I'm so livid... my blood is boiling. And I'm mostly just pissed at myself. I feel useless... feel like I am dealing with too much of problems that aren't even mine. I'm at the point of choking back tears right now... because of the way we treat others. The way we treat ourselves. I feel there is no hope for us some days and I dont know what to make of it. I feel like changing myself is not enough.
I have been in this situation for too long of being a nice guy. I have no idea what the right answer might be... I have no idea how to carry myself...
all I know is that I'm pissed off to no end... that hell hath no furry... because I know the way people treat their loved ones. I am crying right now too... I'm too fucking nice. I'm getting pissed off... and I really wish I knew what I could do.
But yeah. I just heard that my ex gf is getting beat again by her dad... maybe not severe, but its still physical beatings on top of his metal ones. I feel like she is only opening up to me... and I feel its my duty to call someone who can fix it. Who can take that awful man away. and I'm just bawling... idk if its cause I have some residual feelings for the poor girl... if its the fact that these bastards are doing this to their wives/children... if it reminds me of how much I despise my own father for putting his family through a mental hell.
But I decided... I didn't care what my actions might bring... I didn't want to be that person that could have done something but sat on their hands...
I feel its the hardest thing I have done in my entire life... but I called the child protective service for that area. Just got off the phone... I just dont want to have this stress be placed on my shoulders. I dont want to have anymore to do with it... I'm done. I'm finished. I dont want any more to do with her or her family and I intend to do just that. I really just hope I did the right thing....
But after all thats said and done... I want to never see that happen to my wife... my children. my family. I will not be that person, I only hope I can make it happen. I know how easy it could be to do something I'd regret... I just... I dont know anything. I feel very small. But I also feel a weight lifted off my chest.
Might just be the few shots of vodka I took tho... I'm not sure.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Saturday, August 15, 2009
District 9
Wow... that movie was actually... amazing.
Not a spoiler, so no worries about any of that... besides... I hate it when people do it for me. Not gonna be doing the same to others.
For the first time in... who knows how long... I enjoyed a movie. I enjoyed that it was an original idea/story for a movie even more. It really was simply amazing. I didn't catch the first 5 minutes of it unfortunately, but my friend that I went with saw it before, and just told me... the aliens arrived, were taken from their spaceship and put into a shanty town. So yeah... stuff everyone knows anyways. I'm not picky with movies usually... but with the things that have been coming out... just... want to hurt myself... but what a great fresh breath of air this was. Started off documentary like sort of film but progressed to less of someone watching/filming to what actually happened to the storys "hero" in the way you'd see more of the GOOD action/sci-fi genere films out there. I honestly cannot find a single thing to say bad about it. But yeah. Go see it if you can. I liked it so much, I'd go see it again.
Anywho... today was my first day of being off work. I got to lay down, relax some and just enjoy life. I got nothing done, spent some money, got complimented twice on my T-shirt that I'm wearing for the first time ever (pink shirt with maroon lettering: Meat is Murder (and underneath) Tastey, tastey murder) and I got to eat at Arby's. God I love that place... got my jamocha fix and I'm a happy little camper. ^_^ So yeah, hope I can get more good days like the same of today.
I know I need em.
Not a spoiler, so no worries about any of that... besides... I hate it when people do it for me. Not gonna be doing the same to others.
For the first time in... who knows how long... I enjoyed a movie. I enjoyed that it was an original idea/story for a movie even more. It really was simply amazing. I didn't catch the first 5 minutes of it unfortunately, but my friend that I went with saw it before, and just told me... the aliens arrived, were taken from their spaceship and put into a shanty town. So yeah... stuff everyone knows anyways. I'm not picky with movies usually... but with the things that have been coming out... just... want to hurt myself... but what a great fresh breath of air this was. Started off documentary like sort of film but progressed to less of someone watching/filming to what actually happened to the storys "hero" in the way you'd see more of the GOOD action/sci-fi genere films out there. I honestly cannot find a single thing to say bad about it. But yeah. Go see it if you can. I liked it so much, I'd go see it again.
Anywho... today was my first day of being off work. I got to lay down, relax some and just enjoy life. I got nothing done, spent some money, got complimented twice on my T-shirt that I'm wearing for the first time ever (pink shirt with maroon lettering: Meat is Murder (and underneath) Tastey, tastey murder) and I got to eat at Arby's. God I love that place... got my jamocha fix and I'm a happy little camper. ^_^ So yeah, hope I can get more good days like the same of today.
I know I need em.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Prepare for a wall of text.
So yeah, I haven't kept up with anything of this sort in forever... mostly cause I'm not terribly happy with my so called life. Mostly cause I'm lazy. Mostly cause I'd rather be putting down something worth while instead of just how I feel is my pointless day to day life. Some things have happened... some not so great, some even worse... but all in all, I think its safe to say that my life is in a constant downfall and near impossible to get momentum enough to get working on climbing back up what will be a uphill struggle.
Some fun things to mention... I was speeding in my car to help Steve get a stolen item back... was fun... and interesting... was certainly a crazy rush.
Getting my gaming habit outta my system. Started this web site called Goozex. Peer 2 Peer game trading system thats inexpensive and works for me, all very afordable. ummm free passes to 6 flags the other day... was lots of fun. Batman Batman ride was the best. It was actually called the batwing, but I dubbed it Batman Batman ride for no good reason. Has to have at least 2 Batmans for it to be official... but more Batmans are just as good. Had a full length conversation of just "Batman Batman" over and ever again with the peoples I went with. Made me laugh. Actualy that day made me laugh alot. Good times.
Though, Biggest things to happen to me lately... well are pretty bad in my eyes.
My best friend from high school killed herself early june. Struggles with her long time boyfriend, as I understand it, finally became too much for the both of them, and they broke up. I'm not sure what else was happening in her life, sadly, but apparently it wasn't the only thing that misfortune gave to her. However, it was the straw that broke the proverbial camels back. Aurellia took her own life by ODing on sleeping pills to be found alone and no longer in pain the next morning.
The "funeral" was nice however. Aurellia's mom held a decent sized... for lack of a better term... Farewell party at their house. Alot of familiar faces came out to see it. Seth, Bobby, Jessie, Charis, Scott, Tomas, Miranda, Kristen (biggest shock there seeing shes been missing off the face of the earth since the end of high school) and the regular hometown crew were all there. We ate food, talked, enjoyed ourselves as much as we could and cried alot, including myself... which I never thought I'd hurt so much after a lost one again after dad... but I bawled like a baby on a number of occasions, but we had each other and I wasn't alone, so things were ok.
Seeing everyone together again was good and even brought out something better.
Funny how my family works and how my friends work in a similar fashsion.
My dad dies, my family realizes how much we don't spend with each other. How little we made outselves available for family. It opened our eyes. We agreed to make each other a priority and spend as much time as possible with one another because we care.
Sure enough, the death of our closest friend brought out the same feelings. We dont talk much. We dont hang out enough. We dont do nearly as much as what we could for each other.
Now this is changing.
Holly is taking charge in being super organizer for all of us slackers. She is making sure everyone is in the "in crowd" and knows what the others (if the so choose to say) are doing. We even have our own monthly gatherings just like the family did. Its yet to really take off. 1st month was sorta... her funeral... 2nd month was just a simple bbq at my place. Was alot of fun actually, but nothing really exciting and mostly just us talking. Was really all we needed, so it was good. We've got ideas and events coming up for the next coming months too, so should get better and more interesting.
Also on the up and up... while I've been waiting to attempt to be able to figure out how my life is going to change and figuring out more about me and my chronic stupidity that is my body, I've taken up work again... at least partially.
Working for mom is always... interesting. Decent pay, pretty much get my own hours... Life is managable. Problem is... I hate work. haha... Call me lazy... call me whatever you want. I'm it. I know I am. But I'm working regardless. Many a times through pain and stupid crap of a headache others leave for me. I agreed to help mom out with fixing her FLOORS. I've finished the FLOORS in one of her appartment and somehow... this was a free invitation to do 50 other things that my mother didnt even ask me to do. Its been the other siblings who say... you know, we should do this. And of couse by "we" they mean, I should do that. I'm getting quite pissy and tired of what they have in mind for me. I've done what I've said I would, the FLOORS(!!!!!!!) I'm not a cabinet fixer/painter/patio decorator/handyman for every frickin little job you think you see... and its funny... cause I'm the lazy one in my family. I've got no motivation to do jack shit. You have to tell me 100 times before it gets through my head to get started on something, and even then, I need to be babysat to continue to work on what I need to. Thats how they see me... and makes me pretty sick to my stomach. makes me want to hurt some of my family and tell them off in a big way. Whats worse is they give me the list of things to do... but when I'm busy with something else and they call me "Hey, wondering if your free to do work on the appartment" guess what happens... N-O-T-H-I-N-G-! Apparently I'm lazy... yet they cant do crap on their own when they have the time... I want to hurt someone... very... very... VERY badly.
*breaths*
I finished the floors with Steve like I said I would. Tile. no fun... lemme tell ya. Felt like it would never end. So after I'm done with those floors... here is Bryan telling me about this other place he is fixing up for his work... and its more tile. Fun... But, it is money. Today was my first day over there... and I worked friggin hard. I got 2 nasty no fun blisters, hurt neck, sore back, cramping legs... annnnnnd I agreed to help him tomorrow... Why? Cause I'm a glutton for pain... and money I desperately need. Spent all of the money I made with mom on fixing my car. 900 bucks... all down the tube... and I'm broke again. This wasn't how it was suposed to be really... but yeah... gotta put some money away for various reasons... most of which are of the Brittany related categories. I'm ok with that... So I'm working through pain and crappy feelings for a girl I cant see or talk to... what of it? -_-;
It should be all good. I've got ideas for 2 other part time jobs ontop of what work mom and Bryan give me. Part time work that is SUPER flexable. I'm pretty much a shoe in at one of those jobs. Being a working camera man for a local business/studio. Actually looks like it could be alot of fun. The other idea for part timer would also (I immagine) be quite available as a substitute teacher around the county.
Downside of everything... I'm not sure if I can do all that work and keep my healthcare benifits. I'm being paid without reports from mom and Bryan. Those 2 I've got nicely and dont have to tell anyone... the other 2 will be a different story. I'm really not even sure what to make of it. I've been healthy for about 9 months now, and feeling great. But I'm also going to the hospital next week for stent changes. Just annoying how everything works that way. bleh. SO! I'm gonna have a talk with some people on the inside very very soon... being my mom. hah. Nice to have people you can talk to for this sorta thing who can actually help!
So anyways... other than that, the only thing thats worth much of mentioning is that, yes, Brittany and I are still together. sorta... if you can call it that... ><><)
She is my soulmate and best friend and I love her.
IF it was ment to be... September is going to be the best month of my life. If not... at least I'll know that I can move on and try to be confusing and conflicting with someone else... haha.
So time will tell.
Some fun things to mention... I was speeding in my car to help Steve get a stolen item back... was fun... and interesting... was certainly a crazy rush.
Getting my gaming habit outta my system. Started this web site called Goozex. Peer 2 Peer game trading system thats inexpensive and works for me, all very afordable. ummm free passes to 6 flags the other day... was lots of fun. Batman Batman ride was the best. It was actually called the batwing, but I dubbed it Batman Batman ride for no good reason. Has to have at least 2 Batmans for it to be official... but more Batmans are just as good. Had a full length conversation of just "Batman Batman" over and ever again with the peoples I went with. Made me laugh. Actualy that day made me laugh alot. Good times.
Though, Biggest things to happen to me lately... well are pretty bad in my eyes.
My best friend from high school killed herself early june. Struggles with her long time boyfriend, as I understand it, finally became too much for the both of them, and they broke up. I'm not sure what else was happening in her life, sadly, but apparently it wasn't the only thing that misfortune gave to her. However, it was the straw that broke the proverbial camels back. Aurellia took her own life by ODing on sleeping pills to be found alone and no longer in pain the next morning.
The "funeral" was nice however. Aurellia's mom held a decent sized... for lack of a better term... Farewell party at their house. Alot of familiar faces came out to see it. Seth, Bobby, Jessie, Charis, Scott, Tomas, Miranda, Kristen (biggest shock there seeing shes been missing off the face of the earth since the end of high school) and the regular hometown crew were all there. We ate food, talked, enjoyed ourselves as much as we could and cried alot, including myself... which I never thought I'd hurt so much after a lost one again after dad... but I bawled like a baby on a number of occasions, but we had each other and I wasn't alone, so things were ok.
Seeing everyone together again was good and even brought out something better.
Funny how my family works and how my friends work in a similar fashsion.
My dad dies, my family realizes how much we don't spend with each other. How little we made outselves available for family. It opened our eyes. We agreed to make each other a priority and spend as much time as possible with one another because we care.
Sure enough, the death of our closest friend brought out the same feelings. We dont talk much. We dont hang out enough. We dont do nearly as much as what we could for each other.
Now this is changing.
Holly is taking charge in being super organizer for all of us slackers. She is making sure everyone is in the "in crowd" and knows what the others (if the so choose to say) are doing. We even have our own monthly gatherings just like the family did. Its yet to really take off. 1st month was sorta... her funeral... 2nd month was just a simple bbq at my place. Was alot of fun actually, but nothing really exciting and mostly just us talking. Was really all we needed, so it was good. We've got ideas and events coming up for the next coming months too, so should get better and more interesting.
Also on the up and up... while I've been waiting to attempt to be able to figure out how my life is going to change and figuring out more about me and my chronic stupidity that is my body, I've taken up work again... at least partially.
Working for mom is always... interesting. Decent pay, pretty much get my own hours... Life is managable. Problem is... I hate work. haha... Call me lazy... call me whatever you want. I'm it. I know I am. But I'm working regardless. Many a times through pain and stupid crap of a headache others leave for me. I agreed to help mom out with fixing her FLOORS. I've finished the FLOORS in one of her appartment and somehow... this was a free invitation to do 50 other things that my mother didnt even ask me to do. Its been the other siblings who say... you know, we should do this. And of couse by "we" they mean, I should do that. I'm getting quite pissy and tired of what they have in mind for me. I've done what I've said I would, the FLOORS(!!!!!!!) I'm not a cabinet fixer/painter/patio decorator/handyman for every frickin little job you think you see... and its funny... cause I'm the lazy one in my family. I've got no motivation to do jack shit. You have to tell me 100 times before it gets through my head to get started on something, and even then, I need to be babysat to continue to work on what I need to. Thats how they see me... and makes me pretty sick to my stomach. makes me want to hurt some of my family and tell them off in a big way. Whats worse is they give me the list of things to do... but when I'm busy with something else and they call me "Hey, wondering if your free to do work on the appartment" guess what happens... N-O-T-H-I-N-G-! Apparently I'm lazy... yet they cant do crap on their own when they have the time... I want to hurt someone... very... very... VERY badly.
*breaths*
I finished the floors with Steve like I said I would. Tile. no fun... lemme tell ya. Felt like it would never end. So after I'm done with those floors... here is Bryan telling me about this other place he is fixing up for his work... and its more tile. Fun... But, it is money. Today was my first day over there... and I worked friggin hard. I got 2 nasty no fun blisters, hurt neck, sore back, cramping legs... annnnnnd I agreed to help him tomorrow... Why? Cause I'm a glutton for pain... and money I desperately need. Spent all of the money I made with mom on fixing my car. 900 bucks... all down the tube... and I'm broke again. This wasn't how it was suposed to be really... but yeah... gotta put some money away for various reasons... most of which are of the Brittany related categories. I'm ok with that... So I'm working through pain and crappy feelings for a girl I cant see or talk to... what of it? -_-;
It should be all good. I've got ideas for 2 other part time jobs ontop of what work mom and Bryan give me. Part time work that is SUPER flexable. I'm pretty much a shoe in at one of those jobs. Being a working camera man for a local business/studio. Actually looks like it could be alot of fun. The other idea for part timer would also (I immagine) be quite available as a substitute teacher around the county.
Downside of everything... I'm not sure if I can do all that work and keep my healthcare benifits. I'm being paid without reports from mom and Bryan. Those 2 I've got nicely and dont have to tell anyone... the other 2 will be a different story. I'm really not even sure what to make of it. I've been healthy for about 9 months now, and feeling great. But I'm also going to the hospital next week for stent changes. Just annoying how everything works that way. bleh. SO! I'm gonna have a talk with some people on the inside very very soon... being my mom. hah. Nice to have people you can talk to for this sorta thing who can actually help!
So anyways... other than that, the only thing thats worth much of mentioning is that, yes, Brittany and I are still together. sorta... if you can call it that... ><><)
She is my soulmate and best friend and I love her.
IF it was ment to be... September is going to be the best month of my life. If not... at least I'll know that I can move on and try to be confusing and conflicting with someone else... haha.
So time will tell.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Burning at the stake, or castration?
/begins rant -_-
Slow agonizing death? Or just chop off their reproductive organs? What is the solutions for stupid people? I would dare to say it is one of these 2 options... I honestly don't care which it is, just THE CYCLE NEEDS TO STOP HERE!!! STOP THE STUPIDITY!!! STOP THE DISEASE! NO MORE BREEDING!
I feel like I belong in Washington D.C. with a rioting group with posters or something... >.>
Its not stupidity like how a retarded child is mentally challenged. These people are just dumb because they are ignorant from themselves and the rest of the world. The mentally challenged have an excuse. These people just choose to be morons for the rest of their lives... and it makes me sick. It is rotting what good we have in this world. Cut off the rotting festering problem before it spreads. This is what you do with anything that is destroying whats good and whole and pure. Yet with idiots, they wander around spreading their infectious ways to others. The worst part about all of this is, the more infected and worse off you are... the more you want to find someone to breed with and spread your filth around. Maybe a natural phenomenon of wanting to prolong their race/species whatever you would like to call it.
What ever happened to common sense? Its no longer common losing all meaning of what it was intending to in the first place. Fame and fortune and putting others down or cheating the "system" to reach those 2 objectives have replaced anything that once may have even resembled common sense. It is the world we live in now and no one is willing to do anything about it.
We live in a nation where any ideals is accepted or at least tolerated. It is a "free" country to do as you please. Forgive me for somehow thinking that his form of "free" is more like organized anarchy than anything else and the worst possible structure you could hope to live in because anarchy is still anarchy... drives me fucking insane
/ends rant
*breaths deeply*
Explanation:
I just had to deal with an adult. 22-23 at least, probably more. He does not like me because I ask him a number of times to just change subjects on him talking to himself about foot fetishes. He yells at me and says its none of my fucking business what he says and continues to feel arrogant and proud enough to think he has some mission to let everyone know 10 times over that he loves feet.
I ran into this guy in FFXI. He decides to slap me. I'm a proud guy myself sometimes too... I hate it when I am.
But I dont want people to feel comfortable making me their doormat, walking over me as they please.
I laugh at him saying his big mouth got himself in trouble enough to get kicked, and glad to see it happen to him as well. This guy isnt going to let that stand. He says "Your momma kicked me foo"
/facepalm
He then continues asking for me to talk to him on xbox. He really really really really REALLY needs to tell me something. I dont need someone to harass me whenever they feel like it even if I had an xbox. He then asks for my cell number so I can talk to him. He REALLY needs to say something. Again.. I tell him, No thanks. Said he just wanted to hear me cause I talk like a faggot, that I'm a homo, that I sound like a hot girl.
This goes on for a while. Insults back and forth... and if you didn't already know... I'm awful at being quick witted and throwing insults at others. I don't do it often, and I don't make it a habit.
This guy is just bad tho. Just keeps saying: "Your momma is my girlfriend." then when I say hes pretty pathetic and not worth the effort, he moves to "Your sister is my girlfriend." and does not stop with your mom, your sister, your mom, your mom... I let loose on him and he shut up. Probably /blisted me... but don't care really. He wants to try to insult me like a 2nd grader, he can pull all the your momma jokes or I'm rubber, you are glue or sticks and stones he can muster. Isn't going to bother me only for the lost time and lost brain cells it took to talk to him.
Stupid people really really annoy me to high hell.
-_-
Slow agonizing death? Or just chop off their reproductive organs? What is the solutions for stupid people? I would dare to say it is one of these 2 options... I honestly don't care which it is, just THE CYCLE NEEDS TO STOP HERE!!! STOP THE STUPIDITY!!! STOP THE DISEASE! NO MORE BREEDING!
I feel like I belong in Washington D.C. with a rioting group with posters or something... >.>
Its not stupidity like how a retarded child is mentally challenged. These people are just dumb because they are ignorant from themselves and the rest of the world. The mentally challenged have an excuse. These people just choose to be morons for the rest of their lives... and it makes me sick. It is rotting what good we have in this world. Cut off the rotting festering problem before it spreads. This is what you do with anything that is destroying whats good and whole and pure. Yet with idiots, they wander around spreading their infectious ways to others. The worst part about all of this is, the more infected and worse off you are... the more you want to find someone to breed with and spread your filth around. Maybe a natural phenomenon of wanting to prolong their race/species whatever you would like to call it.
What ever happened to common sense? Its no longer common losing all meaning of what it was intending to in the first place. Fame and fortune and putting others down or cheating the "system" to reach those 2 objectives have replaced anything that once may have even resembled common sense. It is the world we live in now and no one is willing to do anything about it.
We live in a nation where any ideals is accepted or at least tolerated. It is a "free" country to do as you please. Forgive me for somehow thinking that his form of "free" is more like organized anarchy than anything else and the worst possible structure you could hope to live in because anarchy is still anarchy... drives me fucking insane
/ends rant
*breaths deeply*
Explanation:
I just had to deal with an adult. 22-23 at least, probably more. He does not like me because I ask him a number of times to just change subjects on him talking to himself about foot fetishes. He yells at me and says its none of my fucking business what he says and continues to feel arrogant and proud enough to think he has some mission to let everyone know 10 times over that he loves feet.
I ran into this guy in FFXI. He decides to slap me. I'm a proud guy myself sometimes too... I hate it when I am.
But I dont want people to feel comfortable making me their doormat, walking over me as they please.
I laugh at him saying his big mouth got himself in trouble enough to get kicked, and glad to see it happen to him as well. This guy isnt going to let that stand. He says "Your momma kicked me foo"
/facepalm
He then continues asking for me to talk to him on xbox. He really really really really REALLY needs to tell me something. I dont need someone to harass me whenever they feel like it even if I had an xbox. He then asks for my cell number so I can talk to him. He REALLY needs to say something. Again.. I tell him, No thanks. Said he just wanted to hear me cause I talk like a faggot, that I'm a homo, that I sound like a hot girl.
This goes on for a while. Insults back and forth... and if you didn't already know... I'm awful at being quick witted and throwing insults at others. I don't do it often, and I don't make it a habit.
This guy is just bad tho. Just keeps saying: "Your momma is my girlfriend." then when I say hes pretty pathetic and not worth the effort, he moves to "Your sister is my girlfriend." and does not stop with your mom, your sister, your mom, your mom... I let loose on him and he shut up. Probably /blisted me... but don't care really. He wants to try to insult me like a 2nd grader, he can pull all the your momma jokes or I'm rubber, you are glue or sticks and stones he can muster. Isn't going to bother me only for the lost time and lost brain cells it took to talk to him.
Stupid people really really annoy me to high hell.
-_-
Saturday, May 16, 2009
I'm on Youtube!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/SquireMuldune3rd
Yeah... so nothing really has been going on. Been tyring new things and picking up new hobbies and this youtube thingie is one.
What I've been doing on youtube is something called "Lets Play" or LPs for short. Basicly, you play a game and add your own comentary beind it as you play. Pretty simple. I like the sound of my own voice and get a kick outta some things I say/do and get myself to laugh so this is almost theraputic for what I've been going through last month.
lol I guess I haven't posted or say anything lately because nothing bad has happened and thats usually when I want to write something. Still dating Feiht and very happy with her. Still haven't made the appointments I need to with the doctors I should go see. I'm pretty much being a slacker and happy in my own little slacker world I supose ^^
Being a real life slacker has its benifits though. I have a 75 PLD in XI now!!! And I've been trying to get into tanking/sub tanking in Dynamis which is quite the challenge. I love PLD just for that reason alone. It really is challenging. Sort of like being a leader even of your party. Everyone relys on a good tank. If you have a bad tank, your party can go to crap in a hurry. I guess I sorta like being in the spotlight. My little pride I have grows with each time I do well as PLD too... its pretty addicting. Still does not compare in terms of loving a job as my MNK does. Me and MNK go together like peanutbutter and bananas! (if you dont believe me... try it... cause your missing out!! lol)
Next on my list of things to level... is actually Merits/Guard skill ups. Then I'm not quite sure if I've decided yet or not... Either BLU, DRG, or THF. And sorta leaning towards DRG atm, just cause it looks to be amazing. It already is at 40.
But yeah. Life is pretty good right now and I'm generally stress free ^^
So hope everyone is doing well and till next time.
Yeah... so nothing really has been going on. Been tyring new things and picking up new hobbies and this youtube thingie is one.
What I've been doing on youtube is something called "Lets Play" or LPs for short. Basicly, you play a game and add your own comentary beind it as you play. Pretty simple. I like the sound of my own voice and get a kick outta some things I say/do and get myself to laugh so this is almost theraputic for what I've been going through last month.
lol I guess I haven't posted or say anything lately because nothing bad has happened and thats usually when I want to write something. Still dating Feiht and very happy with her. Still haven't made the appointments I need to with the doctors I should go see. I'm pretty much being a slacker and happy in my own little slacker world I supose ^^
Being a real life slacker has its benifits though. I have a 75 PLD in XI now!!! And I've been trying to get into tanking/sub tanking in Dynamis which is quite the challenge. I love PLD just for that reason alone. It really is challenging. Sort of like being a leader even of your party. Everyone relys on a good tank. If you have a bad tank, your party can go to crap in a hurry. I guess I sorta like being in the spotlight. My little pride I have grows with each time I do well as PLD too... its pretty addicting. Still does not compare in terms of loving a job as my MNK does. Me and MNK go together like peanutbutter and bananas! (if you dont believe me... try it... cause your missing out!! lol)
Next on my list of things to level... is actually Merits/Guard skill ups. Then I'm not quite sure if I've decided yet or not... Either BLU, DRG, or THF. And sorta leaning towards DRG atm, just cause it looks to be amazing. It already is at 40.
But yeah. Life is pretty good right now and I'm generally stress free ^^
So hope everyone is doing well and till next time.
Monday, April 27, 2009
I really hate to do this... -_-
But! Yeah... nother post of me ranting on about my soap opera for a life... sorta.
Dont worry though!! Its gonna stop very soon... I hope...
So. Sure enough... the day after I get the text from Amber to not talk to Sean anymore cause it makes her mad... she gets the idea... that its idea... that its ok for him to talk to me... if its a message from her...
o.o wha....
wait... O.o??
No... She... O.O!!! *bashes face in, in confusion*
The day after shes a bitch to me... Sean sends me a /tell. "Amber says hi. shes sitting right next to me"
I throw my hands in the air in surrender... though, I tell him...
- Yeah. Amber gets pissed when we talk... so she says we shouldn't talk. I'd actually agree with her. In fact. I'd say it should go for the both of you.
Thats it. He doesn't say a word. I'm honestly quite surprised he doesn't try to start something... or get in the final word even. I go about my merry way.
Almost to 73 on Pld!!! HUZAH!!! This 75 only took me 4 months... compared to the 2 years oon Mnk... I'd say I'm doing pretty good on that one. Nothing special happens in game... things are going good with me and Feiht... found a new happy linkshell thats not full of arrogance and assholes alike... just... people I can get along with and be myself and they accept me for being me. It works.
I did try to call my old friend Jarod from Idaho years. Was short lived and couldn't say much... but hes doing well.
And then... The stupid stupid girl is back... and I dont wanna talk. Its as simple as that. I care not to talk.
So the following conversation happened. A- is for Amber... aka whore... and Me is for... well... me.
A- Hey how you doing?
Me-not so great at the moment... and I thought about what you said about not talking to sean... I think your right only I need to stop talking to the both of you
A- ... why me? What did I do? I left him and me and him are done for good... and he supposedly is in a coma... I thought we were friends...
Me-cause I feel like I'm being pulled in more and more drama talking to you. Last time you said I shouldnt talk to sean. You said you wanted your baby to have a father. now you say he is gone and in some coma and like you dont even care. Its crap like that that I dont get. its the fact that I cant trust much of anything you say... I'm sorry but I dont think you really understand what you've done to me
A- Ya, well he changed my mind on that really fast after he insulted you...
A- How can I understand what I did to you when you wont tell me and how can I make up for it when you wont give me the chance to be your friend.
Me-I've told you. How I cant come be with you. How sean walks right in after I'm gone and not only spends 3 weeks with you. but he moves in. After the shit he pulled... After you said we shouldnt talk to him anymore when we were dating... how when he was there... you told me you werent having sex, nor did you want to. and you end up pregnant... what am I gonna believe? what should I believe? What of anything can I at this point?
A- You wanna know why I did what I did and let him waltz in like that? Cause you hurt me and I wanted to hurt you back.
Me-Oh god... I'm sorry I hurt you. but things werent working between us. Things that idk who lied about... you or your parents... but it was the final straw. Did you expect our relationship to go anywhere when you cant call? I could never reach you when I needed you... and then I couldnt see you anymore? How?
A- I dont know... I just wish this all never happened but I'll deal with it now as an adult and do the best I can at raising a baby on my own cause I'm done with sean and I'll be the best mom I can be but I dont know if I will be any good at it but I'll learn as I go.
Me-I'm sorry things turned out like this... and I wish things could be different... but I cant change the past. Neither can you... but I'm tired of drama and feeling like you want to use me and hurt me more in some sick twisted game. You say you want to be friends... but friends dont do that to each other. I'm sorry
A- You wont get anymore drama. I swear it. I cant lose you... I just cant
Me-Give me one good reason why I should. Honestly. What do I gain from any of this? Other than more heartache and bitter feelings for you and your family. thats all you've ever given me these last 4 months. Thats it... and to make me feel worse than I already am?? Thats lovely. You've done a good job then. You got exactly what you've been wanting from me... and idk what to do or think.
A- What did I want from you? at first I just wanted your love. Then that went away now I'm just asking for friendship and wanting somebody I can talk to who will be here for me and when I'm having troubles to give me faith. You have always been that person.
Me-I have been... and I get burned by it every time I do it again. And I dont know if I want that again.
A- I promise I'll do anything. Please I'm begging you to forgive me and be my friend.
Me-Ok. I'm not promising you anything, but I need time to think about it.
A- ok. thank you.
Now... I was very honest with her... I said I would think about it. Partially to get her off my back to breath a little... but to honestly give it thought to what is best for me. Still thinking... but just so people know the score... I have yet to come up with any reason... period... to still talk to her. I feel like every time I talk to her... I lose a bit of my sanity and I wanna just pull my hair out... its just that crazy. I've thought some really horrible things as well... that I've yet to decide if I want to share with anyone who cares to read this or the other posts I've made... but just know... they make me sick to realize I've come up with some of these things just to make her suffer... That I feel she needs to suffer period for the time we were together... to the time after... to talking to my worst enemy... dating him... then having a baby with him... I want her to suffer greatly. But I'm not going to act on my emotions. That isn't who I am... and I will not play to her level.
I am tired of feeling like just to go to guy when things go wrong... that all she asked for was her! her! her! None of it was... I want to be friends because we can rely on each other... I feel we can trust each other... I feel like we have a connection. It was all her. And its spreading into my current relationship... where I see something Feiht would say... and it just barely reminds me of Amber... and I pounce on every bad thing that could ever happen and end up hurting my girl... and its driving me crazy. I dont need this anymore. I've got enough stress as it is... and I dont need someone whos only willing to pile it on. Call me what you will... if its selfish or cruel... so be it... I'm a heartless bastard. I've come to terms with it. But I do it knowing I've given that girl every single chance she could ever take... and have it thrown right back at me... and I cannot stand for it... not now... not ever.
I'm tired of talking about her... and I think I'm gonna watch a movie or crash or do something else to get my mind off things while I wait for this maintenence to finish up.
Till next time.
Dont worry though!! Its gonna stop very soon... I hope...
So. Sure enough... the day after I get the text from Amber to not talk to Sean anymore cause it makes her mad... she gets the idea... that its idea... that its ok for him to talk to me... if its a message from her...
o.o wha....
wait... O.o??
No... She... O.O!!! *bashes face in, in confusion*
The day after shes a bitch to me... Sean sends me a /tell. "Amber says hi. shes sitting right next to me"
I throw my hands in the air in surrender... though, I tell him...
- Yeah. Amber gets pissed when we talk... so she says we shouldn't talk. I'd actually agree with her. In fact. I'd say it should go for the both of you.
Thats it. He doesn't say a word. I'm honestly quite surprised he doesn't try to start something... or get in the final word even. I go about my merry way.
Almost to 73 on Pld!!! HUZAH!!! This 75 only took me 4 months... compared to the 2 years oon Mnk... I'd say I'm doing pretty good on that one. Nothing special happens in game... things are going good with me and Feiht... found a new happy linkshell thats not full of arrogance and assholes alike... just... people I can get along with and be myself and they accept me for being me. It works.
I did try to call my old friend Jarod from Idaho years. Was short lived and couldn't say much... but hes doing well.
And then... The stupid stupid girl is back... and I dont wanna talk. Its as simple as that. I care not to talk.
So the following conversation happened. A- is for Amber... aka whore... and Me is for... well... me.
A- Hey how you doing?
Me-not so great at the moment... and I thought about what you said about not talking to sean... I think your right only I need to stop talking to the both of you
A- ... why me? What did I do? I left him and me and him are done for good... and he supposedly is in a coma... I thought we were friends...
Me-cause I feel like I'm being pulled in more and more drama talking to you. Last time you said I shouldnt talk to sean. You said you wanted your baby to have a father. now you say he is gone and in some coma and like you dont even care. Its crap like that that I dont get. its the fact that I cant trust much of anything you say... I'm sorry but I dont think you really understand what you've done to me
A- Ya, well he changed my mind on that really fast after he insulted you...
A- How can I understand what I did to you when you wont tell me and how can I make up for it when you wont give me the chance to be your friend.
Me-I've told you. How I cant come be with you. How sean walks right in after I'm gone and not only spends 3 weeks with you. but he moves in. After the shit he pulled... After you said we shouldnt talk to him anymore when we were dating... how when he was there... you told me you werent having sex, nor did you want to. and you end up pregnant... what am I gonna believe? what should I believe? What of anything can I at this point?
A- You wanna know why I did what I did and let him waltz in like that? Cause you hurt me and I wanted to hurt you back.
Me-Oh god... I'm sorry I hurt you. but things werent working between us. Things that idk who lied about... you or your parents... but it was the final straw. Did you expect our relationship to go anywhere when you cant call? I could never reach you when I needed you... and then I couldnt see you anymore? How?
A- I dont know... I just wish this all never happened but I'll deal with it now as an adult and do the best I can at raising a baby on my own cause I'm done with sean and I'll be the best mom I can be but I dont know if I will be any good at it but I'll learn as I go.
Me-I'm sorry things turned out like this... and I wish things could be different... but I cant change the past. Neither can you... but I'm tired of drama and feeling like you want to use me and hurt me more in some sick twisted game. You say you want to be friends... but friends dont do that to each other. I'm sorry
A- You wont get anymore drama. I swear it. I cant lose you... I just cant
Me-Give me one good reason why I should. Honestly. What do I gain from any of this? Other than more heartache and bitter feelings for you and your family. thats all you've ever given me these last 4 months. Thats it... and to make me feel worse than I already am?? Thats lovely. You've done a good job then. You got exactly what you've been wanting from me... and idk what to do or think.
A- What did I want from you? at first I just wanted your love. Then that went away now I'm just asking for friendship and wanting somebody I can talk to who will be here for me and when I'm having troubles to give me faith. You have always been that person.
Me-I have been... and I get burned by it every time I do it again. And I dont know if I want that again.
A- I promise I'll do anything. Please I'm begging you to forgive me and be my friend.
Me-Ok. I'm not promising you anything, but I need time to think about it.
A- ok. thank you.
Now... I was very honest with her... I said I would think about it. Partially to get her off my back to breath a little... but to honestly give it thought to what is best for me. Still thinking... but just so people know the score... I have yet to come up with any reason... period... to still talk to her. I feel like every time I talk to her... I lose a bit of my sanity and I wanna just pull my hair out... its just that crazy. I've thought some really horrible things as well... that I've yet to decide if I want to share with anyone who cares to read this or the other posts I've made... but just know... they make me sick to realize I've come up with some of these things just to make her suffer... That I feel she needs to suffer period for the time we were together... to the time after... to talking to my worst enemy... dating him... then having a baby with him... I want her to suffer greatly. But I'm not going to act on my emotions. That isn't who I am... and I will not play to her level.
I am tired of feeling like just to go to guy when things go wrong... that all she asked for was her! her! her! None of it was... I want to be friends because we can rely on each other... I feel we can trust each other... I feel like we have a connection. It was all her. And its spreading into my current relationship... where I see something Feiht would say... and it just barely reminds me of Amber... and I pounce on every bad thing that could ever happen and end up hurting my girl... and its driving me crazy. I dont need this anymore. I've got enough stress as it is... and I dont need someone whos only willing to pile it on. Call me what you will... if its selfish or cruel... so be it... I'm a heartless bastard. I've come to terms with it. But I do it knowing I've given that girl every single chance she could ever take... and have it thrown right back at me... and I cannot stand for it... not now... not ever.
I'm tired of talking about her... and I think I'm gonna watch a movie or crash or do something else to get my mind off things while I wait for this maintenence to finish up.
Till next time.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
... just... why?
I've not been well lately. Been violently ill. Have had to work around the house even though I feel like crap. I've had nothing to do or no one to talk to... and I'm really getting tired of everything.
My plans for today have all gone to crap.
I work my ass of instead inside a thankless house.
And to top everything off... My ex wants to talk to me so she texts me. I'm being lied to again... and I can't take any of it... and I swear to god if she tries to say one more thing to me and tell me what I can see as an obvious lie... I'm done with being any bit nice to her. She didn't deserve me being nice to her then... She sure as hell has none of my respect now... and she only wants to make things worse.
She wanted to just say hi. I said to her that I was told she thought I was dieing in the hospital.
"ya, you and Sean just shouldn't talk cause it makes me mad and want to hurt you both."
I say. "ok. Dont be a bitch to me. Not in the mood cause he wanted to be buddy buddy with me. I told him to fuck off. You put yourself in that position. You date him after what he pulled. You want to be friends with me. You fucked him when you said you werent interested in anyone sexually and now your pregnant. You've put yourself in these situations so do not get mad and bitchy with me cause of what you've done. I didnt ask for any of it. You shouldn't be mad at anyone cause if you dont like sean, like you say... then he should be long gone from you and your home. You shouldn't care period."
Amber- "I know. I'm just saying I dont like people talking badly about me behind my back... I wanna at least be his friend for god sakes. We're having a kid together"
I asked why is he so excited he gets to have a kid and bragging to everyone about that?
"He is. I'm not going to deny him our child or my friendship. I'm a bigger person than that"
And after said she has to go. outta the blue.
AM I THE ONLY ONE NOT SEEING HOW MESSED UP ANY OF THAT IS!?!?
Am I crazy?
Honestly... I want to know someone's opinion on this.... cause I almost feel like I've missed something and she actually might be making some valid point... oi... I'm getting a headache from all of this... and ready to pull my hair outta my skull...
And the night isn't going to get any better I'm sure. Feiht is no where to be found when I need to talk to her... I really hope things can get fixed quickly on her side... cause I'm a stupid greedalox who is always asking for someones company... Its always hers first choice cause I care about spending time with her the most... And I can't do anything to get my greedalox ways to spend time with her...
ugh... I'm gonna go... making myself upset.
My plans for today have all gone to crap.
I work my ass of instead inside a thankless house.
And to top everything off... My ex wants to talk to me so she texts me. I'm being lied to again... and I can't take any of it... and I swear to god if she tries to say one more thing to me and tell me what I can see as an obvious lie... I'm done with being any bit nice to her. She didn't deserve me being nice to her then... She sure as hell has none of my respect now... and she only wants to make things worse.
She wanted to just say hi. I said to her that I was told she thought I was dieing in the hospital.
"ya, you and Sean just shouldn't talk cause it makes me mad and want to hurt you both."
I say. "ok. Dont be a bitch to me. Not in the mood cause he wanted to be buddy buddy with me. I told him to fuck off. You put yourself in that position. You date him after what he pulled. You want to be friends with me. You fucked him when you said you werent interested in anyone sexually and now your pregnant. You've put yourself in these situations so do not get mad and bitchy with me cause of what you've done. I didnt ask for any of it. You shouldn't be mad at anyone cause if you dont like sean, like you say... then he should be long gone from you and your home. You shouldn't care period."
Amber- "I know. I'm just saying I dont like people talking badly about me behind my back... I wanna at least be his friend for god sakes. We're having a kid together"
I asked why is he so excited he gets to have a kid and bragging to everyone about that?
"He is. I'm not going to deny him our child or my friendship. I'm a bigger person than that"
And after said she has to go. outta the blue.
AM I THE ONLY ONE NOT SEEING HOW MESSED UP ANY OF THAT IS!?!?
Am I crazy?
Honestly... I want to know someone's opinion on this.... cause I almost feel like I've missed something and she actually might be making some valid point... oi... I'm getting a headache from all of this... and ready to pull my hair outta my skull...
And the night isn't going to get any better I'm sure. Feiht is no where to be found when I need to talk to her... I really hope things can get fixed quickly on her side... cause I'm a stupid greedalox who is always asking for someones company... Its always hers first choice cause I care about spending time with her the most... And I can't do anything to get my greedalox ways to spend time with her...
ugh... I'm gonna go... making myself upset.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Hulk Smash!!! (?)
So... Here I am just pounding away at a brick wall... You gotta love campaign. Who thought that was a good idea anyways? Regardless... here I am being on a wall... only to get little to no exp back... BUT if it helps me get the area back... I'll do it
Yesterday was interesting tho.
Talked my my favoritest person in the world!! And... really its best if you see it for yourself cause its still hard for me to believe. and for note... The >> to start is me talking. The >> to end is him.
So yeah... I've got mixed feelings on that whole thing. Happy that I got to give him a taste of his own medicine... SO so happy... omg its justice if you ask me. Tho... In no way did I ever want to talk to him... did I ever want to talk to him... ugh...
But yeah, that was the start of my day almost. I was tired and slept waaaaay in. And not more than an hour later... he wants to be all buddy buddy with me... I don't get him at all... I'm just glad I don't have to put up with him.
Later I have to deal with drs and my weekly hopsital infusion for meds. First the I.V. stung like a bitch this time... dunno why... but wow.... I wasn't a happy camper. Stayed in the little waiting area for 3 and a half hours waiting for them to get me the meds I need... And guess what!? My kidney isnt doing so hot... The blood said so. Creatin (sp?) levels were high and means the kidneys aren't filtering everything through so great. Got up and out asap...
Blood and Chennery said they were getting people through Zilart missions and wanted to invite me. Didnt give me a time... but they wanted me. I had to wait for them. Waited till... 10 or 11 that night... and found out they went ahead of me... and I didnt get any notice. I was pissed... but I caught up to them with something I needed. No one appologized. No one waited or told me what part of the zone they were at in Ifrit's Cauldren... So I wandered around for 15 min before finding them... Just was not happy about things. But I did finish up ZM5.
I dont know if I'll continue on doing ZM6+ with them because I'd like to do those missions with relyable people and better friends. My new linkshell has said they would love to help me with them... because they are on ZM4 currently... haha... But they are good people and I would much rather help them catch up to me than continue ahead with people I can hardly stand at the moment.
Nothing really that exciting has happened worth mentioning though... and I'm honestly trying to thing of something to add or say... but nothing comes to mind now.
So I guess... untill next time I have something to say...
till next time...
Yesterday was interesting tho.
Talked my my favoritest person in the world!! And... really its best if you see it for yourself cause its still hard for me to believe. and for note... The >> to start is me talking. The >> to end is him.
So yeah... I've got mixed feelings on that whole thing. Happy that I got to give him a taste of his own medicine... SO so happy... omg its justice if you ask me. Tho... In no way did I ever want to talk to him... did I ever want to talk to him... ugh...
But yeah, that was the start of my day almost. I was tired and slept waaaaay in. And not more than an hour later... he wants to be all buddy buddy with me... I don't get him at all... I'm just glad I don't have to put up with him.
Later I have to deal with drs and my weekly hopsital infusion for meds. First the I.V. stung like a bitch this time... dunno why... but wow.... I wasn't a happy camper. Stayed in the little waiting area for 3 and a half hours waiting for them to get me the meds I need... And guess what!? My kidney isnt doing so hot... The blood said so. Creatin (sp?) levels were high and means the kidneys aren't filtering everything through so great. Got up and out asap...
Blood and Chennery said they were getting people through Zilart missions and wanted to invite me. Didnt give me a time... but they wanted me. I had to wait for them. Waited till... 10 or 11 that night... and found out they went ahead of me... and I didnt get any notice. I was pissed... but I caught up to them with something I needed. No one appologized. No one waited or told me what part of the zone they were at in Ifrit's Cauldren... So I wandered around for 15 min before finding them... Just was not happy about things. But I did finish up ZM5.
I dont know if I'll continue on doing ZM6+ with them because I'd like to do those missions with relyable people and better friends. My new linkshell has said they would love to help me with them... because they are on ZM4 currently... haha... But they are good people and I would much rather help them catch up to me than continue ahead with people I can hardly stand at the moment.
Nothing really that exciting has happened worth mentioning though... and I'm honestly trying to thing of something to add or say... but nothing comes to mind now.
So I guess... untill next time I have something to say...
till next time...
Sunday, April 19, 2009
No sleep still ><
Thats right!! I'm going on... 2-3 hours of sleep from the previous day? Sounds about right. And the day of course wasn't very kind to me.
I've been watching alot of anime in the morning... catching up on tv shows... rereading some of my old books... Just trying to spend as much time as i can away from thinking too much. Thinking is bad for Squire... very bad. My imagination gets carried away and I start thinking crazy thoughts. ANYWAYS! >.>
Did random crap thru the morning. Maybe fell asleep for a short while to be pestered by someone or something... which happened around noon.
I wake up... and not on the Forsaken linkshell for more than 5 min... when I see Arison get on. Arison is Guiltydeath's kid. Sean. The one person I hate more than anything in the world. I am ready to type in "Congrats on having a new grandkid in the family" But... I waited too long... and probably a good thing I did. He claimed he was Guiltydeath. The person previously banned from the shell... the person who made my life a living hell... and somehow STILL continues to do so. For some reason... he isn't kicked out... he isnt told to get out... but he actually is welcomed back. People say they miss him. Chennery said "Hi hun, welcome back"
o.o
Its all I could do. How did he get so much love? I will never know... Made me sick. But didn't end there.
He had an announcement to make to tell everyone. "I am gonna be a Daddy!!!" He got even more love and affection and congrats!! all around... why? I dont even know. All I did was send a /tell to Blooddancer saying... wtf? And that I wanted to bitch him out but I wasn't going to start drama... start problems... god I wanted to... I had to tell Blood about 3-4 times that I wasn't gonna do anything... just to remind myself. I'm just glad he was gone later... but still felt sick... so I'm quitting that linkshell for a while... knowing he is still welcome in there... I can't help it... I feel a little betrayed by it... but... life moves on.
Eventually my mom calls me from the house phone to my cell... I'm downstairs. In her home.
*shrugs*
She wants me to first, take care of some divits she made in the front yard by digging up weeds. Then I'm free to do whatever again in my room. Ate some food... and then was called up by mom again (on my cell phone... again...) to come upstairs to clean up some more. Only, I was to mow the grass because my brother apparently stopped by to do that. Worked for a while... came back in pretty tired cause I'm really not used to physical labor... and mom asks if i was hungry and had an idea for dinner. Food is always good. I suguested subway. Sounded good for my tummy. But... she didnt like the idea of getting a bad soggy sub (maybe). So with that shot down, she said 5 Guys burgers. I figured, what the heck. What harm could that do?
I ordered a baccon cheeseburger... normal topings. Took my first bite into the sandwhich... and I litterally felt ill. I dont get my stomach at some times... but I knew I needed to eat. I was hungry. I hadn't had but... 2 small burrito's for lunch. that was all the food I've had today. And I couldn't stomach the stupid burger. So instead I ate fries that went down better than a burger, but still got hard to swollow, some soda and some peanuts. I actually ate about half the sandwhich... but I felt so gross after that last bite, I felt if I had anything... I'd lose what I'd just accomplished in eating.
Then I was home again. Got back to my pc, and Feiht had just sent a /tell 5 min before. Just my luck! Right? no... not quite. She wasn't feeling well... she wasn't talking much... said I wasn't talking much and being distracted... and... just wasn't such a great evening. Gets worse when she says she has to go with her mom to work at the hospital. -_- Shes then gone. Again. I really am not sure what to think... I feel like I need to give her some space and some time to do things for herself... but I haven't been able to spend any time with her for the last... week... week and a half. Maybe... MAYBE if I'm lucky, I'll talk to her for an hour or 2 before something goes amiss... or she has to go... or her internet breaks... I feel like its me she wants to get away from.
But today... she said that she feels bad that she hasn't been able to spend much time with me, that she feels its her fault cause of it. I didn't feel like I provoked this answer out of her... So... I'm really confused and feeling like I'm the asshole again making assumptions and jumping to wrong conclusions... that really this last week and a half has been so god awful that she can't really talk...
I'm still not sure what to think.
But we did spend some time tonight together. maybe... an hour. We partied with a new linkshell I got the night before. Good group of people. We just did Fields of Valor pages in Cape Tarrigon (sp?) not sure how I felt about it... cause at the end I ended up saving the afk Feiht again... as she agroed 3 different mobs that were even matches to me... and I ran them off... got killed... she survived... and I made little to no exp after the death... cause i had to Home Point... -_-;; I'm not one to care about experience usually... but I guess I felt it could have been avoided. She just stood there for 5 min as I fended off the mobs after she just got back from a dissconnect. No red dot over her head... just stood there. So... I was a little flustered after she gets back and says she needs to go. She tried to raise me. But just got her killed, and thats what I was trying to prevent in the first place. So rather her waste more exp... I HPed and we parted ways.
That was about 2 am.
Not sleeping sucks... and I'm ranting on about nothing important so.... gonna stop there.
To a lovely new day! (hopefully)
Till then.
I've been watching alot of anime in the morning... catching up on tv shows... rereading some of my old books... Just trying to spend as much time as i can away from thinking too much. Thinking is bad for Squire... very bad. My imagination gets carried away and I start thinking crazy thoughts. ANYWAYS! >.>
Did random crap thru the morning. Maybe fell asleep for a short while to be pestered by someone or something... which happened around noon.
I wake up... and not on the Forsaken linkshell for more than 5 min... when I see Arison get on. Arison is Guiltydeath's kid. Sean. The one person I hate more than anything in the world. I am ready to type in "Congrats on having a new grandkid in the family" But... I waited too long... and probably a good thing I did. He claimed he was Guiltydeath. The person previously banned from the shell... the person who made my life a living hell... and somehow STILL continues to do so. For some reason... he isn't kicked out... he isnt told to get out... but he actually is welcomed back. People say they miss him. Chennery said "Hi hun, welcome back"
o.o
Its all I could do. How did he get so much love? I will never know... Made me sick. But didn't end there.
He had an announcement to make to tell everyone. "I am gonna be a Daddy!!!" He got even more love and affection and congrats!! all around... why? I dont even know. All I did was send a /tell to Blooddancer saying... wtf? And that I wanted to bitch him out but I wasn't going to start drama... start problems... god I wanted to... I had to tell Blood about 3-4 times that I wasn't gonna do anything... just to remind myself. I'm just glad he was gone later... but still felt sick... so I'm quitting that linkshell for a while... knowing he is still welcome in there... I can't help it... I feel a little betrayed by it... but... life moves on.
Eventually my mom calls me from the house phone to my cell... I'm downstairs. In her home.
*shrugs*
She wants me to first, take care of some divits she made in the front yard by digging up weeds. Then I'm free to do whatever again in my room. Ate some food... and then was called up by mom again (on my cell phone... again...) to come upstairs to clean up some more. Only, I was to mow the grass because my brother apparently stopped by to do that. Worked for a while... came back in pretty tired cause I'm really not used to physical labor... and mom asks if i was hungry and had an idea for dinner. Food is always good. I suguested subway. Sounded good for my tummy. But... she didnt like the idea of getting a bad soggy sub (maybe). So with that shot down, she said 5 Guys burgers. I figured, what the heck. What harm could that do?
I ordered a baccon cheeseburger... normal topings. Took my first bite into the sandwhich... and I litterally felt ill. I dont get my stomach at some times... but I knew I needed to eat. I was hungry. I hadn't had but... 2 small burrito's for lunch. that was all the food I've had today. And I couldn't stomach the stupid burger. So instead I ate fries that went down better than a burger, but still got hard to swollow, some soda and some peanuts. I actually ate about half the sandwhich... but I felt so gross after that last bite, I felt if I had anything... I'd lose what I'd just accomplished in eating.
Then I was home again. Got back to my pc, and Feiht had just sent a /tell 5 min before. Just my luck! Right? no... not quite. She wasn't feeling well... she wasn't talking much... said I wasn't talking much and being distracted... and... just wasn't such a great evening. Gets worse when she says she has to go with her mom to work at the hospital. -_- Shes then gone. Again. I really am not sure what to think... I feel like I need to give her some space and some time to do things for herself... but I haven't been able to spend any time with her for the last... week... week and a half. Maybe... MAYBE if I'm lucky, I'll talk to her for an hour or 2 before something goes amiss... or she has to go... or her internet breaks... I feel like its me she wants to get away from.
But today... she said that she feels bad that she hasn't been able to spend much time with me, that she feels its her fault cause of it. I didn't feel like I provoked this answer out of her... So... I'm really confused and feeling like I'm the asshole again making assumptions and jumping to wrong conclusions... that really this last week and a half has been so god awful that she can't really talk...
I'm still not sure what to think.
But we did spend some time tonight together. maybe... an hour. We partied with a new linkshell I got the night before. Good group of people. We just did Fields of Valor pages in Cape Tarrigon (sp?) not sure how I felt about it... cause at the end I ended up saving the afk Feiht again... as she agroed 3 different mobs that were even matches to me... and I ran them off... got killed... she survived... and I made little to no exp after the death... cause i had to Home Point... -_-;; I'm not one to care about experience usually... but I guess I felt it could have been avoided. She just stood there for 5 min as I fended off the mobs after she just got back from a dissconnect. No red dot over her head... just stood there. So... I was a little flustered after she gets back and says she needs to go. She tried to raise me. But just got her killed, and thats what I was trying to prevent in the first place. So rather her waste more exp... I HPed and we parted ways.
That was about 2 am.
Not sleeping sucks... and I'm ranting on about nothing important so.... gonna stop there.
To a lovely new day! (hopefully)
Till then.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
What is with the worlds timing!?
Life must really hate me... I swear.
Soooooooooooo Everyone's favorite asshole Guiltydeath showed up... on the linkshell... he had an announcement. "I'm gonna be a daddy!!" -_- give me a fucking break. You had sex with a slut who just gives it out and that tells me she hates you and your not gonna be any part of that kids life. Somehow... either I've been lied to again... or he really is that dense. I'm not really sure... not sure why I care. Maybe cause I feel like Amber has been lieing to me more... trying to use me more... and I've been shaking since this started... just that mad and upset...
Think what annoys me more... is that everyone on the linkshell... they say welcome back Guilty! Congrats on having a kid!! I just bit my tongue... I'm trying to be a good person... trying to not add to the drama... of course I have to be the fucking good guy again.... ugh...
Hurray for feeling sick!!
Soooooooooooo Everyone's favorite asshole Guiltydeath showed up... on the linkshell... he had an announcement. "I'm gonna be a daddy!!" -_- give me a fucking break. You had sex with a slut who just gives it out and that tells me she hates you and your not gonna be any part of that kids life. Somehow... either I've been lied to again... or he really is that dense. I'm not really sure... not sure why I care. Maybe cause I feel like Amber has been lieing to me more... trying to use me more... and I've been shaking since this started... just that mad and upset...
Think what annoys me more... is that everyone on the linkshell... they say welcome back Guilty! Congrats on having a kid!! I just bit my tongue... I'm trying to be a good person... trying to not add to the drama... of course I have to be the fucking good guy again.... ugh...
Hurray for feeling sick!!
Friday, April 17, 2009
Lonely Days...
So yeah... I woke up today officially at... 3:30... give or take a few minutes... And not terribly surprised when there was no attempt to talk to me from Feiht... Nor has there been... in the slightest... and... I'm really at a loss. I wanna throw my hands up in the air and just give up.
Maybe I'm expecting too much and need to back of a little and let the girl breath?
But other than being slightly disappointed... I got an email from my brother saying he might have a job for me in a town 20-25 min drive away. And rather than just think... no, no way can I work, why would I want to work?. I'm going to try for it. Gonna at least give them a resume and see what they think. If they want me, great, I'll work as long as I can before I'm thrown back in the hospital and they say I'm unreliable... If they don't, at least I won't have my family hounding me for trying to be more "adult" and "responsible" when they have no fucking clue what its like to be in my position. Love my family... but good lord they piss me off sometimes.
In the FFXI world, I found a nifty little group to do Nyzul runs with. 8:30 every thursday night. Still gonna work to get floors 1-5 done... but... yeah... was sorta laughable for the attempts done tonight. I think there were a few new people in there is all.... I probably did some same things. Still probably do. And in my boredom of waiting for certain people. Got lvl 69 today. Go pld!
Still pretty below average day. Except for this Double Fudge Brownie ice cream which is very much above average. I'd say its even exceptional! ^^ If this doesnt help me get fat... idk what will.
Maybe I'm expecting too much and need to back of a little and let the girl breath?
But other than being slightly disappointed... I got an email from my brother saying he might have a job for me in a town 20-25 min drive away. And rather than just think... no, no way can I work, why would I want to work?. I'm going to try for it. Gonna at least give them a resume and see what they think. If they want me, great, I'll work as long as I can before I'm thrown back in the hospital and they say I'm unreliable... If they don't, at least I won't have my family hounding me for trying to be more "adult" and "responsible" when they have no fucking clue what its like to be in my position. Love my family... but good lord they piss me off sometimes.
In the FFXI world, I found a nifty little group to do Nyzul runs with. 8:30 every thursday night. Still gonna work to get floors 1-5 done... but... yeah... was sorta laughable for the attempts done tonight. I think there were a few new people in there is all.... I probably did some same things. Still probably do. And in my boredom of waiting for certain people. Got lvl 69 today. Go pld!
Still pretty below average day. Except for this Double Fudge Brownie ice cream which is very much above average. I'd say its even exceptional! ^^ If this doesnt help me get fat... idk what will.
FFvsXIII
Soooooooo looking forward to this game.... omg... I wanna have it now ><
If only now I were Japanese... I could get the game sooner AND understand it!
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Live for the Future Not for the Past.
Great advice, yeah?
I don't think I could possibly come up with such a great and wise and simple answer myself!
So... I couldnt sleep. Go figure. Insomnia strikes! (the comeback) Should be a movie title.
I talk to my friend about this. Ask him "before you got married... have so big a problem with one relationship that it messed up future ones?"
...
...
...
"Nope! My wife is my 2nd gf! Its worked out for 10 years. Isn't life great?"
Thanks... glad you had such an easy time with it... told him my story... my feelings... and he said. Live for the Future...
Not that its bad advice. Its quite good actually. Its just that my mind and heart are so fucked up right now that I can't just say thats that. No more problems for me! Hurray!!!
God those answers bother me... I've got a chronic illness... doesn't just go away like a cold.
And yet... I've actually been told... so? Just get over it.
The nerve of some people sometimes... I know they mean well... but my god I'm not an idiot. I've thought of and tried "just getting over it" SO many times... and guess what!? IT DOESNT WORK THAT WAY!!!!! ><
And wow... I actually got lightheaded and dizzy from being that mad and upset just then.
I wish I had a simpler life where those answers had some possibility behind it. Something so plain and easy a child could pick it out and give the same advice. Its so obvious! Why don't you do it!
Something I've taken away from what the mormon church teaches. Adversity makes you grow.
You either live your life in innocence and sheltered... or you embrace struggle and pain and turn it to experience and learn from it. And... I really don't know which is better right now. I would trade my experience and heartache for a simple answer in a second right now... but its not right. Its not how the world works.
Whoever said "Ignorance is bliss" has it all wrong... To choose to be shallow in knowledge and experience... thats not bliss at all... but... it almost would seem like it in this situation... I'm failing to see the good points of going through this hellish experience this time... All I've learned is to not trust women who get close to my heart... thats not good... where is the positive in all this sea of negitive? Is there any? Maybe it'll bring me and Feiht closer together trying to work through all of this... maybe there isn't anything positive yet because I'm not there in life to see how much it can help? I'm grasping at nothing but lousy ideas that make me want to believe that there is something there. anything.
Gonna take a shower... Always feel a little better after a nice hot shower. Hopefully some of this will just wash away. In the very least it'll help me feel like I could sleep better.... I hope.
So until next time...
I don't think I could possibly come up with such a great and wise and simple answer myself!
So... I couldnt sleep. Go figure. Insomnia strikes! (the comeback) Should be a movie title.
I talk to my friend about this. Ask him "before you got married... have so big a problem with one relationship that it messed up future ones?"
...
...
...
"Nope! My wife is my 2nd gf! Its worked out for 10 years. Isn't life great?"
Thanks... glad you had such an easy time with it... told him my story... my feelings... and he said. Live for the Future...
Not that its bad advice. Its quite good actually. Its just that my mind and heart are so fucked up right now that I can't just say thats that. No more problems for me! Hurray!!!
God those answers bother me... I've got a chronic illness... doesn't just go away like a cold.
And yet... I've actually been told... so? Just get over it.
The nerve of some people sometimes... I know they mean well... but my god I'm not an idiot. I've thought of and tried "just getting over it" SO many times... and guess what!? IT DOESNT WORK THAT WAY!!!!! ><
And wow... I actually got lightheaded and dizzy from being that mad and upset just then.
I wish I had a simpler life where those answers had some possibility behind it. Something so plain and easy a child could pick it out and give the same advice. Its so obvious! Why don't you do it!
Something I've taken away from what the mormon church teaches. Adversity makes you grow.
You either live your life in innocence and sheltered... or you embrace struggle and pain and turn it to experience and learn from it. And... I really don't know which is better right now. I would trade my experience and heartache for a simple answer in a second right now... but its not right. Its not how the world works.
Whoever said "Ignorance is bliss" has it all wrong... To choose to be shallow in knowledge and experience... thats not bliss at all... but... it almost would seem like it in this situation... I'm failing to see the good points of going through this hellish experience this time... All I've learned is to not trust women who get close to my heart... thats not good... where is the positive in all this sea of negitive? Is there any? Maybe it'll bring me and Feiht closer together trying to work through all of this... maybe there isn't anything positive yet because I'm not there in life to see how much it can help? I'm grasping at nothing but lousy ideas that make me want to believe that there is something there. anything.
Gonna take a shower... Always feel a little better after a nice hot shower. Hopefully some of this will just wash away. In the very least it'll help me feel like I could sleep better.... I hope.
So until next time...
Before I go to bed...
Just finished a double besieged in FFXI... and had a good time doing it.... but was obviously missing something important... No Feiht to be found anywhere tonight... which bothers me in more than one way, but I'll explain that in a bit. I just wanted to say before I forgot how giddy me and Fawks are... We killed together durring besieged... and then he started to poke me... then bite me... then ran away. When I asked people in the linkshell to stop and act like I'm a 5 year old whining about a sibling getting to close or touching me... he does just the same... being the agressor. He litterally chased me around Al Zabi for 10 minutes after the Mamool's ran away. Around people... around sheds and stalls... and just how kids would do it... try to sneak up behind the other... and tippy toe to get a jump on em... AND JUMP OUT AND SURPRIZE AND ATTACK!!!!! He actually did that... I witnessed an in game pounce... and I about died laughing it was so stupid... and not to mention late... 2:30 am. So we might be a little delierious... thats ok. It was fun regardless.
In other news regarding my last post... the only thing of notable worth is... I'M GONNA BE AN UNCLE x4!!!! My brother called me up and said his girl, Ella, wanted to tell me something. Shes only 2 and a half so still putting together small sentences and phrases and mumbling and difficult to understand... but... she said " Mommy hasa baby in 'er tummy " All I can do is O.O and laugh. Erin should be due in november frame time, so another baby in the fam is fun to look forward to. I got to talk to Auerillia again and catch her up on life.... which was mostly the Amber rant... -_-
We talked alittle about that... and how it screwed me up pretty bad lately... Specially with Feiht. I feel awful too about it. I love her with all my heart and I feel like I can trust her... but I'm always questioning her... I'm always asking her easy alternitives to solutions I'm looking for... like she hasn't already thought of them... and... it just makes me look like a giant dick and a hypocrite... I cant stand myself really for it...
I can't trust myself enough to let down my guard. Its not always up... but it is always in hand and ready to be brought up in a moments notice.
I just feel like I'm letting her down... I'm not doing what I need to be as her boyfriend... and then after she promises to come back today to be with me tonight... she doesn't show up and my mind is racing... All of everything I know Amber would do to me... What guy shes talking to, dancing with, hitting on, making out with, spending time with and confiding in.... instead of me. All of those things happened in the last relationship... and more... And in my minds eye... Feiht is going to be capable of the same... so she must be doing something! My heart says she isn't cause she loves me and I love her and we have the most perfect relationship in the world, and my mind comes back... No way in hell is it perfect. Everything is faultee... everything is corruptable... surely this relationship cant be the first thing to be that way.
I feel cynical... I feel like I'm scum of the earth. I feel like there is something horribly wrong with me... because so many people must want to use me for their own needs. And I feel sneeky in trying to figure out whats wrong... what am I not being told and what is she lieing to me about... because there has to be something... and its awful of me... I feel pathetic and stupid. And I can't talk to her cause she isn't around to talk to...
Just makes me feel unimportant and upset... I've been feeling this way since this afternoon when I feel like I couldn't keep her attention for more than 3 minutes at a time... I dont think its really that way... I hope its not... but my mind is again telling me to stop trusting my heart. I'm going to end up hurt again and again... and I'm really just torn.
I want to say... Amber has messed me up so good that I need to see a psych. to put this all behind me... but I cant stand shrinks... -_- been there... done that... tried.... and I dont feel like much ever really happens with any of that mess. Just some guy listening to a really boring story of my pointless life and makes me realize how small and unimportant my problems are and how small and unimportant I am as well. I just need a way out of feeling this way... because I dont know how to do it myself. Really if anyone has any advice for me... I could use it.
I love Feiht with all my heart. I know that. I know, if she'll allow it, I'll want to spend the rest of my life with her... but I'm so worried that this baggage is going to tear us appart before I can even get to see her for the first time... I really hate long distance relationships... And yet... I keep putting myself in these situations and wonder why I feel the way I do. *sigh*
I should really attempt to sleep. 3:30 am almost... I dont feel tired. Just... confused and unsure of what life has to give me... and its making me feel very uneasy. Goodnight and I'll report back tomorrow...
In other news regarding my last post... the only thing of notable worth is... I'M GONNA BE AN UNCLE x4!!!! My brother called me up and said his girl, Ella, wanted to tell me something. Shes only 2 and a half so still putting together small sentences and phrases and mumbling and difficult to understand... but... she said " Mommy hasa baby in 'er tummy " All I can do is O.O and laugh. Erin should be due in november frame time, so another baby in the fam is fun to look forward to. I got to talk to Auerillia again and catch her up on life.... which was mostly the Amber rant... -_-
We talked alittle about that... and how it screwed me up pretty bad lately... Specially with Feiht. I feel awful too about it. I love her with all my heart and I feel like I can trust her... but I'm always questioning her... I'm always asking her easy alternitives to solutions I'm looking for... like she hasn't already thought of them... and... it just makes me look like a giant dick and a hypocrite... I cant stand myself really for it...
I can't trust myself enough to let down my guard. Its not always up... but it is always in hand and ready to be brought up in a moments notice.
I just feel like I'm letting her down... I'm not doing what I need to be as her boyfriend... and then after she promises to come back today to be with me tonight... she doesn't show up and my mind is racing... All of everything I know Amber would do to me... What guy shes talking to, dancing with, hitting on, making out with, spending time with and confiding in.... instead of me. All of those things happened in the last relationship... and more... And in my minds eye... Feiht is going to be capable of the same... so she must be doing something! My heart says she isn't cause she loves me and I love her and we have the most perfect relationship in the world, and my mind comes back... No way in hell is it perfect. Everything is faultee... everything is corruptable... surely this relationship cant be the first thing to be that way.
I feel cynical... I feel like I'm scum of the earth. I feel like there is something horribly wrong with me... because so many people must want to use me for their own needs. And I feel sneeky in trying to figure out whats wrong... what am I not being told and what is she lieing to me about... because there has to be something... and its awful of me... I feel pathetic and stupid. And I can't talk to her cause she isn't around to talk to...
Just makes me feel unimportant and upset... I've been feeling this way since this afternoon when I feel like I couldn't keep her attention for more than 3 minutes at a time... I dont think its really that way... I hope its not... but my mind is again telling me to stop trusting my heart. I'm going to end up hurt again and again... and I'm really just torn.
I want to say... Amber has messed me up so good that I need to see a psych. to put this all behind me... but I cant stand shrinks... -_- been there... done that... tried.... and I dont feel like much ever really happens with any of that mess. Just some guy listening to a really boring story of my pointless life and makes me realize how small and unimportant my problems are and how small and unimportant I am as well. I just need a way out of feeling this way... because I dont know how to do it myself. Really if anyone has any advice for me... I could use it.
I love Feiht with all my heart. I know that. I know, if she'll allow it, I'll want to spend the rest of my life with her... but I'm so worried that this baggage is going to tear us appart before I can even get to see her for the first time... I really hate long distance relationships... And yet... I keep putting myself in these situations and wonder why I feel the way I do. *sigh*
I should really attempt to sleep. 3:30 am almost... I dont feel tired. Just... confused and unsure of what life has to give me... and its making me feel very uneasy. Goodnight and I'll report back tomorrow...
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Playing catch-up!
Soooo... yeah... The ex-gf is scary. I'm now over my fear of her... not exactly sure why... and yet at the same time... I understand. I just... want to protect my heart. I think anyone else who has known a lot of pain or a few experiences that hurt deep would understand.
But lets just say... I'll talk to her if she needs me, but I'm not looking for a friend in her, only giving her a very real person to release on. I told her that basicly I dont need to sugar coat anything for her, and she should never expect me to either. Thats how she pushed me away. I will not fall into any traps she might try to lay down for me to stumble in. And really, she hasn't tried to contact me but 2 short times since that night.
So to backtrack slightly.
April 4th, Saturday:
It was my brothers birthday. My brother-in-law's, Jonathan, the day before. To celebrate, us Blacks know how to have fun... WE BUILD FENCES!!! o.o
We ate food too... but yeah. My brother purchased a new home in the last year... year and a half, needed a fence. His yard is no small yard and of course to match, he wanted the no small fence either. In the span of about 7 hours we worked on getting HALF of the fence finished. And there were 11 people working on it. Some of us were busy baby sitting which was usually 2 or 3 people. I was one of those people being sorta... unable to do as much physical labor as the others... I did do a few things outside... but it involved holding, doing math to figure out spacing of boards and posts and the sort and no physical stuff period. I feel... sorta like a bum sometimes with the family. Maybe not so much a bum... but... fragile? Still not the greatest feelings in the world. But its ok. I got to spend time with my 2 necies and had lots of fun. We did lots of kids things. They slid down slides while I watched. We played kitchen for a little bit. They chased me around the house and as soon as I knew I lost them... I would duck in a closet or corner and hide from them till they found me. Suprizingly enough... they found me pretty quick. But the best part of the day was being able to teach them what I do best.
ART!
They sat down at a table and wanted to play with stensil paterns. I got out some paints, some paper, the stensils, and they went at it. One of them was wanting a color we didn't have exactly, so I tought them how they could make orange... and their faces lit up so bright! They looked at the newly mixed yellows and reds and looked at me with this look of "I did it!!! I made something amazing!!!" with many giggles to follow. It was terribly cute and amazing to see the world through kids eyes. Everything is wonderful and magical and exciting.
Eventally we did have to clean up and get ready for lunch and blowing out of birthday candles on birthday cakes.
Lots of people had their own things to do, and I had my own as well.
Durring this little family get together, I had a phone call of an old highschool friend asking me if I wanted to go watch a DC United game with her. Free tickets! Apparently she won some sort of contest for working saturdays and her work gave her tickets. And she thought of me to invite first? I was flattered, wanted to go see a soccer game, and I couldn't resist!
Was fun catching up with her. She vented to me about her stresses in being a single parent, I stressed about being harassed by stupid people... and we went on the DC metro and watched our game. She wanted to have the best for us, so she got both me and her a shirt and a baseball cap with the team on it. Now... when she asked the gentleman behind the counter to get a medium size... I think... he thought it was ment for her. I didnt really check the tag cause I didnt really care much about things. I just wanted to enjoy a game and have fun ^^ We found our seats which were very very nice. Best ones I've sat in inside RFK stadium. but... not many people were there, so was still "nose bleeds". there were a few people on our level, but no one was above us. Was still very nice seats anyways. We sat down, tried on our new hats, and slipped our shirts over the ones we wore. Mine... was maybe just a teeeeeeeny bit small... I apparently got a medium for "youths". And if this says anything about me... I still fit in it. Very TIGHT fit mind you, but the fact that it looked like more of a muscle shirt than it did a kids t-shirt... it makes me kinda sad... ; ; I wanna be bigger!! lol We watched a good game... ran around and got lost in a cirlce durring the half, found out they didnt have any more hotdogs to sell!!! (forshame!!) And to top it off... the only goal scored was as we were trying to find the way back to our seats... and I had missed it completely. Was still a great time. Specially the ride home. Metro full of crazy drunkards who kept shouting all the chants and songs of the DC United team. And as soon as it started... 100's of others joined in as we all laughed about it later. As well on our ride home, we were able to talk to a... friendly hispanic fellow that said he didn't speak english... but its more likely he was too drunk to really remember any. My friend knows and uses spanish still and got this guy from hitting onto a semi scared 17 year old who didnt know exactly how to get him away as he then turned his attention to her. Was pretty akward seeing I remember little to no spanish, speak even less spanish and got a recap on the way home... was... funny in a way watching this guy struggle to remember previous conversation we had before, trying to remember his own native tounge and hold his own saying... "no tengo bebes... no... no bebes" (I didnt have any drinks. no drinks.) with a straight face and super bloodshot eyes. To say the least... was an eventful evening.
Not much to mention some of the other days... not quite yet. Lots of confusion and misunderstanding with Feiht, which I believe I actually have sorted out... 90% of the way. But back to with what I started off with saying... I think... I want to keep my guard down... but I'm very paranoid and quick to throw the guard back up over my heart... I'm slightly worried about all that business and how things are going to pan out with teh gf... but I'm sure things will work out for the best. I've just gotta wait for her to finish up this new MASSIVE update they are doing so I can talk to her. I miss her a lot being away for... what seems to be close to a week now... (part of the paranoia... ><)
Now I just gotta figure out what I need to do in game and get moving in doing some newer evens... or hopefully finish the old ones... I really need my CoP and ZMs done... they've been nagging at me for too long.
MY POSTS ARE WAY TOO LONG WITH ALL BORING STUFF!!!
CAPS LOCK IS FUN TO USE!!!
haha... I had to... its too fun ^^
Till next time!
But lets just say... I'll talk to her if she needs me, but I'm not looking for a friend in her, only giving her a very real person to release on. I told her that basicly I dont need to sugar coat anything for her, and she should never expect me to either. Thats how she pushed me away. I will not fall into any traps she might try to lay down for me to stumble in. And really, she hasn't tried to contact me but 2 short times since that night.
So to backtrack slightly.
April 4th, Saturday:
It was my brothers birthday. My brother-in-law's, Jonathan, the day before. To celebrate, us Blacks know how to have fun... WE BUILD FENCES!!! o.o
We ate food too... but yeah. My brother purchased a new home in the last year... year and a half, needed a fence. His yard is no small yard and of course to match, he wanted the no small fence either. In the span of about 7 hours we worked on getting HALF of the fence finished. And there were 11 people working on it. Some of us were busy baby sitting which was usually 2 or 3 people. I was one of those people being sorta... unable to do as much physical labor as the others... I did do a few things outside... but it involved holding, doing math to figure out spacing of boards and posts and the sort and no physical stuff period. I feel... sorta like a bum sometimes with the family. Maybe not so much a bum... but... fragile? Still not the greatest feelings in the world. But its ok. I got to spend time with my 2 necies and had lots of fun. We did lots of kids things. They slid down slides while I watched. We played kitchen for a little bit. They chased me around the house and as soon as I knew I lost them... I would duck in a closet or corner and hide from them till they found me. Suprizingly enough... they found me pretty quick. But the best part of the day was being able to teach them what I do best.
ART!
They sat down at a table and wanted to play with stensil paterns. I got out some paints, some paper, the stensils, and they went at it. One of them was wanting a color we didn't have exactly, so I tought them how they could make orange... and their faces lit up so bright! They looked at the newly mixed yellows and reds and looked at me with this look of "I did it!!! I made something amazing!!!" with many giggles to follow. It was terribly cute and amazing to see the world through kids eyes. Everything is wonderful and magical and exciting.
Eventally we did have to clean up and get ready for lunch and blowing out of birthday candles on birthday cakes.
Lots of people had their own things to do, and I had my own as well.
Durring this little family get together, I had a phone call of an old highschool friend asking me if I wanted to go watch a DC United game with her. Free tickets! Apparently she won some sort of contest for working saturdays and her work gave her tickets. And she thought of me to invite first? I was flattered, wanted to go see a soccer game, and I couldn't resist!
Was fun catching up with her. She vented to me about her stresses in being a single parent, I stressed about being harassed by stupid people... and we went on the DC metro and watched our game. She wanted to have the best for us, so she got both me and her a shirt and a baseball cap with the team on it. Now... when she asked the gentleman behind the counter to get a medium size... I think... he thought it was ment for her. I didnt really check the tag cause I didnt really care much about things. I just wanted to enjoy a game and have fun ^^ We found our seats which were very very nice. Best ones I've sat in inside RFK stadium. but... not many people were there, so was still "nose bleeds". there were a few people on our level, but no one was above us. Was still very nice seats anyways. We sat down, tried on our new hats, and slipped our shirts over the ones we wore. Mine... was maybe just a teeeeeeeny bit small... I apparently got a medium for "youths". And if this says anything about me... I still fit in it. Very TIGHT fit mind you, but the fact that it looked like more of a muscle shirt than it did a kids t-shirt... it makes me kinda sad... ; ; I wanna be bigger!! lol We watched a good game... ran around and got lost in a cirlce durring the half, found out they didnt have any more hotdogs to sell!!! (forshame!!) And to top it off... the only goal scored was as we were trying to find the way back to our seats... and I had missed it completely. Was still a great time. Specially the ride home. Metro full of crazy drunkards who kept shouting all the chants and songs of the DC United team. And as soon as it started... 100's of others joined in as we all laughed about it later. As well on our ride home, we were able to talk to a... friendly hispanic fellow that said he didn't speak english... but its more likely he was too drunk to really remember any. My friend knows and uses spanish still and got this guy from hitting onto a semi scared 17 year old who didnt know exactly how to get him away as he then turned his attention to her. Was pretty akward seeing I remember little to no spanish, speak even less spanish and got a recap on the way home... was... funny in a way watching this guy struggle to remember previous conversation we had before, trying to remember his own native tounge and hold his own saying... "no tengo bebes... no... no bebes" (I didnt have any drinks. no drinks.) with a straight face and super bloodshot eyes. To say the least... was an eventful evening.
Not much to mention some of the other days... not quite yet. Lots of confusion and misunderstanding with Feiht, which I believe I actually have sorted out... 90% of the way. But back to with what I started off with saying... I think... I want to keep my guard down... but I'm very paranoid and quick to throw the guard back up over my heart... I'm slightly worried about all that business and how things are going to pan out with teh gf... but I'm sure things will work out for the best. I've just gotta wait for her to finish up this new MASSIVE update they are doing so I can talk to her. I miss her a lot being away for... what seems to be close to a week now... (part of the paranoia... ><)
Now I just gotta figure out what I need to do in game and get moving in doing some newer evens... or hopefully finish the old ones... I really need my CoP and ZMs done... they've been nagging at me for too long.
MY POSTS ARE WAY TOO LONG WITH ALL BORING STUFF!!!
CAPS LOCK IS FUN TO USE!!!
haha... I had to... its too fun ^^
Till next time!
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Mr. Nice Guy.
I feel sick to my stomach... Physically ill... all because I have a big heart for people... and let them in on my lives and use my heart so they can wipe their feet off... leaving me with the caked on dirt and grime that makes me feel so sickly...
But... its finally happened.
Amber is back unfortunately asking for help... and I'm trying my best to not break my phone... not cuss her out and tell her get the fuck outta my life once and for all you 2 timing whore. I want to so bad... I really want to cause thats how I feel.
But... I am mr. nice guy.
Instead, here I am giving advice... or at least attempting to...
A quick history of Amber... my ex girlfriend.
We dated for over a year and a half, close to 2 years. She actually searched me out and was trying to be with me, so I gave her a shot, cause my problem with women is feeling like I am in their lives to fill a use... and once that use has fulfilled their wishes... I'm tossed to the wind like garbage. I am an unfeeling, nonliving being. I must be... because the women in my life have all made me feel this way. Amber is no different. We had our problems... sure, but 90% of our problems stemmed from Sean. He lies, he cheats, he steals, he does whatever the fuck he wants to get his way. He had his eyes set on Amber for a while and partially succeeded in breaking me and her up for a short time at least twice. The last time he said awful things about me and her and she said for us to never speak to him again... so I thought that was the last I heard of him...
I really really wished it was.
Early December of last year, we were hitting another rough spot. I was constantly getting ill... I couldn't talk to her especially when I needed to, she could only speak to me when she needed it. I gave everything to make her happy... and yet I only got a little effort here and there... then finally I got no effort at all. I was told I was not allowed to come back to visit her. She lived with her parents and her parents signed a lease recently that said. "No one other than family is allowed to sleep the night at this residence." I was already having little trust issues with her... but I still cannot comprehend how someone would even have that in a lease for a rental townhouse. Either her parents are liars to their girl, of my girlfriend is lieing to me. I cared for her enough to try to understand... but she kept distancing herself from me... and by mid-december... I broke up with her. I couldnt deal with the distance and having no way to talk or be with her... and it was eating me alive. I couldnt do it anymore...
New Years Eve... I was at my friends house having a good time... and I get a call from her. She needed me to be there for her. She said she think she might be having my baby. I last saw her in early October... and so the very first thing I ask is... whos the father? She is very upset and offended that I would even suguest that it could be someone elses... and that she came to me in confidence and I betrayed that confidence.
About a month goes by and I hear from him or her or someone that this Sean guy is getting ready to visit Amber's home for a full 3 weeks. I get upset... cause where is the lease now? Who the fuck knows. I hear from her about... 2 weeks in of Sean living there... and she says she is miserable because her parents are insisting he stay and live with them. That he just move from New Mexico and stay in Jersey. She didnt want him to stay... for whatever reason...
All of this infuriates me and I hadn't talked to or heard from either in a while now.
At 10 pm tonight roughly... I get a text from Amber that say:
Amber- You there?
Me- Yup.
Amber- Can I talk to you? or do you hate me?
Me- I can talk, and I dont hate you. whats up?
Amber- You know who I'm with. You know hes living with me.... But I'm at my breaking point. He always threatens to leave me. He is always suicidal and on top of it all, he got me knocked up and now I feel like the worst scum and I just. God I feel like dying. I just needed to talk to someone I know cares about me.
Me- I'm really sorry... Did you not know that this was going to happen with him? Why I got/am so upset your with him? Do your parents even know anything?
Amber- Ya I told them and I feel like I am wrong by saying I kinda dont wanna have his baby and that I kinda wanna abort it but I'll decide soon. I'm really hurting.
Me- If you want my honest opinion as a friend... Get him out of your life. Idk if you should abort or give the baby up for adoption... thats not my call... but how many girls has he done this to? How many has left afterwards and talked crap and made himself the good guy? You cant keep that baby... he wont take care of it and there isnt a way you and your parents can raise a baby in your situations. I'd get as far from Sean as you cang et. He is only in for himself... he always has been. I still care about you... I wish you wouldnt do these horrible things to yourself. It hurts me to see you like this now when I knew... I knew it was going to come down to exactly this.
Amber- If I carry the baby nine months I cant give it up. Thats why I'm thinking about abortion.
Amber- I guessed you still loved me and I still care and have love for you and I am just so confused. I just need a friend... one I can trust and thats you. Please dont tell him or anyone else about what I'm telling you. He might get mad and throw my phone and break another one. I dont need any more drama or shit in my life... so please dont tell him.
Me- I wont. Doesnt make me feel any better when you say that either... but we cant change the past... only our futures. Besides, I've never been about the drama. I'm not a child and not going to talk crap to Sean. Its not like me.
Amber- Yeah but I cant see myself with much of a future at the moment.
Me- Please dont say that... your ot like Sean. Dont you ever start thinking like that stupid shit.
Amber- I can only talk to you at school or at night or my phone might get broken again by him, but your my best friend and the only person I trust right now.
Amber- Can I text you tomorrow? I really miss talking to you.
Me- I'll be here if you need it if thats what your asking.
Amber- Thank you for being so wonderful to me... You made me smile finally :) I'll talk to you tomorrow night.
Me- Talk to you later. Be safe.
Amber- I try my hardest =D for you because I promised you I would.
Now... because I didnt go with my gut... and tell her to fuck off... I have to figure out what I want to say to her tomorrow... if I want to say anything at all. I really have no idea... because I feel she said "I guessed you still loved me and I still care and have love for you and I am just so confused. I just need a friend... one I can trust and thats you." to Sean too... either as we were breaking up or before then... I cannot trust her. I do not want another chance with her... I dont want to do anything with her period... but I'm the nice guy... I feel... like I cant leave anyone to hang out to dry... if I'm their so called last hope in life... if they cant turn to anyone else but me... I cant just turn them away no matter how much I hate or despise them...
But at the same time... I just let Amber and Sean get a foot in the door of my life again when I thought all that drama and all that shit was over... that I wouldnt have to hear from either of them ever agian... ever. I feel I made a mistake... and letting my heart give itself a chance to be used and hurt all over again.
I need help... and I'm not sure what to say or think... and really now... I do feel sick and I'll excuse myself to the bathroom for a short while. ><;
till next time...
But... its finally happened.
Amber is back unfortunately asking for help... and I'm trying my best to not break my phone... not cuss her out and tell her get the fuck outta my life once and for all you 2 timing whore. I want to so bad... I really want to cause thats how I feel.
But... I am mr. nice guy.
Instead, here I am giving advice... or at least attempting to...
A quick history of Amber... my ex girlfriend.
We dated for over a year and a half, close to 2 years. She actually searched me out and was trying to be with me, so I gave her a shot, cause my problem with women is feeling like I am in their lives to fill a use... and once that use has fulfilled their wishes... I'm tossed to the wind like garbage. I am an unfeeling, nonliving being. I must be... because the women in my life have all made me feel this way. Amber is no different. We had our problems... sure, but 90% of our problems stemmed from Sean. He lies, he cheats, he steals, he does whatever the fuck he wants to get his way. He had his eyes set on Amber for a while and partially succeeded in breaking me and her up for a short time at least twice. The last time he said awful things about me and her and she said for us to never speak to him again... so I thought that was the last I heard of him...
I really really wished it was.
Early December of last year, we were hitting another rough spot. I was constantly getting ill... I couldn't talk to her especially when I needed to, she could only speak to me when she needed it. I gave everything to make her happy... and yet I only got a little effort here and there... then finally I got no effort at all. I was told I was not allowed to come back to visit her. She lived with her parents and her parents signed a lease recently that said. "No one other than family is allowed to sleep the night at this residence." I was already having little trust issues with her... but I still cannot comprehend how someone would even have that in a lease for a rental townhouse. Either her parents are liars to their girl, of my girlfriend is lieing to me. I cared for her enough to try to understand... but she kept distancing herself from me... and by mid-december... I broke up with her. I couldnt deal with the distance and having no way to talk or be with her... and it was eating me alive. I couldnt do it anymore...
New Years Eve... I was at my friends house having a good time... and I get a call from her. She needed me to be there for her. She said she think she might be having my baby. I last saw her in early October... and so the very first thing I ask is... whos the father? She is very upset and offended that I would even suguest that it could be someone elses... and that she came to me in confidence and I betrayed that confidence.
About a month goes by and I hear from him or her or someone that this Sean guy is getting ready to visit Amber's home for a full 3 weeks. I get upset... cause where is the lease now? Who the fuck knows. I hear from her about... 2 weeks in of Sean living there... and she says she is miserable because her parents are insisting he stay and live with them. That he just move from New Mexico and stay in Jersey. She didnt want him to stay... for whatever reason...
All of this infuriates me and I hadn't talked to or heard from either in a while now.
At 10 pm tonight roughly... I get a text from Amber that say:
Amber- You there?
Me- Yup.
Amber- Can I talk to you? or do you hate me?
Me- I can talk, and I dont hate you. whats up?
Amber- You know who I'm with. You know hes living with me.... But I'm at my breaking point. He always threatens to leave me. He is always suicidal and on top of it all, he got me knocked up and now I feel like the worst scum and I just. God I feel like dying. I just needed to talk to someone I know cares about me.
Me- I'm really sorry... Did you not know that this was going to happen with him? Why I got/am so upset your with him? Do your parents even know anything?
Amber- Ya I told them and I feel like I am wrong by saying I kinda dont wanna have his baby and that I kinda wanna abort it but I'll decide soon. I'm really hurting.
Me- If you want my honest opinion as a friend... Get him out of your life. Idk if you should abort or give the baby up for adoption... thats not my call... but how many girls has he done this to? How many has left afterwards and talked crap and made himself the good guy? You cant keep that baby... he wont take care of it and there isnt a way you and your parents can raise a baby in your situations. I'd get as far from Sean as you cang et. He is only in for himself... he always has been. I still care about you... I wish you wouldnt do these horrible things to yourself. It hurts me to see you like this now when I knew... I knew it was going to come down to exactly this.
Amber- If I carry the baby nine months I cant give it up. Thats why I'm thinking about abortion.
Amber- I guessed you still loved me and I still care and have love for you and I am just so confused. I just need a friend... one I can trust and thats you. Please dont tell him or anyone else about what I'm telling you. He might get mad and throw my phone and break another one. I dont need any more drama or shit in my life... so please dont tell him.
Me- I wont. Doesnt make me feel any better when you say that either... but we cant change the past... only our futures. Besides, I've never been about the drama. I'm not a child and not going to talk crap to Sean. Its not like me.
Amber- Yeah but I cant see myself with much of a future at the moment.
Me- Please dont say that... your ot like Sean. Dont you ever start thinking like that stupid shit.
Amber- I can only talk to you at school or at night or my phone might get broken again by him, but your my best friend and the only person I trust right now.
Amber- Can I text you tomorrow? I really miss talking to you.
Me- I'll be here if you need it if thats what your asking.
Amber- Thank you for being so wonderful to me... You made me smile finally :) I'll talk to you tomorrow night.
Me- Talk to you later. Be safe.
Amber- I try my hardest =D for you because I promised you I would.
Now... because I didnt go with my gut... and tell her to fuck off... I have to figure out what I want to say to her tomorrow... if I want to say anything at all. I really have no idea... because I feel she said "I guessed you still loved me and I still care and have love for you and I am just so confused. I just need a friend... one I can trust and thats you." to Sean too... either as we were breaking up or before then... I cannot trust her. I do not want another chance with her... I dont want to do anything with her period... but I'm the nice guy... I feel... like I cant leave anyone to hang out to dry... if I'm their so called last hope in life... if they cant turn to anyone else but me... I cant just turn them away no matter how much I hate or despise them...
But at the same time... I just let Amber and Sean get a foot in the door of my life again when I thought all that drama and all that shit was over... that I wouldnt have to hear from either of them ever agian... ever. I feel I made a mistake... and letting my heart give itself a chance to be used and hurt all over again.
I need help... and I'm not sure what to say or think... and really now... I do feel sick and I'll excuse myself to the bathroom for a short while. ><;
till next time...
Monday, March 30, 2009
Good news and bad news.
So... Today went to the doctor to check up on the results of my latest cat scan and see how far my body/condition has improved or regressed. I really hate doctors... just so everyone knows and I get that out in the clear. Been off my treatments for a month now because he wants to talk to me a few times before I can go back on... where I lost this month for him to tell me... My scans look the same as they did an entire year ago when I started my heavy duty medication... 0 progress... and I'm not terribly happy about it.
The doctor did have something positive to say.
First that my condition is slow growing, so we should expect the treatment to reverse it to be slow growing as well. I won't see results right away and it makes sense in my brain of how the universe works. Newton's Third Law (of motion technically, but I know it applies more to just that) that states for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Equivalent exchange, sorta thing.
The other thing my doc told me was that this is a good thing if you look at it with the right mindset. There was no progression in growth. There should have been, even if it was teeny tiny bigger. It prevented things from getting worse which is a good thing. Its just hard to see sometimes... which I hate... but its good.
Now the rest of the day has been spent working on cleaning up and unpacking things further and spending time with mom. I did another good dent in the mass pile of junk I have with unpacking and you can see half the floor. Though I'm very... very irritated because I opened a box that has alot of my special childhood memories/nic-nacs and other goodies... chewed on by mice I had in my last appartment... to the point of having to throw out some things... and finding that some of my old journal stuff has been eaten as well.
Which sorta brings me to question... Why do people keep journals in the first place? What purpose does it have? I was reading what I could... and I got a little nistalgic and maybe a little depressed reading it. I might... might... want my posterity to read it someday to know me when I was younger and imature and stupid. I doubt it... Those are the only 2 good reasons I can think of why anyone would care to keep a journal. But the reasons aren't very good. Either let people in your life that you might want to be kept secret, or if you want to relive your past, just makes you miss how things were and feel... bleh... Maybe I'm doing something wrong? >.>
I wish I understood how to feel right now too. I wanted to talk to my lovable girlfriend about alot today... get some suport and love, and haven't been able to talk to her for the last 30 hours... roughly. No way to get a hold of her... no way to know if shes ok or if she needs me... I'm tempted to just get in my car and ask random people... "Have you seen this girl?" -_- I get paranoied and quick to worry pretty easilly... and have a habit of thinking of the worst case scenario... which I am always very not fond of. In the slightest. The only contact that I know works is FFXI... and its starting to make me very upset very quickly.
Others complain about how awful their relationship is cause they can't see their lover for a few days. Litterally one of my best friends is married... and they almost have to pry themselves off with a crowbar to get to their seporate work. The moment the one steps into the home when the other is there... they expect you to drop everything your doing no matter what it is or who its involved with... a "welcome home kiss" and makes me jealous and slightly sick. Thats the worst I have to deal with... but there are others that do the same thing daily... I have to sit here and wonder why my gf can't get on FFXI to talk and I worry, while others get to complain about little stupid things that I can't help but think they take for granted...
I swear to myself now...
If things don't work out between myself and Fei... and I hope and prey that they never do... that I will not put myself in another long distance relationship... I hate to say it too cause the local women around here are the worst -_- couldnt care less about me... Tried that route once before... I'm not good enough for alot of people it seems... -_- so makes me want Fei even more and even more worried than I would normally when I want to be there to know what I can do if something happens to her... and I cant do anything but sit here and go to stupid doctors appointments... Gah... >< I hate my situation right about now.
The doctor did have something positive to say.
First that my condition is slow growing, so we should expect the treatment to reverse it to be slow growing as well. I won't see results right away and it makes sense in my brain of how the universe works. Newton's Third Law (of motion technically, but I know it applies more to just that) that states for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Equivalent exchange, sorta thing.
The other thing my doc told me was that this is a good thing if you look at it with the right mindset. There was no progression in growth. There should have been, even if it was teeny tiny bigger. It prevented things from getting worse which is a good thing. Its just hard to see sometimes... which I hate... but its good.
Now the rest of the day has been spent working on cleaning up and unpacking things further and spending time with mom. I did another good dent in the mass pile of junk I have with unpacking and you can see half the floor. Though I'm very... very irritated because I opened a box that has alot of my special childhood memories/nic-nacs and other goodies... chewed on by mice I had in my last appartment... to the point of having to throw out some things... and finding that some of my old journal stuff has been eaten as well.
Which sorta brings me to question... Why do people keep journals in the first place? What purpose does it have? I was reading what I could... and I got a little nistalgic and maybe a little depressed reading it. I might... might... want my posterity to read it someday to know me when I was younger and imature and stupid. I doubt it... Those are the only 2 good reasons I can think of why anyone would care to keep a journal. But the reasons aren't very good. Either let people in your life that you might want to be kept secret, or if you want to relive your past, just makes you miss how things were and feel... bleh... Maybe I'm doing something wrong? >.>
I wish I understood how to feel right now too. I wanted to talk to my lovable girlfriend about alot today... get some suport and love, and haven't been able to talk to her for the last 30 hours... roughly. No way to get a hold of her... no way to know if shes ok or if she needs me... I'm tempted to just get in my car and ask random people... "Have you seen this girl?" -_- I get paranoied and quick to worry pretty easilly... and have a habit of thinking of the worst case scenario... which I am always very not fond of. In the slightest. The only contact that I know works is FFXI... and its starting to make me very upset very quickly.
Others complain about how awful their relationship is cause they can't see their lover for a few days. Litterally one of my best friends is married... and they almost have to pry themselves off with a crowbar to get to their seporate work. The moment the one steps into the home when the other is there... they expect you to drop everything your doing no matter what it is or who its involved with... a "welcome home kiss" and makes me jealous and slightly sick. Thats the worst I have to deal with... but there are others that do the same thing daily... I have to sit here and wonder why my gf can't get on FFXI to talk and I worry, while others get to complain about little stupid things that I can't help but think they take for granted...
I swear to myself now...
If things don't work out between myself and Fei... and I hope and prey that they never do... that I will not put myself in another long distance relationship... I hate to say it too cause the local women around here are the worst -_- couldnt care less about me... Tried that route once before... I'm not good enough for alot of people it seems... -_- so makes me want Fei even more and even more worried than I would normally when I want to be there to know what I can do if something happens to her... and I cant do anything but sit here and go to stupid doctors appointments... Gah... >< I hate my situation right about now.
Wafffles or Pancakes!?
Is this even a fair contest?
How could you not enjoy waffles? They stay crisp and crunchy. They hold many reservoirs of any thinkable item be it syrup, butter, PB, ice cream (oh yeah, I went there) or anything else your heart might desire!!! I personally think there is nothing better than a blue monkey ^^
Imagine this. Blueberries and bananas have a baby love child that is thrown into a vat of pancake batter cooked to perfection in a waffle iron. That is pure love I tell you.
Not that I'm dissing pancakes by any means now... its just that I feel waffles are superior to pancakes in every possible way. If your cakes wouldn't get all soggy and cold and syrup filled mess... then I'd say they might have a case. But in the breakfast world... there is no greater champion than a tastey waffle.
How could you not enjoy waffles? They stay crisp and crunchy. They hold many reservoirs of any thinkable item be it syrup, butter, PB, ice cream (oh yeah, I went there) or anything else your heart might desire!!! I personally think there is nothing better than a blue monkey ^^
Imagine this. Blueberries and bananas have a baby love child that is thrown into a vat of pancake batter cooked to perfection in a waffle iron. That is pure love I tell you.
Not that I'm dissing pancakes by any means now... its just that I feel waffles are superior to pancakes in every possible way. If your cakes wouldn't get all soggy and cold and syrup filled mess... then I'd say they might have a case. But in the breakfast world... there is no greater champion than a tastey waffle.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Stresses of the day!
Good greif... today has not been kind to little ol' me. Wake up not feeling well... in fact, felt quite ill. Wake up and in 5 minutes I realize I was being an ass the day before to the one I love the most... and so the day just started off wrong... I've been in bed all day... havent eaten much if anything at all, and I'm annoyed at stupid people once again.
Waiting for a besieged to start. Once again... I find myself going into Forsaken Knights shell cause I've got nothing better to do... and to be honest bored/sick of the other shell I'm in. Everyone is married and happy and seeing their loved ones and makes me upset and a little jealous that I have to wait longer to be with my Fei... so I leave and get in FK and the asshattery comes as well.
I just make a coment saying.
Oh double beseiged sorta. Mamool at lvl 1. Trolls at 8. So they are almost close together for double.
Outta no where, some deuche says, no way thats years apart.
My reply was, I said almost. Yeah you might be waiting an hour or 2, but its close enough.
"You know, you should really make yourself clearer" and then laughs at me... I dont think he was being too serious, so I said back.
I was plenty clear I feel. Maybe you shouldn't be looking too deep into what I said.
"dood take it easy. I wasn't lookin in anything only teasing ur uptight bunghole."
-_-
This is the sorta crap I get constantly. I am a hard ass in that linkshell... I can never make a joke, nor can I ever take one. I'm mr. serious. Scary scary mr. serious. >.> Why? Cause I try to actually keep some order and normalcy in there and call people out when they are being complete asses of themselves.
So anyways... my day has been full of nothing but rest and dissapointment. Lovely right? Even though I havent been feeling my best, I felt like I needed to get off my ass and actually do some work... and unpack more crap and get things a little more organized. Not much has really changed sadly. I just shuffled things around and now it looks like less crap is shoved into one corner of my room than there was an hour earlier. I did however realize something I wanted to do again and pick back up in my spare time.
I need to get back into my art again. I'm good at it and I havent in the longest time. I'm gonna take my old art that I've saved too and ink them and put them online so I can have them in better shape for longer time. So look forward to that ^^ Also realized another thing. I dont have enough clothes. Pants to be exact. got plenty of shirts... socks. probably could use some more boxers... but I only have maybe 4 decent pair of pants. I dont really like shopping for myself, by myself tho... so I'll probably only have 4 decent pair till someone invites me to go out with them or till I'm forced to go find something because I'll wear through those pants quickly... just glad summer is around the corner. Can bust out my pastey white skin and wear my shorts and T's haha.
Still not feeling so great though. Hoping tomorrow is a better day... >< please? I need a better day once in a while...
Waiting for a besieged to start. Once again... I find myself going into Forsaken Knights shell cause I've got nothing better to do... and to be honest bored/sick of the other shell I'm in. Everyone is married and happy and seeing their loved ones and makes me upset and a little jealous that I have to wait longer to be with my Fei... so I leave and get in FK and the asshattery comes as well.
I just make a coment saying.
Oh double beseiged sorta. Mamool at lvl 1. Trolls at 8. So they are almost close together for double.
Outta no where, some deuche says, no way thats years apart.
My reply was, I said almost. Yeah you might be waiting an hour or 2, but its close enough.
"You know, you should really make yourself clearer" and then laughs at me... I dont think he was being too serious, so I said back.
I was plenty clear I feel. Maybe you shouldn't be looking too deep into what I said.
"dood take it easy. I wasn't lookin in anything only teasing ur uptight bunghole."
-_-
This is the sorta crap I get constantly. I am a hard ass in that linkshell... I can never make a joke, nor can I ever take one. I'm mr. serious. Scary scary mr. serious. >.> Why? Cause I try to actually keep some order and normalcy in there and call people out when they are being complete asses of themselves.
So anyways... my day has been full of nothing but rest and dissapointment. Lovely right? Even though I havent been feeling my best, I felt like I needed to get off my ass and actually do some work... and unpack more crap and get things a little more organized. Not much has really changed sadly. I just shuffled things around and now it looks like less crap is shoved into one corner of my room than there was an hour earlier. I did however realize something I wanted to do again and pick back up in my spare time.
I need to get back into my art again. I'm good at it and I havent in the longest time. I'm gonna take my old art that I've saved too and ink them and put them online so I can have them in better shape for longer time. So look forward to that ^^ Also realized another thing. I dont have enough clothes. Pants to be exact. got plenty of shirts... socks. probably could use some more boxers... but I only have maybe 4 decent pair of pants. I dont really like shopping for myself, by myself tho... so I'll probably only have 4 decent pair till someone invites me to go out with them or till I'm forced to go find something because I'll wear through those pants quickly... just glad summer is around the corner. Can bust out my pastey white skin and wear my shorts and T's haha.
Still not feeling so great though. Hoping tomorrow is a better day... >< please? I need a better day once in a while...
Where to begin?
wow... It has been quite some time since the last time I've kept a blog/journal/thingie... Not even sure what I wanna say, how I want to say it, how it should look when I finally decide on what to say, so for now... I shall do nothing but ramble to my 1 constant reader!!! Hi Feiht ^^ *waves frantically*
This blog was born out of boredom. Out of trying to fill my life up with as many things as I possibly can to keep my mind off of "life". For those that are lucky enough to stumble upon this that don't know me... I say " "life" " because normally... one has a life to actually live. I am anything but that. I feel my life is slowly slipping out of my grasp through the cracks in my fingers and I'm desperately clinging on to those things that give me purpose. I feel this so called life of mine is 99% bad joke that I ended up getting the short stick on. I don't work. I don't go to school. I just... exist. Not because I choose to be that way. More like... I have no other choice. I've got bad health. Both mental (recent) and physical (probably the reason for the mental) which has been long term. I don't care to get into details right now... like I said, this was to help me keep my mind off of those things. So just in short to help people understand; I have chronic health issues. That being said...
I like to be happy. Or at least try.
What else can we do? I know that everyone has a story to tell. Everyone has their problems and my life is no different. I can deal with problems. Problems resolve. Right? >.> Mine seem to linger. My problem is the problem... at least the inability to fix itself. I can deal with what I have. I just need to feel like I do more than exist. I've been doing that now for over 3 years. Just recently have I been a horrible mess. Things have been looking up for me, however. I have been getting better... just... so... slow...ly. And the best part of it all... Doctors say the cure is something that just about is as bad as the problem to begin with. SO to get fully better... I have to get... worse? How does that work out? I don't like to move backwards. Drives me slightly insane.
So there are a few factors in my life that keep me feeling like I'm moving forward.
First is my girlfriend.
We met in game. I knew her for a little bit before I started to think to myself... "Wouldn't it be crazy if I could actually date Feiht? Pretty sure that would be one of the best things ever." I remember telling something to that effect to my friend Andrew. I invited her out to do a BCNM royal jellies run... and... had to bail on her cause she has a way of disapearing with the least amount of warning. But we were all there. She bought a orb and everything. Me being the nice guy that I am (humble, huh?) tries my best to make sure I get her to use that orb sometime. Preferably with me... cause... well shes just fun and cute and I wanted to get to know her better without... seeming... internet stalkerish >.>
So thus began the story of Fei and Squire.
Its only been... 3 months now... maybe 2 1/2 months? O.o (I wanna say it should be longer, but... with events around it... it can't be. Oh and before I get coments saying how typical of a guy I am for forgeting a date/anniversery or anything of that sort... there... really wasn't a particular day that you could pin this on. At least not that either of us can recall...)
Life couldn't be better with any other woman on this earth. She has helped me with my problems more than I really think she knows. I feel with her... I have things I can look forward to. Goals to set for myself, even in this state, that I could not before. Goals to set for us in a future together. She understands and empathises with my pains. She doesn't make excuses for me even with my problems but encurages me to make myself a better person. With her, I am making progression in my life, or at least I have the illusion of making progression. Either way, I feel... human again with her... instead of a bump on a log... or how I say so many times... an object to be used and then tossed aside as garbage to some, if not all, of the others before her. She makes me feel loved and precious above anything else... and I couldn't ask for more from her. If you people hate mushy... you could always close the window =P I love her more than I thought I could possibly love anyone and realize how lucky I really am to have caught her eye.
Next is my family.
Believe it or not, I am the 7th kid of 8 total. Same parents. Even more amazing than that, we all actually get along with each other and talk/meet regularly! We are the typical dysfunctional family, sure, but I believe we were all brought up in a way that we were taught to be tollerant of everyone regardless of choices they make. There are more important things in the world than ones pride. It might be because we are all pretty awesome people and its good genes from the momma and dadda.
On a breif sidenote as well, again for the people who might stumble upon and actually read the wall of text that is my first post, my dad died of lukemia late November 2001 so I never talk about him cause hes gone and left me with a few things I'd care not to discuss at this time. I love him as my father, but I hate him as my kin and blood. Lots of mixed feelings with him.
Now thats over... ^^; My family... all of them for the most part do get on my nerves and piss me off more times than I care to admit. Some of them understand my situation and even then, all of my siblings have shown me a cold shoulder when I felt like I needed support. Feels like some of them somtimes just tell me "get over it. Walk it off". Frustrating at times... and I loath that statement now... but I talk with my mom, the mediator of the family, and she helps me understand what they might be saying or thinking.... and its not... terrible. Regardless, my family has never left me out in the perverbial cold and always has shown love in their each individual unique way. They help me when I truely need it and have traveled hours on my behalf for my health just for me and no other real reason. But out of all of my family I have my mother to thank the most. For more of the same reason of her helping make my choices easier and try to help me feel comfortable in my own skin and progress towards something I feel would make me better mentally physically and spiritually. I am such a mommas boy ^^;
Lastly... I have FinalFantasyXI.
Might seem kinda lame... and might not be able to understand how something as unproductive as an online video game should be getting thanks for contribuing to my sanity/health. But as I've said before... I've had to deal with what I have for 3 years+ There is only so much I am allowed to do by doctors. There is only so much I can do of those things I'm allowed before I'm so incredibly bored out of my mind. I am a social person. I always have something to say or add, wether it be personal wisdom or general knowledge. Sometimes I think its a good thing. Other times, I think it might get annoying to people... lol but I ams who I ams. The beauty of FFXI is that... it gives me the chance to be that social person. To talk to an infinate amount of people even if I feel like crap and am unable to much but move my little fingers to direct a character to do something on a screen. I love people. I find them entertaining and interesting. Even if they do suck alot of times... you still find a few of the good ones that make the others forgetable and realize who the keepers really are in this world. I've made many a good friends on that game. Met a few. Some I wish I hadn't exactly, but its helped me broaden my views and stretch who I am as a person. I don't see FFXI as a game. I see it as a tool to be who I truely am. A happy person who wants to go out and talk to people and do things with others that might lead to something fun or exciting or interesting... which it usually does that I can talk about to others and have a good laugh later. It works well for me and I throughly enjoy being a part of it.
Now that I've said all that... I'm feeling 1000% better than I was previously. Just one of those depressed moods... really short fuse and irritable... not to mention snappy and grumpy. If I had a vagina... I'm sure I'd be bleeding from it... lol I love it when I can gross myself out a little... >.>; Yes, I am a strange individual. But I like me. Thats whats important right?
So now that I'm feeling better and said everything I wanted to... I'll leave it at this.
This blog was born out of boredom. Out of trying to fill my life up with as many things as I possibly can to keep my mind off of "life". For those that are lucky enough to stumble upon this that don't know me... I say " "life" " because normally... one has a life to actually live. I am anything but that. I feel my life is slowly slipping out of my grasp through the cracks in my fingers and I'm desperately clinging on to those things that give me purpose. I feel this so called life of mine is 99% bad joke that I ended up getting the short stick on. I don't work. I don't go to school. I just... exist. Not because I choose to be that way. More like... I have no other choice. I've got bad health. Both mental (recent) and physical (probably the reason for the mental) which has been long term. I don't care to get into details right now... like I said, this was to help me keep my mind off of those things. So just in short to help people understand; I have chronic health issues. That being said...
I like to be happy. Or at least try.
What else can we do? I know that everyone has a story to tell. Everyone has their problems and my life is no different. I can deal with problems. Problems resolve. Right? >.> Mine seem to linger. My problem is the problem... at least the inability to fix itself. I can deal with what I have. I just need to feel like I do more than exist. I've been doing that now for over 3 years. Just recently have I been a horrible mess. Things have been looking up for me, however. I have been getting better... just... so... slow...ly. And the best part of it all... Doctors say the cure is something that just about is as bad as the problem to begin with. SO to get fully better... I have to get... worse? How does that work out? I don't like to move backwards. Drives me slightly insane.
So there are a few factors in my life that keep me feeling like I'm moving forward.
First is my girlfriend.
We met in game. I knew her for a little bit before I started to think to myself... "Wouldn't it be crazy if I could actually date Feiht? Pretty sure that would be one of the best things ever." I remember telling something to that effect to my friend Andrew. I invited her out to do a BCNM royal jellies run... and... had to bail on her cause she has a way of disapearing with the least amount of warning. But we were all there. She bought a orb and everything. Me being the nice guy that I am (humble, huh?) tries my best to make sure I get her to use that orb sometime. Preferably with me... cause... well shes just fun and cute and I wanted to get to know her better without... seeming... internet stalkerish >.>
So thus began the story of Fei and Squire.
Its only been... 3 months now... maybe 2 1/2 months? O.o (I wanna say it should be longer, but... with events around it... it can't be. Oh and before I get coments saying how typical of a guy I am for forgeting a date/anniversery or anything of that sort... there... really wasn't a particular day that you could pin this on. At least not that either of us can recall...)
Life couldn't be better with any other woman on this earth. She has helped me with my problems more than I really think she knows. I feel with her... I have things I can look forward to. Goals to set for myself, even in this state, that I could not before. Goals to set for us in a future together. She understands and empathises with my pains. She doesn't make excuses for me even with my problems but encurages me to make myself a better person. With her, I am making progression in my life, or at least I have the illusion of making progression. Either way, I feel... human again with her... instead of a bump on a log... or how I say so many times... an object to be used and then tossed aside as garbage to some, if not all, of the others before her. She makes me feel loved and precious above anything else... and I couldn't ask for more from her. If you people hate mushy... you could always close the window =P I love her more than I thought I could possibly love anyone and realize how lucky I really am to have caught her eye.
Next is my family.
Believe it or not, I am the 7th kid of 8 total. Same parents. Even more amazing than that, we all actually get along with each other and talk/meet regularly! We are the typical dysfunctional family, sure, but I believe we were all brought up in a way that we were taught to be tollerant of everyone regardless of choices they make. There are more important things in the world than ones pride. It might be because we are all pretty awesome people and its good genes from the momma and dadda.
On a breif sidenote as well, again for the people who might stumble upon and actually read the wall of text that is my first post, my dad died of lukemia late November 2001 so I never talk about him cause hes gone and left me with a few things I'd care not to discuss at this time. I love him as my father, but I hate him as my kin and blood. Lots of mixed feelings with him.
Now thats over... ^^; My family... all of them for the most part do get on my nerves and piss me off more times than I care to admit. Some of them understand my situation and even then, all of my siblings have shown me a cold shoulder when I felt like I needed support. Feels like some of them somtimes just tell me "get over it. Walk it off". Frustrating at times... and I loath that statement now... but I talk with my mom, the mediator of the family, and she helps me understand what they might be saying or thinking.... and its not... terrible. Regardless, my family has never left me out in the perverbial cold and always has shown love in their each individual unique way. They help me when I truely need it and have traveled hours on my behalf for my health just for me and no other real reason. But out of all of my family I have my mother to thank the most. For more of the same reason of her helping make my choices easier and try to help me feel comfortable in my own skin and progress towards something I feel would make me better mentally physically and spiritually. I am such a mommas boy ^^;
Lastly... I have FinalFantasyXI.
Might seem kinda lame... and might not be able to understand how something as unproductive as an online video game should be getting thanks for contribuing to my sanity/health. But as I've said before... I've had to deal with what I have for 3 years+ There is only so much I am allowed to do by doctors. There is only so much I can do of those things I'm allowed before I'm so incredibly bored out of my mind. I am a social person. I always have something to say or add, wether it be personal wisdom or general knowledge. Sometimes I think its a good thing. Other times, I think it might get annoying to people... lol but I ams who I ams. The beauty of FFXI is that... it gives me the chance to be that social person. To talk to an infinate amount of people even if I feel like crap and am unable to much but move my little fingers to direct a character to do something on a screen. I love people. I find them entertaining and interesting. Even if they do suck alot of times... you still find a few of the good ones that make the others forgetable and realize who the keepers really are in this world. I've made many a good friends on that game. Met a few. Some I wish I hadn't exactly, but its helped me broaden my views and stretch who I am as a person. I don't see FFXI as a game. I see it as a tool to be who I truely am. A happy person who wants to go out and talk to people and do things with others that might lead to something fun or exciting or interesting... which it usually does that I can talk about to others and have a good laugh later. It works well for me and I throughly enjoy being a part of it.
Now that I've said all that... I'm feeling 1000% better than I was previously. Just one of those depressed moods... really short fuse and irritable... not to mention snappy and grumpy. If I had a vagina... I'm sure I'd be bleeding from it... lol I love it when I can gross myself out a little... >.>; Yes, I am a strange individual. But I like me. Thats whats important right?
So now that I'm feeling better and said everything I wanted to... I'll leave it at this.
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