be it a stent change or removing and replacing a IV line of one form or another. Even though these things should be simple to avoid and/or fix... they get me often... and being sick so often does one of two things. Either they scare off the potential dates I could have... or they make it so being a companion and being available for the other a bit difficult... and honestly I would feel bad to put someone through that. I felt bad enough with Amber doing that, and that wasn't terribly often then. Health hasn't been all bad news, thankfully. I have started a new kind of chemo these last few months. And what do ya know! They actually gave some results! I mean, what a concept! I do what the doctors say, and it actually does what its meant to do! Its only been minor changes and shrinkage, but results are results and I'll take any good news I can possibly take. For right this moment, I'm not on any chemo because the dr wants me to be healthy and good before continuing another round of treatments.

When I am healthy enough to be outside a hospital... I get bored too easily. I quit FFXI a long while back... I tried FFXIV, even joined a fan group of it and became a mod for the site... but as soon as the game came out... maybe a week after I installed it, I quit. The game did not hold my interest because of how boring it was. It came with too many patches and bugs and it made it so everyone could be lazy and play through single player without much of any problem. Most of which choose this option, leaving out the best part of FFXI... interaction with others... on a MMO. Shouldn't that always be the case? Its MMO for a reason. But yeah, only got to maybe level 5 in 2-3 single quests... cause you level friggin fast. Which I also didn't like. There was no strategy. No difficulty that I saw. Maybe its better in later parts of the game... but I didn't see it and lost interest quickly. So instead I've spent most of my time watching anime of various sorts. Some good... some really... really bad. But I had a small interest in some of em and spent enough time to get into the show... I had to finish. Actually I joined a group online that meets up to watch anime and just hang out. I haven't gone to any of these meetings... BUT I AM GOING TO!!!! >< I'm very determined to this next one on the 16th. It'll be awesome to just get out and meet new people myself. No one else has to introduce me, no one else has to show me where to meet people with similar interests, where I can be myself without ridicule... I am going and going to be "normal" for once in my life. Reminds me of a joke on this video. Hilarious stuff. Team Four Star's DBZ abridged. They take... maybe 4-6 episodes of DBZ and condense it into 10 minutes with their own dubbing. Its pure genius. But yeah. Talking about Gohan, Krillin asks Goku what Chi Chi expects of him... "being a productive member of society". Goku replies, "Thats it. Lame!". So yeah. I'm gonna be lame... I need to be lame... I crave it. Been too long just being bored around the house doing a lot of nothing but internet surfing and gaming on ps3 and wii. Yeah... finally broke down and got one, but for a good price.

Even though I've been lame, I've still made some friends at home through online stuffs. On that FFXIV site I was talking about before, I made a few good friends with people. The best of the bunch would be Aquacoma, or David. Was kinda bizarre, we started talking about music and we instantly became fast friends over it. He knew all the odd music I loved and I knew the odd music he loved... and the little bits that we didn't know from each other... we wondered why we hadn't heard any of that before because its pretty amazing stuff. But yeah... was pretty interesting and if I was gay, I'd have the biggest crush on the guy... XD awful but true. Hes one of my best friends now and pretty sure it works both ways. Though he does have a cute girlfriend that keeps him more busy lately, but I still fit into the busy schedule sometimes.
My brother, Chris, is actually getting married shortly. The wedding, according to the "save the date" magnet I have is actually just an hour away from where David is living, in New Mexico, so I've got plans to go to the wedding and hang out with my friend there for a week or so and just enjoy life and be "lame" again being social and all that jazz. So thats exciting for me to get out again and do something different.

But yeah... thats my life in a nut shell as for this moment in time. Maybe I'll get better at posting in here, cause earlier I was way bummed out cause of the Brittany thing... Talking it out, or I guess writing in this case, I feel has helped a bit. So yeah... next minor crisis that happens in my small world, or lets hope for a major break through in the good end of my life, I'll come back to talk about it. One can only hope that after all this bad, I can find some more good to talk about than the negative... one can only hope...