Mr. Nice Guy.

I feel sick to my stomach... Physically ill... all because I have a big heart for people... and let them in on my lives and use my heart so they can wipe their feet off... leaving me with the caked on dirt and grime that makes me feel so sickly...

But... its finally happened.
Amber is back unfortunately asking for help... and I'm trying my best to not break my phone... not cuss her out and tell her get the fuck outta my life once and for all you 2 timing whore. I want to so bad... I really want to cause thats how I feel.

But... I am mr. nice guy.
Instead, here I am giving advice... or at least attempting to...

A quick history of Amber... my ex girlfriend.
We dated for over a year and a half, close to 2 years. She actually searched me out and was trying to be with me, so I gave her a shot, cause my problem with women is feeling like I am in their lives to fill a use... and once that use has fulfilled their wishes... I'm tossed to the wind like garbage. I am an unfeeling, nonliving being. I must be... because the women in my life have all made me feel this way. Amber is no different. We had our problems... sure, but 90% of our problems stemmed from Sean. He lies, he cheats, he steals, he does whatever the fuck he wants to get his way. He had his eyes set on Amber for a while and partially succeeded in breaking me and her up for a short time at least twice. The last time he said awful things about me and her and she said for us to never speak to him again... so I thought that was the last I heard of him...
I really really wished it was.
Early December of last year, we were hitting another rough spot. I was constantly getting ill... I couldn't talk to her especially when I needed to, she could only speak to me when she needed it. I gave everything to make her happy... and yet I only got a little effort here and there... then finally I got no effort at all. I was told I was not allowed to come back to visit her. She lived with her parents and her parents signed a lease recently that said. "No one other than family is allowed to sleep the night at this residence." I was already having little trust issues with her... but I still cannot comprehend how someone would even have that in a lease for a rental townhouse. Either her parents are liars to their girl, of my girlfriend is lieing to me. I cared for her enough to try to understand... but she kept distancing herself from me... and by mid-december... I broke up with her. I couldnt deal with the distance and having no way to talk or be with her... and it was eating me alive. I couldnt do it anymore...
New Years Eve... I was at my friends house having a good time... and I get a call from her. She needed me to be there for her. She said she think she might be having my baby. I last saw her in early October... and so the very first thing I ask is... whos the father? She is very upset and offended that I would even suguest that it could be someone elses... and that she came to me in confidence and I betrayed that confidence.

About a month goes by and I hear from him or her or someone that this Sean guy is getting ready to visit Amber's home for a full 3 weeks. I get upset... cause where is the lease now? Who the fuck knows. I hear from her about... 2 weeks in of Sean living there... and she says she is miserable because her parents are insisting he stay and live with them. That he just move from New Mexico and stay in Jersey. She didnt want him to stay... for whatever reason...
All of this infuriates me and I hadn't talked to or heard from either in a while now.

At 10 pm tonight roughly... I get a text from Amber that say:

Amber- You there?
Me- Yup.
Amber- Can I talk to you? or do you hate me?
Me- I can talk, and I dont hate you. whats up?
Amber- You know who I'm with. You know hes living with me.... But I'm at my breaking point. He always threatens to leave me. He is always suicidal and on top of it all, he got me knocked up and now I feel like the worst scum and I just. God I feel like dying. I just needed to talk to someone I know cares about me.
Me- I'm really sorry... Did you not know that this was going to happen with him? Why I got/am so upset your with him? Do your parents even know anything?
Amber- Ya I told them and I feel like I am wrong by saying I kinda dont wanna have his baby and that I kinda wanna abort it but I'll decide soon. I'm really hurting.
Me- If you want my honest opinion as a friend... Get him out of your life. Idk if you should abort or give the baby up for adoption... thats not my call... but how many girls has he done this to? How many has left afterwards and talked crap and made himself the good guy? You cant keep that baby... he wont take care of it and there isnt a way you and your parents can raise a baby in your situations. I'd get as far from Sean as you cang et. He is only in for himself... he always has been. I still care about you... I wish you wouldnt do these horrible things to yourself. It hurts me to see you like this now when I knew... I knew it was going to come down to exactly this.
Amber- If I carry the baby nine months I cant give it up. Thats why I'm thinking about abortion.
Amber- I guessed you still loved me and I still care and have love for you and I am just so confused. I just need a friend... one I can trust and thats you. Please dont tell him or anyone else about what I'm telling you. He might get mad and throw my phone and break another one. I dont need any more drama or shit in my life... so please dont tell him.
Me- I wont. Doesnt make me feel any better when you say that either... but we cant change the past... only our futures. Besides, I've never been about the drama. I'm not a child and not going to talk crap to Sean. Its not like me.
Amber- Yeah but I cant see myself with much of a future at the moment.
Me- Please dont say that... your ot like Sean. Dont you ever start thinking like that stupid shit.
Amber- I can only talk to you at school or at night or my phone might get broken again by him, but your my best friend and the only person I trust right now.
Amber- Can I text you tomorrow? I really miss talking to you.
Me- I'll be here if you need it if thats what your asking.
Amber- Thank you for being so wonderful to me... You made me smile finally :) I'll talk to you tomorrow night.
Me- Talk to you later. Be safe.
Amber- I try my hardest =D for you because I promised you I would.

Now... because I didnt go with my gut... and tell her to fuck off... I have to figure out what I want to say to her tomorrow... if I want to say anything at all. I really have no idea... because I feel she said "I guessed you still loved me and I still care and have love for you and I am just so confused. I just need a friend... one I can trust and thats you." to Sean too... either as we were breaking up or before then... I cannot trust her. I do not want another chance with her... I dont want to do anything with her period... but I'm the nice guy... I feel... like I cant leave anyone to hang out to dry... if I'm their so called last hope in life... if they cant turn to anyone else but me... I cant just turn them away no matter how much I hate or despise them...
But at the same time... I just let Amber and Sean get a foot in the door of my life again when I thought all that drama and all that shit was over... that I wouldnt have to hear from either of them ever agian... ever. I feel I made a mistake... and letting my heart give itself a chance to be used and hurt all over again.
I need help... and I'm not sure what to say or think... and really now... I do feel sick and I'll excuse myself to the bathroom for a short while. ><;

till next time...