Before I go to bed...

Just finished a double besieged in FFXI... and had a good time doing it.... but was obviously missing something important... No Feiht to be found anywhere tonight... which bothers me in more than one way, but I'll explain that in a bit. I just wanted to say before I forgot how giddy me and Fawks are... We killed together durring besieged... and then he started to poke me... then bite me... then ran away. When I asked people in the linkshell to stop and act like I'm a 5 year old whining about a sibling getting to close or touching me... he does just the same... being the agressor. He litterally chased me around Al Zabi for 10 minutes after the Mamool's ran away. Around people... around sheds and stalls... and just how kids would do it... try to sneak up behind the other... and tippy toe to get a jump on em... AND JUMP OUT AND SURPRIZE AND ATTACK!!!!! He actually did that... I witnessed an in game pounce... and I about died laughing it was so stupid... and not to mention late... 2:30 am. So we might be a little delierious... thats ok. It was fun regardless.

In other news regarding my last post... the only thing of notable worth is... I'M GONNA BE AN UNCLE x4!!!! My brother called me up and said his girl, Ella, wanted to tell me something. Shes only 2 and a half so still putting together small sentences and phrases and mumbling and difficult to understand... but... she said " Mommy hasa baby in 'er tummy " All I can do is O.O and laugh. Erin should be due in november frame time, so another baby in the fam is fun to look forward to. I got to talk to Auerillia again and catch her up on life.... which was mostly the Amber rant... -_-

We talked alittle about that... and how it screwed me up pretty bad lately... Specially with Feiht. I feel awful too about it. I love her with all my heart and I feel like I can trust her... but I'm always questioning her... I'm always asking her easy alternitives to solutions I'm looking for... like she hasn't already thought of them... and... it just makes me look like a giant dick and a hypocrite... I cant stand myself really for it...
I can't trust myself enough to let down my guard. Its not always up... but it is always in hand and ready to be brought up in a moments notice.
I just feel like I'm letting her down... I'm not doing what I need to be as her boyfriend... and then after she promises to come back today to be with me tonight... she doesn't show up and my mind is racing... All of everything I know Amber would do to me... What guy shes talking to, dancing with, hitting on, making out with, spending time with and confiding in.... instead of me. All of those things happened in the last relationship... and more... And in my minds eye... Feiht is going to be capable of the same... so she must be doing something! My heart says she isn't cause she loves me and I love her and we have the most perfect relationship in the world, and my mind comes back... No way in hell is it perfect. Everything is faultee... everything is corruptable... surely this relationship cant be the first thing to be that way.
I feel cynical... I feel like I'm scum of the earth. I feel like there is something horribly wrong with me... because so many people must want to use me for their own needs. And I feel sneeky in trying to figure out whats wrong... what am I not being told and what is she lieing to me about... because there has to be something... and its awful of me... I feel pathetic and stupid. And I can't talk to her cause she isn't around to talk to...
Just makes me feel unimportant and upset... I've been feeling this way since this afternoon when I feel like I couldn't keep her attention for more than 3 minutes at a time... I dont think its really that way... I hope its not... but my mind is again telling me to stop trusting my heart. I'm going to end up hurt again and again... and I'm really just torn.
I want to say... Amber has messed me up so good that I need to see a psych. to put this all behind me... but I cant stand shrinks... -_- been there... done that... tried.... and I dont feel like much ever really happens with any of that mess. Just some guy listening to a really boring story of my pointless life and makes me realize how small and unimportant my problems are and how small and unimportant I am as well. I just need a way out of feeling this way... because I dont know how to do it myself. Really if anyone has any advice for me... I could use it.
I love Feiht with all my heart. I know that. I know, if she'll allow it, I'll want to spend the rest of my life with her... but I'm so worried that this baggage is going to tear us appart before I can even get to see her for the first time... I really hate long distance relationships... And yet... I keep putting myself in these situations and wonder why I feel the way I do. *sigh*

I should really attempt to sleep. 3:30 am almost... I dont feel tired. Just... confused and unsure of what life has to give me... and its making me feel very uneasy. Goodnight and I'll report back tomorrow...