So... Today went to the doctor to check up on the results of my latest cat scan and see how far my body/condition has improved or regressed. I really hate doctors... just so everyone knows and I get that out in the clear. Been off my treatments for a month now because he wants to talk to me a few times before I can go back on... where I lost this month for him to tell me... My scans look the same as they did an entire year ago when I started my heavy duty medication... 0 progress... and I'm not terribly happy about it.
The doctor did have something positive to say.
First that my condition is slow growing, so we should expect the treatment to reverse it to be slow growing as well. I won't see results right away and it makes sense in my brain of how the universe works. Newton's Third Law (of motion technically, but I know it applies more to just that) that states for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Equivalent exchange, sorta thing.
The other thing my doc told me was that this is a good thing if you look at it with the right mindset. There was no progression in growth. There should have been, even if it was teeny tiny bigger. It prevented things from getting worse which is a good thing. Its just hard to see sometimes... which I hate... but its good.
Now the rest of the day has been spent working on cleaning up and unpacking things further and spending time with mom. I did another good dent in the mass pile of junk I have with unpacking and you can see half the floor. Though I'm very... very irritated because I opened a box that has alot of my special childhood memories/nic-nacs and other goodies... chewed on by mice I had in my last appartment... to the point of having to throw out some things... and finding that some of my old journal stuff has been eaten as well.
Which sorta brings me to question... Why do people keep journals in the first place? What purpose does it have? I was reading what I could... and I got a little nistalgic and maybe a little depressed reading it. I might... might... want my posterity to read it someday to know me when I was younger and imature and stupid. I doubt it... Those are the only 2 good reasons I can think of why anyone would care to keep a journal. But the reasons aren't very good. Either let people in your life that you might want to be kept secret, or if you want to relive your past, just makes you miss how things were and feel... bleh... Maybe I'm doing something wrong? >.>
I wish I understood how to feel right now too. I wanted to talk to my lovable girlfriend about alot today... get some suport and love, and haven't been able to talk to her for the last 30 hours... roughly. No way to get a hold of her... no way to know if shes ok or if she needs me... I'm tempted to just get in my car and ask random people... "Have you seen this girl?" -_- I get paranoied and quick to worry pretty easilly... and have a habit of thinking of the worst case scenario... which I am always very not fond of. In the slightest. The only contact that I know works is FFXI... and its starting to make me very upset very quickly.
Others complain about how awful their relationship is cause they can't see their lover for a few days. Litterally one of my best friends is married... and they almost have to pry themselves off with a crowbar to get to their seporate work. The moment the one steps into the home when the other is there... they expect you to drop everything your doing no matter what it is or who its involved with... a "welcome home kiss" and makes me jealous and slightly sick. Thats the worst I have to deal with... but there are others that do the same thing daily... I have to sit here and wonder why my gf can't get on FFXI to talk and I worry, while others get to complain about little stupid things that I can't help but think they take for granted...
I swear to myself now...
If things don't work out between myself and Fei... and I hope and prey that they never do... that I will not put myself in another long distance relationship... I hate to say it too cause the local women around here are the worst -_- couldnt care less about me... Tried that route once before... I'm not good enough for alot of people it seems... -_- so makes me want Fei even more and even more worried than I would normally when I want to be there to know what I can do if something happens to her... and I cant do anything but sit here and go to stupid doctors appointments... Gah... >< I hate my situation right about now.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Wafffles or Pancakes!?
Is this even a fair contest?
How could you not enjoy waffles? They stay crisp and crunchy. They hold many reservoirs of any thinkable item be it syrup, butter, PB, ice cream (oh yeah, I went there) or anything else your heart might desire!!! I personally think there is nothing better than a blue monkey ^^
Imagine this. Blueberries and bananas have a baby love child that is thrown into a vat of pancake batter cooked to perfection in a waffle iron. That is pure love I tell you.
Not that I'm dissing pancakes by any means now... its just that I feel waffles are superior to pancakes in every possible way. If your cakes wouldn't get all soggy and cold and syrup filled mess... then I'd say they might have a case. But in the breakfast world... there is no greater champion than a tastey waffle.
How could you not enjoy waffles? They stay crisp and crunchy. They hold many reservoirs of any thinkable item be it syrup, butter, PB, ice cream (oh yeah, I went there) or anything else your heart might desire!!! I personally think there is nothing better than a blue monkey ^^
Imagine this. Blueberries and bananas have a baby love child that is thrown into a vat of pancake batter cooked to perfection in a waffle iron. That is pure love I tell you.
Not that I'm dissing pancakes by any means now... its just that I feel waffles are superior to pancakes in every possible way. If your cakes wouldn't get all soggy and cold and syrup filled mess... then I'd say they might have a case. But in the breakfast world... there is no greater champion than a tastey waffle.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Stresses of the day!
Good greif... today has not been kind to little ol' me. Wake up not feeling well... in fact, felt quite ill. Wake up and in 5 minutes I realize I was being an ass the day before to the one I love the most... and so the day just started off wrong... I've been in bed all day... havent eaten much if anything at all, and I'm annoyed at stupid people once again.
Waiting for a besieged to start. Once again... I find myself going into Forsaken Knights shell cause I've got nothing better to do... and to be honest bored/sick of the other shell I'm in. Everyone is married and happy and seeing their loved ones and makes me upset and a little jealous that I have to wait longer to be with my Fei... so I leave and get in FK and the asshattery comes as well.
I just make a coment saying.
Oh double beseiged sorta. Mamool at lvl 1. Trolls at 8. So they are almost close together for double.
Outta no where, some deuche says, no way thats years apart.
My reply was, I said almost. Yeah you might be waiting an hour or 2, but its close enough.
"You know, you should really make yourself clearer" and then laughs at me... I dont think he was being too serious, so I said back.
I was plenty clear I feel. Maybe you shouldn't be looking too deep into what I said.
"dood take it easy. I wasn't lookin in anything only teasing ur uptight bunghole."
-_-
This is the sorta crap I get constantly. I am a hard ass in that linkshell... I can never make a joke, nor can I ever take one. I'm mr. serious. Scary scary mr. serious. >.> Why? Cause I try to actually keep some order and normalcy in there and call people out when they are being complete asses of themselves.
So anyways... my day has been full of nothing but rest and dissapointment. Lovely right? Even though I havent been feeling my best, I felt like I needed to get off my ass and actually do some work... and unpack more crap and get things a little more organized. Not much has really changed sadly. I just shuffled things around and now it looks like less crap is shoved into one corner of my room than there was an hour earlier. I did however realize something I wanted to do again and pick back up in my spare time.
I need to get back into my art again. I'm good at it and I havent in the longest time. I'm gonna take my old art that I've saved too and ink them and put them online so I can have them in better shape for longer time. So look forward to that ^^ Also realized another thing. I dont have enough clothes. Pants to be exact. got plenty of shirts... socks. probably could use some more boxers... but I only have maybe 4 decent pair of pants. I dont really like shopping for myself, by myself tho... so I'll probably only have 4 decent pair till someone invites me to go out with them or till I'm forced to go find something because I'll wear through those pants quickly... just glad summer is around the corner. Can bust out my pastey white skin and wear my shorts and T's haha.
Still not feeling so great though. Hoping tomorrow is a better day... >< please? I need a better day once in a while...
Waiting for a besieged to start. Once again... I find myself going into Forsaken Knights shell cause I've got nothing better to do... and to be honest bored/sick of the other shell I'm in. Everyone is married and happy and seeing their loved ones and makes me upset and a little jealous that I have to wait longer to be with my Fei... so I leave and get in FK and the asshattery comes as well.
I just make a coment saying.
Oh double beseiged sorta. Mamool at lvl 1. Trolls at 8. So they are almost close together for double.
Outta no where, some deuche says, no way thats years apart.
My reply was, I said almost. Yeah you might be waiting an hour or 2, but its close enough.
"You know, you should really make yourself clearer" and then laughs at me... I dont think he was being too serious, so I said back.
I was plenty clear I feel. Maybe you shouldn't be looking too deep into what I said.
"dood take it easy. I wasn't lookin in anything only teasing ur uptight bunghole."
-_-
This is the sorta crap I get constantly. I am a hard ass in that linkshell... I can never make a joke, nor can I ever take one. I'm mr. serious. Scary scary mr. serious. >.> Why? Cause I try to actually keep some order and normalcy in there and call people out when they are being complete asses of themselves.
So anyways... my day has been full of nothing but rest and dissapointment. Lovely right? Even though I havent been feeling my best, I felt like I needed to get off my ass and actually do some work... and unpack more crap and get things a little more organized. Not much has really changed sadly. I just shuffled things around and now it looks like less crap is shoved into one corner of my room than there was an hour earlier. I did however realize something I wanted to do again and pick back up in my spare time.
I need to get back into my art again. I'm good at it and I havent in the longest time. I'm gonna take my old art that I've saved too and ink them and put them online so I can have them in better shape for longer time. So look forward to that ^^ Also realized another thing. I dont have enough clothes. Pants to be exact. got plenty of shirts... socks. probably could use some more boxers... but I only have maybe 4 decent pair of pants. I dont really like shopping for myself, by myself tho... so I'll probably only have 4 decent pair till someone invites me to go out with them or till I'm forced to go find something because I'll wear through those pants quickly... just glad summer is around the corner. Can bust out my pastey white skin and wear my shorts and T's haha.
Still not feeling so great though. Hoping tomorrow is a better day... >< please? I need a better day once in a while...
Where to begin?
wow... It has been quite some time since the last time I've kept a blog/journal/thingie... Not even sure what I wanna say, how I want to say it, how it should look when I finally decide on what to say, so for now... I shall do nothing but ramble to my 1 constant reader!!! Hi Feiht ^^ *waves frantically*
This blog was born out of boredom. Out of trying to fill my life up with as many things as I possibly can to keep my mind off of "life". For those that are lucky enough to stumble upon this that don't know me... I say " "life" " because normally... one has a life to actually live. I am anything but that. I feel my life is slowly slipping out of my grasp through the cracks in my fingers and I'm desperately clinging on to those things that give me purpose. I feel this so called life of mine is 99% bad joke that I ended up getting the short stick on. I don't work. I don't go to school. I just... exist. Not because I choose to be that way. More like... I have no other choice. I've got bad health. Both mental (recent) and physical (probably the reason for the mental) which has been long term. I don't care to get into details right now... like I said, this was to help me keep my mind off of those things. So just in short to help people understand; I have chronic health issues. That being said...
I like to be happy. Or at least try.
What else can we do? I know that everyone has a story to tell. Everyone has their problems and my life is no different. I can deal with problems. Problems resolve. Right? >.> Mine seem to linger. My problem is the problem... at least the inability to fix itself. I can deal with what I have. I just need to feel like I do more than exist. I've been doing that now for over 3 years. Just recently have I been a horrible mess. Things have been looking up for me, however. I have been getting better... just... so... slow...ly. And the best part of it all... Doctors say the cure is something that just about is as bad as the problem to begin with. SO to get fully better... I have to get... worse? How does that work out? I don't like to move backwards. Drives me slightly insane.
So there are a few factors in my life that keep me feeling like I'm moving forward.
First is my girlfriend.
We met in game. I knew her for a little bit before I started to think to myself... "Wouldn't it be crazy if I could actually date Feiht? Pretty sure that would be one of the best things ever." I remember telling something to that effect to my friend Andrew. I invited her out to do a BCNM royal jellies run... and... had to bail on her cause she has a way of disapearing with the least amount of warning. But we were all there. She bought a orb and everything. Me being the nice guy that I am (humble, huh?) tries my best to make sure I get her to use that orb sometime. Preferably with me... cause... well shes just fun and cute and I wanted to get to know her better without... seeming... internet stalkerish >.>
So thus began the story of Fei and Squire.
Its only been... 3 months now... maybe 2 1/2 months? O.o (I wanna say it should be longer, but... with events around it... it can't be. Oh and before I get coments saying how typical of a guy I am for forgeting a date/anniversery or anything of that sort... there... really wasn't a particular day that you could pin this on. At least not that either of us can recall...)
Life couldn't be better with any other woman on this earth. She has helped me with my problems more than I really think she knows. I feel with her... I have things I can look forward to. Goals to set for myself, even in this state, that I could not before. Goals to set for us in a future together. She understands and empathises with my pains. She doesn't make excuses for me even with my problems but encurages me to make myself a better person. With her, I am making progression in my life, or at least I have the illusion of making progression. Either way, I feel... human again with her... instead of a bump on a log... or how I say so many times... an object to be used and then tossed aside as garbage to some, if not all, of the others before her. She makes me feel loved and precious above anything else... and I couldn't ask for more from her. If you people hate mushy... you could always close the window =P I love her more than I thought I could possibly love anyone and realize how lucky I really am to have caught her eye.
Next is my family.
Believe it or not, I am the 7th kid of 8 total. Same parents. Even more amazing than that, we all actually get along with each other and talk/meet regularly! We are the typical dysfunctional family, sure, but I believe we were all brought up in a way that we were taught to be tollerant of everyone regardless of choices they make. There are more important things in the world than ones pride. It might be because we are all pretty awesome people and its good genes from the momma and dadda.
On a breif sidenote as well, again for the people who might stumble upon and actually read the wall of text that is my first post, my dad died of lukemia late November 2001 so I never talk about him cause hes gone and left me with a few things I'd care not to discuss at this time. I love him as my father, but I hate him as my kin and blood. Lots of mixed feelings with him.
Now thats over... ^^; My family... all of them for the most part do get on my nerves and piss me off more times than I care to admit. Some of them understand my situation and even then, all of my siblings have shown me a cold shoulder when I felt like I needed support. Feels like some of them somtimes just tell me "get over it. Walk it off". Frustrating at times... and I loath that statement now... but I talk with my mom, the mediator of the family, and she helps me understand what they might be saying or thinking.... and its not... terrible. Regardless, my family has never left me out in the perverbial cold and always has shown love in their each individual unique way. They help me when I truely need it and have traveled hours on my behalf for my health just for me and no other real reason. But out of all of my family I have my mother to thank the most. For more of the same reason of her helping make my choices easier and try to help me feel comfortable in my own skin and progress towards something I feel would make me better mentally physically and spiritually. I am such a mommas boy ^^;
Lastly... I have FinalFantasyXI.
Might seem kinda lame... and might not be able to understand how something as unproductive as an online video game should be getting thanks for contribuing to my sanity/health. But as I've said before... I've had to deal with what I have for 3 years+ There is only so much I am allowed to do by doctors. There is only so much I can do of those things I'm allowed before I'm so incredibly bored out of my mind. I am a social person. I always have something to say or add, wether it be personal wisdom or general knowledge. Sometimes I think its a good thing. Other times, I think it might get annoying to people... lol but I ams who I ams. The beauty of FFXI is that... it gives me the chance to be that social person. To talk to an infinate amount of people even if I feel like crap and am unable to much but move my little fingers to direct a character to do something on a screen. I love people. I find them entertaining and interesting. Even if they do suck alot of times... you still find a few of the good ones that make the others forgetable and realize who the keepers really are in this world. I've made many a good friends on that game. Met a few. Some I wish I hadn't exactly, but its helped me broaden my views and stretch who I am as a person. I don't see FFXI as a game. I see it as a tool to be who I truely am. A happy person who wants to go out and talk to people and do things with others that might lead to something fun or exciting or interesting... which it usually does that I can talk about to others and have a good laugh later. It works well for me and I throughly enjoy being a part of it.
Now that I've said all that... I'm feeling 1000% better than I was previously. Just one of those depressed moods... really short fuse and irritable... not to mention snappy and grumpy. If I had a vagina... I'm sure I'd be bleeding from it... lol I love it when I can gross myself out a little... >.>; Yes, I am a strange individual. But I like me. Thats whats important right?
So now that I'm feeling better and said everything I wanted to... I'll leave it at this.
This blog was born out of boredom. Out of trying to fill my life up with as many things as I possibly can to keep my mind off of "life". For those that are lucky enough to stumble upon this that don't know me... I say " "life" " because normally... one has a life to actually live. I am anything but that. I feel my life is slowly slipping out of my grasp through the cracks in my fingers and I'm desperately clinging on to those things that give me purpose. I feel this so called life of mine is 99% bad joke that I ended up getting the short stick on. I don't work. I don't go to school. I just... exist. Not because I choose to be that way. More like... I have no other choice. I've got bad health. Both mental (recent) and physical (probably the reason for the mental) which has been long term. I don't care to get into details right now... like I said, this was to help me keep my mind off of those things. So just in short to help people understand; I have chronic health issues. That being said...
I like to be happy. Or at least try.
What else can we do? I know that everyone has a story to tell. Everyone has their problems and my life is no different. I can deal with problems. Problems resolve. Right? >.> Mine seem to linger. My problem is the problem... at least the inability to fix itself. I can deal with what I have. I just need to feel like I do more than exist. I've been doing that now for over 3 years. Just recently have I been a horrible mess. Things have been looking up for me, however. I have been getting better... just... so... slow...ly. And the best part of it all... Doctors say the cure is something that just about is as bad as the problem to begin with. SO to get fully better... I have to get... worse? How does that work out? I don't like to move backwards. Drives me slightly insane.
So there are a few factors in my life that keep me feeling like I'm moving forward.
First is my girlfriend.
We met in game. I knew her for a little bit before I started to think to myself... "Wouldn't it be crazy if I could actually date Feiht? Pretty sure that would be one of the best things ever." I remember telling something to that effect to my friend Andrew. I invited her out to do a BCNM royal jellies run... and... had to bail on her cause she has a way of disapearing with the least amount of warning. But we were all there. She bought a orb and everything. Me being the nice guy that I am (humble, huh?) tries my best to make sure I get her to use that orb sometime. Preferably with me... cause... well shes just fun and cute and I wanted to get to know her better without... seeming... internet stalkerish >.>
So thus began the story of Fei and Squire.
Its only been... 3 months now... maybe 2 1/2 months? O.o (I wanna say it should be longer, but... with events around it... it can't be. Oh and before I get coments saying how typical of a guy I am for forgeting a date/anniversery or anything of that sort... there... really wasn't a particular day that you could pin this on. At least not that either of us can recall...)
Life couldn't be better with any other woman on this earth. She has helped me with my problems more than I really think she knows. I feel with her... I have things I can look forward to. Goals to set for myself, even in this state, that I could not before. Goals to set for us in a future together. She understands and empathises with my pains. She doesn't make excuses for me even with my problems but encurages me to make myself a better person. With her, I am making progression in my life, or at least I have the illusion of making progression. Either way, I feel... human again with her... instead of a bump on a log... or how I say so many times... an object to be used and then tossed aside as garbage to some, if not all, of the others before her. She makes me feel loved and precious above anything else... and I couldn't ask for more from her. If you people hate mushy... you could always close the window =P I love her more than I thought I could possibly love anyone and realize how lucky I really am to have caught her eye.
Next is my family.
Believe it or not, I am the 7th kid of 8 total. Same parents. Even more amazing than that, we all actually get along with each other and talk/meet regularly! We are the typical dysfunctional family, sure, but I believe we were all brought up in a way that we were taught to be tollerant of everyone regardless of choices they make. There are more important things in the world than ones pride. It might be because we are all pretty awesome people and its good genes from the momma and dadda.
On a breif sidenote as well, again for the people who might stumble upon and actually read the wall of text that is my first post, my dad died of lukemia late November 2001 so I never talk about him cause hes gone and left me with a few things I'd care not to discuss at this time. I love him as my father, but I hate him as my kin and blood. Lots of mixed feelings with him.
Now thats over... ^^; My family... all of them for the most part do get on my nerves and piss me off more times than I care to admit. Some of them understand my situation and even then, all of my siblings have shown me a cold shoulder when I felt like I needed support. Feels like some of them somtimes just tell me "get over it. Walk it off". Frustrating at times... and I loath that statement now... but I talk with my mom, the mediator of the family, and she helps me understand what they might be saying or thinking.... and its not... terrible. Regardless, my family has never left me out in the perverbial cold and always has shown love in their each individual unique way. They help me when I truely need it and have traveled hours on my behalf for my health just for me and no other real reason. But out of all of my family I have my mother to thank the most. For more of the same reason of her helping make my choices easier and try to help me feel comfortable in my own skin and progress towards something I feel would make me better mentally physically and spiritually. I am such a mommas boy ^^;
Lastly... I have FinalFantasyXI.
Might seem kinda lame... and might not be able to understand how something as unproductive as an online video game should be getting thanks for contribuing to my sanity/health. But as I've said before... I've had to deal with what I have for 3 years+ There is only so much I am allowed to do by doctors. There is only so much I can do of those things I'm allowed before I'm so incredibly bored out of my mind. I am a social person. I always have something to say or add, wether it be personal wisdom or general knowledge. Sometimes I think its a good thing. Other times, I think it might get annoying to people... lol but I ams who I ams. The beauty of FFXI is that... it gives me the chance to be that social person. To talk to an infinate amount of people even if I feel like crap and am unable to much but move my little fingers to direct a character to do something on a screen. I love people. I find them entertaining and interesting. Even if they do suck alot of times... you still find a few of the good ones that make the others forgetable and realize who the keepers really are in this world. I've made many a good friends on that game. Met a few. Some I wish I hadn't exactly, but its helped me broaden my views and stretch who I am as a person. I don't see FFXI as a game. I see it as a tool to be who I truely am. A happy person who wants to go out and talk to people and do things with others that might lead to something fun or exciting or interesting... which it usually does that I can talk about to others and have a good laugh later. It works well for me and I throughly enjoy being a part of it.
Now that I've said all that... I'm feeling 1000% better than I was previously. Just one of those depressed moods... really short fuse and irritable... not to mention snappy and grumpy. If I had a vagina... I'm sure I'd be bleeding from it... lol I love it when I can gross myself out a little... >.>; Yes, I am a strange individual. But I like me. Thats whats important right?
So now that I'm feeling better and said everything I wanted to... I'll leave it at this.
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