Where to begin?

wow... It has been quite some time since the last time I've kept a blog/journal/thingie... Not even sure what I wanna say, how I want to say it, how it should look when I finally decide on what to say, so for now... I shall do nothing but ramble to my 1 constant reader!!! Hi Feiht ^^ *waves frantically*

This blog was born out of boredom. Out of trying to fill my life up with as many things as I possibly can to keep my mind off of "life". For those that are lucky enough to stumble upon this that don't know me... I say " "life" " because normally... one has a life to actually live. I am anything but that. I feel my life is slowly slipping out of my grasp through the cracks in my fingers and I'm desperately clinging on to those things that give me purpose. I feel this so called life of mine is 99% bad joke that I ended up getting the short stick on. I don't work. I don't go to school. I just... exist. Not because I choose to be that way. More like... I have no other choice. I've got bad health. Both mental (recent) and physical (probably the reason for the mental) which has been long term. I don't care to get into details right now... like I said, this was to help me keep my mind off of those things. So just in short to help people understand; I have chronic health issues. That being said...

I like to be happy. Or at least try.

What else can we do? I know that everyone has a story to tell. Everyone has their problems and my life is no different. I can deal with problems. Problems resolve. Right? >.> Mine seem to linger. My problem is the problem... at least the inability to fix itself. I can deal with what I have. I just need to feel like I do more than exist. I've been doing that now for over 3 years. Just recently have I been a horrible mess. Things have been looking up for me, however. I have been getting better... just... so... slow...ly. And the best part of it all... Doctors say the cure is something that just about is as bad as the problem to begin with. SO to get fully better... I have to get... worse? How does that work out? I don't like to move backwards. Drives me slightly insane.

So there are a few factors in my life that keep me feeling like I'm moving forward.

First is my girlfriend.

We met in game. I knew her for a little bit before I started to think to myself... "Wouldn't it be crazy if I could actually date Feiht? Pretty sure that would be one of the best things ever." I remember telling something to that effect to my friend Andrew. I invited her out to do a BCNM royal jellies run... and... had to bail on her cause she has a way of disapearing with the least amount of warning. But we were all there. She bought a orb and everything. Me being the nice guy that I am (humble, huh?) tries my best to make sure I get her to use that orb sometime. Preferably with me... cause... well shes just fun and cute and I wanted to get to know her better without... seeming... internet stalkerish >.>

So thus began the story of Fei and Squire.
Its only been... 3 months now... maybe 2 1/2 months? O.o (I wanna say it should be longer, but... with events around it... it can't be. Oh and before I get coments saying how typical of a guy I am for forgeting a date/anniversery or anything of that sort... there... really wasn't a particular day that you could pin this on. At least not that either of us can recall...)
Life couldn't be better with any other woman on this earth. She has helped me with my problems more than I really think she knows. I feel with her... I have things I can look forward to. Goals to set for myself, even in this state, that I could not before. Goals to set for us in a future together. She understands and empathises with my pains. She doesn't make excuses for me even with my problems but encurages me to make myself a better person. With her, I am making progression in my life, or at least I have the illusion of making progression. Either way, I feel... human again with her... instead of a bump on a log... or how I say so many times... an object to be used and then tossed aside as garbage to some, if not all, of the others before her. She makes me feel loved and precious above anything else... and I couldn't ask for more from her. If you people hate mushy... you could always close the window =P I love her more than I thought I could possibly love anyone and realize how lucky I really am to have caught her eye.

Next is my family.

Believe it or not, I am the 7th kid of 8 total. Same parents. Even more amazing than that, we all actually get along with each other and talk/meet regularly! We are the typical dysfunctional family, sure, but I believe we were all brought up in a way that we were taught to be tollerant of everyone regardless of choices they make. There are more important things in the world than ones pride. It might be because we are all pretty awesome people and its good genes from the momma and dadda.
On a breif sidenote as well, again for the people who might stumble upon and actually read the wall of text that is my first post, my dad died of lukemia late November 2001 so I never talk about him cause hes gone and left me with a few things I'd care not to discuss at this time. I love him as my father, but I hate him as my kin and blood. Lots of mixed feelings with him.
Now thats over... ^^; My family... all of them for the most part do get on my nerves and piss me off more times than I care to admit. Some of them understand my situation and even then, all of my siblings have shown me a cold shoulder when I felt like I needed support. Feels like some of them somtimes just tell me "get over it. Walk it off". Frustrating at times... and I loath that statement now... but I talk with my mom, the mediator of the family, and she helps me understand what they might be saying or thinking.... and its not... terrible. Regardless, my family has never left me out in the perverbial cold and always has shown love in their each individual unique way. They help me when I truely need it and have traveled hours on my behalf for my health just for me and no other real reason. But out of all of my family I have my mother to thank the most. For more of the same reason of her helping make my choices easier and try to help me feel comfortable in my own skin and progress towards something I feel would make me better mentally physically and spiritually. I am such a mommas boy ^^;

Lastly... I have FinalFantasyXI.

Might seem kinda lame... and might not be able to understand how something as unproductive as an online video game should be getting thanks for contribuing to my sanity/health. But as I've said before... I've had to deal with what I have for 3 years+ There is only so much I am allowed to do by doctors. There is only so much I can do of those things I'm allowed before I'm so incredibly bored out of my mind. I am a social person. I always have something to say or add, wether it be personal wisdom or general knowledge. Sometimes I think its a good thing. Other times, I think it might get annoying to people... lol but I ams who I ams. The beauty of FFXI is that... it gives me the chance to be that social person. To talk to an infinate amount of people even if I feel like crap and am unable to much but move my little fingers to direct a character to do something on a screen. I love people. I find them entertaining and interesting. Even if they do suck alot of times... you still find a few of the good ones that make the others forgetable and realize who the keepers really are in this world. I've made many a good friends on that game. Met a few. Some I wish I hadn't exactly, but its helped me broaden my views and stretch who I am as a person. I don't see FFXI as a game. I see it as a tool to be who I truely am. A happy person who wants to go out and talk to people and do things with others that might lead to something fun or exciting or interesting... which it usually does that I can talk about to others and have a good laugh later. It works well for me and I throughly enjoy being a part of it.

Now that I've said all that... I'm feeling 1000% better than I was previously. Just one of those depressed moods... really short fuse and irritable... not to mention snappy and grumpy. If I had a vagina... I'm sure I'd be bleeding from it... lol I love it when I can gross myself out a little... >.>; Yes, I am a strange individual. But I like me. Thats whats important right?

So now that I'm feeling better and said everything I wanted to... I'll leave it at this.