Good news and bad news.

So... Today went to the doctor to check up on the results of my latest cat scan and see how far my body/condition has improved or regressed. I really hate doctors... just so everyone knows and I get that out in the clear. Been off my treatments for a month now because he wants to talk to me a few times before I can go back on... where I lost this month for him to tell me... My scans look the same as they did an entire year ago when I started my heavy duty medication... 0 progress... and I'm not terribly happy about it.

The doctor did have something positive to say.
First that my condition is slow growing, so we should expect the treatment to reverse it to be slow growing as well. I won't see results right away and it makes sense in my brain of how the universe works. Newton's Third Law (of motion technically, but I know it applies more to just that) that states for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Equivalent exchange, sorta thing.
The other thing my doc told me was that this is a good thing if you look at it with the right mindset. There was no progression in growth. There should have been, even if it was teeny tiny bigger. It prevented things from getting worse which is a good thing. Its just hard to see sometimes... which I hate... but its good.

Now the rest of the day has been spent working on cleaning up and unpacking things further and spending time with mom. I did another good dent in the mass pile of junk I have with unpacking and you can see half the floor. Though I'm very... very irritated because I opened a box that has alot of my special childhood memories/nic-nacs and other goodies... chewed on by mice I had in my last appartment... to the point of having to throw out some things... and finding that some of my old journal stuff has been eaten as well.

Which sorta brings me to question... Why do people keep journals in the first place? What purpose does it have? I was reading what I could... and I got a little nistalgic and maybe a little depressed reading it. I might... might... want my posterity to read it someday to know me when I was younger and imature and stupid. I doubt it... Those are the only 2 good reasons I can think of why anyone would care to keep a journal. But the reasons aren't very good. Either let people in your life that you might want to be kept secret, or if you want to relive your past, just makes you miss how things were and feel... bleh... Maybe I'm doing something wrong? >.>

I wish I understood how to feel right now too. I wanted to talk to my lovable girlfriend about alot today... get some suport and love, and haven't been able to talk to her for the last 30 hours... roughly. No way to get a hold of her... no way to know if shes ok or if she needs me... I'm tempted to just get in my car and ask random people... "Have you seen this girl?" -_- I get paranoied and quick to worry pretty easilly... and have a habit of thinking of the worst case scenario... which I am always very not fond of. In the slightest. The only contact that I know works is FFXI... and its starting to make me very upset very quickly.
Others complain about how awful their relationship is cause they can't see their lover for a few days. Litterally one of my best friends is married... and they almost have to pry themselves off with a crowbar to get to their seporate work. The moment the one steps into the home when the other is there... they expect you to drop everything your doing no matter what it is or who its involved with... a "welcome home kiss" and makes me jealous and slightly sick. Thats the worst I have to deal with... but there are others that do the same thing daily... I have to sit here and wonder why my gf can't get on FFXI to talk and I worry, while others get to complain about little stupid things that I can't help but think they take for granted...

I swear to myself now...

If things don't work out between myself and Fei... and I hope and prey that they never do... that I will not put myself in another long distance relationship... I hate to say it too cause the local women around here are the worst -_- couldnt care less about me... Tried that route once before... I'm not good enough for alot of people it seems... -_- so makes me want Fei even more and even more worried than I would normally when I want to be there to know what I can do if something happens to her... and I cant do anything but sit here and go to stupid doctors appointments... Gah... >< I hate my situation right about now.