I really hate to do this... -_-

But! Yeah... nother post of me ranting on about my soap opera for a life... sorta.

Dont worry though!! Its gonna stop very soon... I hope...

So. Sure enough... the day after I get the text from Amber to not talk to Sean anymore cause it makes her mad... she gets the idea... that its idea... that its ok for him to talk to me... if its a message from her...

o.o wha....
wait... O.o??

No... She... O.O!!! *bashes face in, in confusion*

The day after shes a bitch to me... Sean sends me a /tell. "Amber says hi. shes sitting right next to me"
I throw my hands in the air in surrender... though, I tell him...
- Yeah. Amber gets pissed when we talk... so she says we shouldn't talk. I'd actually agree with her. In fact. I'd say it should go for the both of you.

Thats it. He doesn't say a word. I'm honestly quite surprised he doesn't try to start something... or get in the final word even. I go about my merry way.

Almost to 73 on Pld!!! HUZAH!!! This 75 only took me 4 months... compared to the 2 years oon Mnk... I'd say I'm doing pretty good on that one. Nothing special happens in game... things are going good with me and Feiht... found a new happy linkshell thats not full of arrogance and assholes alike... just... people I can get along with and be myself and they accept me for being me. It works.
I did try to call my old friend Jarod from Idaho years. Was short lived and couldn't say much... but hes doing well.

And then... The stupid stupid girl is back... and I dont wanna talk. Its as simple as that. I care not to talk.
So the following conversation happened. A- is for Amber... aka whore... and Me is for... well... me.

A- Hey how you doing?

Me-not so great at the moment... and I thought about what you said about not talking to sean... I think your right only I need to stop talking to the both of you

A- ... why me? What did I do? I left him and me and him are done for good... and he supposedly is in a coma... I thought we were friends...

Me-cause I feel like I'm being pulled in more and more drama talking to you. Last time you said I shouldnt talk to sean. You said you wanted your baby to have a father. now you say he is gone and in some coma and like you dont even care. Its crap like that that I dont get. its the fact that I cant trust much of anything you say... I'm sorry but I dont think you really understand what you've done to me

A- Ya, well he changed my mind on that really fast after he insulted you...
A- How can I understand what I did to you when you wont tell me and how can I make up for it when you wont give me the chance to be your friend.

Me-I've told you. How I cant come be with you. How sean walks right in after I'm gone and not only spends 3 weeks with you. but he moves in. After the shit he pulled... After you said we shouldnt talk to him anymore when we were dating... how when he was there... you told me you werent having sex, nor did you want to. and you end up pregnant... what am I gonna believe? what should I believe? What of anything can I at this point?

A- You wanna know why I did what I did and let him waltz in like that? Cause you hurt me and I wanted to hurt you back.

Me-Oh god... I'm sorry I hurt you. but things werent working between us. Things that idk who lied about... you or your parents... but it was the final straw. Did you expect our relationship to go anywhere when you cant call? I could never reach you when I needed you... and then I couldnt see you anymore? How?

A- I dont know... I just wish this all never happened but I'll deal with it now as an adult and do the best I can at raising a baby on my own cause I'm done with sean and I'll be the best mom I can be but I dont know if I will be any good at it but I'll learn as I go.

Me-I'm sorry things turned out like this... and I wish things could be different... but I cant change the past. Neither can you... but I'm tired of drama and feeling like you want to use me and hurt me more in some sick twisted game. You say you want to be friends... but friends dont do that to each other. I'm sorry

A- You wont get anymore drama. I swear it. I cant lose you... I just cant

Me-Give me one good reason why I should. Honestly. What do I gain from any of this? Other than more heartache and bitter feelings for you and your family. thats all you've ever given me these last 4 months. Thats it... and to make me feel worse than I already am?? Thats lovely. You've done a good job then. You got exactly what you've been wanting from me... and idk what to do or think.

A- What did I want from you? at first I just wanted your love. Then that went away now I'm just asking for friendship and wanting somebody I can talk to who will be here for me and when I'm having troubles to give me faith. You have always been that person.

Me-I have been... and I get burned by it every time I do it again. And I dont know if I want that again.

A- I promise I'll do anything. Please I'm begging you to forgive me and be my friend.

Me-Ok. I'm not promising you anything, but I need time to think about it.

A- ok. thank you.


Now... I was very honest with her... I said I would think about it. Partially to get her off my back to breath a little... but to honestly give it thought to what is best for me. Still thinking... but just so people know the score... I have yet to come up with any reason... period... to still talk to her. I feel like every time I talk to her... I lose a bit of my sanity and I wanna just pull my hair out... its just that crazy. I've thought some really horrible things as well... that I've yet to decide if I want to share with anyone who cares to read this or the other posts I've made... but just know... they make me sick to realize I've come up with some of these things just to make her suffer... That I feel she needs to suffer period for the time we were together... to the time after... to talking to my worst enemy... dating him... then having a baby with him... I want her to suffer greatly. But I'm not going to act on my emotions. That isn't who I am... and I will not play to her level.

I am tired of feeling like just to go to guy when things go wrong... that all she asked for was her! her! her! None of it was... I want to be friends because we can rely on each other... I feel we can trust each other... I feel like we have a connection. It was all her. And its spreading into my current relationship... where I see something Feiht would say... and it just barely reminds me of Amber... and I pounce on every bad thing that could ever happen and end up hurting my girl... and its driving me crazy. I dont need this anymore. I've got enough stress as it is... and I dont need someone whos only willing to pile it on. Call me what you will... if its selfish or cruel... so be it... I'm a heartless bastard. I've come to terms with it. But I do it knowing I've given that girl every single chance she could ever take... and have it thrown right back at me... and I cannot stand for it... not now... not ever.

I'm tired of talking about her... and I think I'm gonna watch a movie or crash or do something else to get my mind off things while I wait for this maintenence to finish up.

Till next time.