Live for the Future Not for the Past.

Great advice, yeah?
I don't think I could possibly come up with such a great and wise and simple answer myself!

So... I couldnt sleep. Go figure. Insomnia strikes! (the comeback) Should be a movie title.
I talk to my friend about this. Ask him "before you got married... have so big a problem with one relationship that it messed up future ones?"
...
...
...
"Nope! My wife is my 2nd gf! Its worked out for 10 years. Isn't life great?"


Thanks... glad you had such an easy time with it... told him my story... my feelings... and he said. Live for the Future...

Not that its bad advice. Its quite good actually. Its just that my mind and heart are so fucked up right now that I can't just say thats that. No more problems for me! Hurray!!!

God those answers bother me... I've got a chronic illness... doesn't just go away like a cold.
And yet... I've actually been told... so? Just get over it.
The nerve of some people sometimes... I know they mean well... but my god I'm not an idiot. I've thought of and tried "just getting over it" SO many times... and guess what!? IT DOESNT WORK THAT WAY!!!!! ><

And wow... I actually got lightheaded and dizzy from being that mad and upset just then.

I wish I had a simpler life where those answers had some possibility behind it. Something so plain and easy a child could pick it out and give the same advice. Its so obvious! Why don't you do it!

Something I've taken away from what the mormon church teaches. Adversity makes you grow.
You either live your life in innocence and sheltered... or you embrace struggle and pain and turn it to experience and learn from it. And... I really don't know which is better right now. I would trade my experience and heartache for a simple answer in a second right now... but its not right. Its not how the world works.
Whoever said "Ignorance is bliss" has it all wrong... To choose to be shallow in knowledge and experience... thats not bliss at all... but... it almost would seem like it in this situation... I'm failing to see the good points of going through this hellish experience this time... All I've learned is to not trust women who get close to my heart... thats not good... where is the positive in all this sea of negitive? Is there any? Maybe it'll bring me and Feiht closer together trying to work through all of this... maybe there isn't anything positive yet because I'm not there in life to see how much it can help? I'm grasping at nothing but lousy ideas that make me want to believe that there is something there. anything.

Gonna take a shower... Always feel a little better after a nice hot shower. Hopefully some of this will just wash away. In the very least it'll help me feel like I could sleep better.... I hope.
So until next time...